A parents ability to influence their children is based on the depth of their relationship with their children...

This week we have been looking at the dynamic, or sometimes just the dynamite, that describes the relationships that occur between parents and children in families. To do that, we have been looking at a section of a letter that is recorded for us in the New Testament of the Bible, called the book of Ephesians. In Ephesians 6:1-3, we discovered a timeless and powerful principle when it comes to how children respond to their roles and responsibilities within a family in that a child's willingness to follow the leadership of their parents will influence how they will follow leadership in the future.

Children and students, here’s the thing; no matter how old you become, no matter how smart or strong you become, no matter how much money you make, there will always be someone who is in leadership and authority over you. If you do not think that is the case, just look at the lives and listen to the conversations of the adults who exercise leadership within your family, whether it is your parents, your grandparents, or other relatives. There is always someone in our lives that we are responsible to report to and answer to when it comes to our attitude and actions. And your willingness to place yourselves under the leadership of your parents will influence and impact your willingness to willingly place yourself under the leadership of others in the future.

Your willingness to willingly place yourselves under the leadership and authority of your parents in a way that regards and respects them will influence and impact how you will respond to the leadership and authority of teachers, employers, and other authority figures in the future. Today, we will see Paul turn his attention to the roles and responsibilities that parents have when it comes to their relationship with their children in Ephesians 6:4:

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Now when Paul uses the word fathers, he is not excluding mothers from what he is to say next. As we talked about earlier in this series, fathers are the first among equals in the marriage relationship and are expected to lead and model proper family relationships as an example to be followed by mothers. Paul then commands parents to not provoke their children to anger. If you are reading from another translation of the Bible this command might read “do not exasperate your children.”

If Paul was writing this letter to us today in the language that we use in our culture, this command probably would sound something like this: Do not place your children in a position where they cannot win. Do not put your children in a no-win situation." Parents, we all have the temptation to do this, don’t we? As parents we have all the power and we can pull almost all the strings. We have the strings to the checkbook; the car; the TV; to privileges; and to the freedom that children desire. We have a great deal of control over our children; we are bigger, stronger, and control all the levers.

And because we have all the power and control it is very easy to abuse our power and control in a way that our children feel like they are in a no-win situation. And as children feel like they are in a no-win situation, there is nothing that they can do to be right. And just like us adults, when children feel that they are in a no-win situation where nothing they do is right, they will lash out in a way that creates conflict, stress and strain in our family relationships.

But parents, here’s the thing; parenting, by very definition is the God-ordained loss of control. I mean, do we not want our children to grow up so that they would be able to navigate and function in society as a healthy functioning member of society. That is the point and goal of parenting, isn’t it? And as our children get older we gradually begin to lose the power and control over our children that we once had.

When our children are infants and small children, we have almost total control of their lives; we control what and when they eat and sleep. We control what they wear and watch. However, as children grow and mature physically, emotionally and spiritually, we gradually begin to lose control, don’t we? Children begin to have their own thoughts and desires. Children begin to question decisions with perspectives that show increasing maturity.

And as we sense that we are beginning to lose the control that we once had, parents are faced with a decision: do I attempt to parent and lead my children by means of control or by means of influence. And our tendency and temptation is to attempt to keep and maintain the same level of control that we have always had. But as we attempt to cling to that control, we begin to experience conflict with our children that strain our relationships. And it is those very conflicts that result in us as parents losing the very influence to speak into the lives of our children at the very time that they need our influence the most.

Instead of provoking our children to anger; instead of putting our children in no win situations, Paul commands parents to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. What is so interesting here is that the phrase “bring them up” is the same phrase that we looked at last week in Ephesians 5:29 that described how husbands were to provide for the care and the comfort of their wives.

Paul’s point is that in a similar way, parents are to create a family environment where children are able to grow and mature into all that God has created and called them to be. How parents are to create a family environment that promotes the growth and good of children is through the discipline and instruction of the Lord. In the language that this letter was originally written in, discipline refers to the act of providing guidance for responsible living. By contrast, when Paul uses the word instruction here, he is referring to a parent’s need to counsel their children about avoiding or stopping behavior that is improper or inappropriate.

In other words, parents are to guide and influence our children so that they would live in the relationship with God and in relationship with others that God designed them to live. Parents have been given the role and responsibility to guide and influence their children in a manner that they would live a life in the relationship with God and one another that they were created for. In addition, parents have been given the role and responsibility to guide and influence their children to avoid the landmines that selfishness, sin, and the devil place in their path.

And it is in this verse that we see Paul reveal a timeless and powerful principle when it comes to how parents fulfill their roles and responsibilities within a family. And that timeless principle is this: Parents our ability to influence our children is based on the depth of our relationship with our children. And this is why the issue of control and influence is so, so, so important when it comes to our role and responsibility as parents.

You see parents, here is the thing; we will be unable to be able to guide and influence our children as they grow and mature if we choose to cling to the concept of parenting by control. Now the reason why parenting by control results in a loss of influence is twofold. First, while parenting by control can produce external obedience, it does not result in heart transformation. While parenting by control addresses the “what” of a child’s behavior, it fails to address the “why” of a child’s behavior. And it is the “why” of a child’s behavior that reveals the heart attitudes and motivations.

Second, as your child grows, you no longer are able to exercise control because you are bigger and smarter. And because of that reality, we can find ourselves attempting to exercise control through manipulation, which children see right through and resent. And soon, children find themselves in the place of being in a no-win situation that produces, conflict stress, and strife. And the result is a gradual destruction of the depth and quality of our relationship with our children.

At some point, as parents, we need to recognize that are children have come to place in their lives in terms of their physical, emotional, and spiritual maturity that requires a shift from parenting by control to parenting by influence. What makes this so difficult, however, is that no two children are the same. Children mature at different rates, so the decision as to when to shift from control to influence will be different for each and every child.

And parents just as God will not hold you responsible or accountable for how your children respond to the role and responsibility of leadership that you have been given, God will totally hold you 100% accountable for how you lead and influence your children. And our decision when it comes to choosing to parent by control or influence will impact the amount of influence we have with our children.

When we choose to parent strictly by control, we can find ourselves in a place where we gradually begin to erode the relationship we have with our children. A place where we so erode the relationship that we have with our children that we end up losing our ability to guide and lead our children at the very time in their lives when they need our guidance and influence the most.

You see, the time in our children’s lives where they will be making the biggest decisions in their lives; decisions about colleges; decisions about careers; decisions about marriage and family; these are the times where we have the least control. And these are the very times when we need to have the most influence in their lives. Yet when we fail to move from parenting by control to parenting by influence as our children grow we can so erode our relationship with our children that we end up having the least amount of influence when our children need it the most. Because parents our ability to influence our children is based on the depth of our relationship with our children.

So parents, how well are you dealing with the tension that comes from parenting by control or influence? Are you provoking your children to anger? Are you placing your children in no win situations that result in conflict that is gradually eroding your relationship with them?

Because parents our ability to influence our children is based on the depth of our relationship with our children...

A child's willingness to follow the leadership of their parents will influence how they will follow leadership in the future...

At the church where I serve, we are coming to the end of a sermon series entitled family daze to family days. Our hope and our prayer during this series is that God would move by the power of the Holy Spirit in our heads, hearts, and hands to equip and empower us to move our families from a place of dazed conflict and confusion to a place where we would experience the family relationships that God has created and called us to experience.

This week, as we come to the conclusion of this series, I would like for us to talk about the dynamic, or sometimes just the dynamite, that describes the relationships that occur between parents and children in families. So often, when we think about families, when we think about family relationships, as parents, we can feel like we are walking through life dazed and confused because of the attitudes and actions of our children. And as children, we can feel like we are walking through life dazed and confused by the failure of our parents to understand and connect with us.

Over the past thirty years, I have had the privilege of working with students and families in a variety of roles. And during my time working at a juvenile jail, as a probation officer supervising troubled teenagers, as a Student Ministries Pastor serving Jr. High, Sr. High and College aged students, or now in my current role as Pastor, I have experienced a common theme or thread that runs through the conflict and struggles that many families experience. And that common theme and thread is this: much of the conflict that families experience between parents and children is the result of either confusion or rebellion when it comes to roles and responsibilities.

In some cases, conflict occurs as a result of either a parent or child attempting to fill a role that they were not designed to fill. And we have also seen increasing instances in our culture where children are in essence parenting their younger brothers, sisters, and even parents as a result of parents who are ill equipped, unprepared, and unwilling to be parents. In other cases, conflict occurs as a result of either a parent or child rebelling against the role and responsibilities that they have within a family. We see the devastating effects of selfish rebellion and sin wreak havoc on families as both parents and children go to war with one another. And whether it is out of confusion or rebellion, at the end of the day both parents and children are left dazed and confused by the conflict that rages within the family.

So this week I would like for us to spend our time together discovering God’s Divine design for the roles and goals of parents and children within family relationships. And as we look at another section of a letter that the Apostle Paul wrote to the church of Ephesus, we will see God reveal to us two timeless and powerful principles, one for children and one for parents, that have incredible influence as to whether or not we experience the family relationships that God created and designed us to experience. So let’s look at this section of this letter together, beginning in Ephesians 6:1:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER (which is the first commandment with a promise), SO THAT IT MAY BE WELL WITH YOU, AND THAT YOU MAY LIVE LONG ON THE EARTH.

Paul begins this section of his letter to the church at Ephesus by addressing the roles and responsibilities that children have when it comes to God’s design for family relationships. Paul commands children to obey your parents in the Lord. Now when Paul uses the word obey here, this word, in the language that this letter was originally written in, means to follow instructions. In addition, this word conveys the sense of being subject to one who has a position of leadership and authority. Paul’s point here is that children are to willingly place themselves under the leadership of their parents in a way that follows their leadership by placing them first. Children are to obey their parent in the Lord. In other words, children are to willingly place themselves under their parent’s leadership in the same manner that they are to place themselves under the leadership of Jesus.

Now a natural question that has arisen in the hearts and minds of children throughout history when it comes to obeying our parent’s instructions can be summarized in a simple three letter word: “why”? The Apostle Paul, anticipating this question, provides the answer for us by stating for this is right. This phrase reveals the reality that, just like the other relationships within a family that we have looked at in this series, children have certain roles and responsibilities that God design and desire for the family. God has a design for family relationships and part of His design is that children willing place themselves under their parent’s leadership and authority.

Paul then reinforced why it is right for children to willingly place themselves under their parent’s leadership by pointing back to one of God’s commands to the Jewish people which is recorded for us in another letter in our Bible called the book of Exodus. In Exodus 20:12, as part of the Ten Commandments, we see God command the Jewish people to honor their father and mother. Now when the letters that make up the Bible talk about honoring someone, it is the idea of showing a high regard or respect for someone. Paul quoted this commandment to reveal for us the reality that when children willingly place themselves under their parent’s leadership and authority they are fulfilling this commandment by showing them the regard and respect that they deserve as parents.

The apostle then explained that this is the first of the Ten Commandments that is accompanied by a promise. In other words, a child’s positive response of following this commandment results in a promise fulfilled by God. The promise that God attaches to this command is twofold and is revealed for us in verse 3. First, God promises children that they are to live their lives in a way that shows regard and respect for their parents by willingly placing themselves under their leadership so that it may be well with you.

And children, we know this to be true don’t we?  When we respect our parents and follow their instructions, things tend to go much smoother at home don’t they? There is less fighting, there is less yelling, and there is less nagging. Children and students, if you are not sure that this is the case, I have an experiment for you to do this week to test God’s promise; whenever your parents ask you to do something, just say o.k. and do it the first time. See what happens. See whether or not it will be well with you.

Second, God promises children that they are to show regard and respect for their parents by willingly placing themselves under their leadership so that you may live long on the earth. Now a natural temptation is to view this statement in a similar way to what I occasionally experienced when I did not show my parents respect or follow their instructions. Occasionally, when I failed to follow the instructions of my parents or show disrespect to them, my father would say “just remember I brought you into this world and I can take you out of this world”. Maybe some of us still hear our parents say something like that to us. And while that statement was true, that is not all that Paul is reminding us of here.

Paul is not simply talking about the quantity or length of our years on earth. Paul is also reminding us of the reality that the quality or how well our years go on earth are connected to how we respond to our parent’s leadership and authority. You see, it is in this timeless promise that God attaches to this command that we see revealed for us a timeless and powerful principle when it comes to how children respond to their roles and responsibilities within a family. And that timeless principle is this: Children, your willingness to follow the leadership of your parents will influence how you will follow leadership in the future.

Children and students, here’s the thing; no matter how old you become, no matter how smart or strong you become, no matter how much money you make, there will always be someone who is in leadership and authority over you. If you do not think that is the case, just look at the lives and listen to the conversations of the adults who exercise leadership within your family, whether it is your parents, your grandparents, or other relatives.

There is always someone in our lives that we are responsible to report to and answer to when it comes to our attitude and actions. And your willingness to place yourselves under the leadership of your parents will influence and impact your willingness to willingly place yourself under the leadership of others in the future. Your willingness to willingly place yourselves under the leadership and authority of your parents in a way that regards and respects them will influence and impact how you will respond to the leadership and authority of teachers, employers, and other authority figures in the future.

Now, children and students, just like the men last week, and just like the ladies two weeks ago, you may be here this morning and you may be pushing back by thinking “but Dave you don’t know my mom. You don’t know my dad. You do not know how they treat me. Paul would not have written that if he knew my parents”. My response would be yes, he would have. Because this has absolutely nothing to do with your parents. And this has everything to do with you.

You see, I have some good news and some bad news for you this morning. The good news is that God will not hold you responsible or accountable for how good or bad your parents are. God will deal with your parents on how your parents treat you. The bad news is that God will totally hold you 100% accountable for how you treat your parents. And how you choose to treat your parent’s sets in place patterns that you will follow the rest of your life. Because your willingness to follow the leadership of your parents will influence how you will follow leadership in the future.            

Paul concludes this section of his letter by turning his attention to the roles and responsibilities that parents have when it comes to their relationship with their children. We will pick up there on Thursday…

What picture are our marriages painting to the world?

This week we have been focusing on the men and the role and responsibility of men in marriage by looking at a section of a letter in the New Testament of the Bible called the book of Ephesians. In Ephesians 5:25-30, we see Paul reveal for us a timeless truth when it comes to how a man’s response to God’s design can reveal a great deal about where they are spiritually in terms of the depth of your relationship with Christ in that a husband’s willingness to embrace their leadership responsibilities reflects a husband's willingness to follow Jesus example.

As we talked about last week, God divinely designed a marriage relationship with specific roles and responsibilities. And just like our first parents, Adam and Eve, while men and women have equal value and worth in God’s creation, men and women have different roles and responsibilities to fulfill; men are to exercise a role of leadership and authority as first among equals by lovingly leading, providing, and protecting women in ways that are appropriate to their relationship. Women are to fulfill their role in relationships by lovingly coming under and following godly male leadership in a way that allows for growth in their relationship with Christ and to exercise the gifts that God has given them.

However, as we looked at last week, instead of fulfilling his responsibility to lovingly, lead, protect, and provide for his wife, Adam cowardly chose to allow Eve to lead their relationship. You see, God gave His command to Adam, who was expected to lead the couple in following the command. The result was disobeying God’s command and sin entered the world and corrupted God’s design and creation.

And as a result, there are specific consequences of our first parent’s sin that lead men and women to push back against their role in marriage relationships. As a result of our first parent’s sin, all women throughout history have a natural bent and desire to rebel against and usurp God’s design for marriage relationships by attempting to exercise leadership and domination over men. And as a result of our first parent’s sin, men tend to abdicate their leadership responsibilities and instead function in one of two extremes. Apart from Jesus work on the cross and the Holy Spirit’s activity in our lives, men have a natural bent to act as either a coward or a chauvinist when it comes to their relationship with women.

Now whether you are married or single; whether you are a man or a woman; and you may be wondering “why does God’s design for marriage even matter? What is the big deal? I mean, why is it so important that husbands love their wives as Christ loved the church? Why is it so important that wives willingly place themselves under their husband’s leadership? Sure maybe my marriage does not function like the Bible teaches, but things are o.k.”

If those are some of the thoughts that are running through your mind, I just want to let you know that those are fair questions to be asking.  We see Paul answer these questions by pointing to a second parallel that is revealed by God’s design and purpose for marriage, beginning in Ephesians 5:31:

FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH.

Here we see Paul quote Genesis 2:24, which describes the marriage relationship and the intimacy that the one flesh marriage relationship should experience. As we talked about last week, Adam and Eve were able to be totally transparent and vulnerable with one another. They were united in a one flesh relationship physically, spiritually, and emotionally as a result of their love for God and one another that viewed one another with equal value and worth.

Yet while Adam and Eve had equal value and worth in God’s creation, they had different roles and responsibilities to fulfill. Adam was to exercise a role of leadership and authority as first among equals by lovingly leading, providing, and protecting Eve. And Eve was to lovingly coming under and following Adam’s leadership in a way that allows for her spiritual growth and good. But notice what Paul states next in verse 32:

This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.

Now when Paul uses the word mystery here, this word refers to is a timeless truth about God and His Divine Plan that was once hidden, but now has been made known through Christ. This once hidden timeless truth about God, according to Paul is of utmost importance. He then proclaims exactly what this great mystery that has now been made known is: but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.

You see, here’s the thing: the reason why the health of you marriage is so important in God’s eyes; the reason why God has a divine design for the roles that men and women are to have within a marriage relationship; is that marriage has been divinely designed by God to be a picture on earth of the intimacy that followers of Jesus will have for all eternity with Christ. Marriage was designed by God to be a word picture to the world of the vulnerability, the transparency, and the intimacy that followers of Jesus will experience for all eternity with Him.

So when we choose to reject, to rebel, to pushback against God’s design when it comes to the roles and responsibilities that men and women have in marriage, we end up portraying a false picture of the relationship that we were designed to have with God for all eternity. And when our marriages are marked by confusion and conflict when it comes to the roles and responsibilities that men and women have in marriage, we end up portraying a flawed picture of the relationship that we were designed to have with God for all eternity.

That is why God hates divorce. God hates divorce because divorce mars and misrepresents the eternal covenant relationship that Jesus has with His followers. The covenant relationship that Jesus selflessly and sacrificially died for; the same selfless and sacrificial love that Paul commands husbands to love their wives with.  You see, God desires that our marriages experience a glimpse of the intimacy that we will experience for all eternity with Jesus. But to experience that intimacy requires following God design when it comes to the roles and responsibilities we have as men and women in marriage, which is why Paul concludes this section of this letter the way he does in Ephesians 5:33:

Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

In other words, what is important and what is the point of the past two weeks is that husbands and wives faithfully fulfill their roles and responsibilities within marriage as God divinely designed. Husbands are to exercise a role of leadership and authority as first among equals by lovingly leading, providing, and protecting their wives as Christ lovingly leads the church. Wives are to fulfill their role in marriage relationships by lovingly coming under and following godly male leadership in a way that allows for their spiritual growth and good, so that they can become more like Jesus in character and conduct as they engage in the kingdom mission that we have been given by Jesus.

Now here is the question: Who has the harder role and responsibility when it comes to marriage, the husband or the wife? The answer is both. You see, this is how men and women in marriage practice what is referred to in church mumbo jumbo talk as mutual submission. Wives practice the concept of mutual submission by willingly place themselves under the leadership of their husbands in a way that places their husband first in a marriage relationship. And men practice the concept of mutual submission by exercise a role of leadership and authority as first among equals by lovingly leading, providing, and protecting his wife by placing His wife first, just as Christ loved the church and placed followers of Jesus before Himself.

I don’t know about you, but I find these two weeks to be incredibly challenging. It is hard for a wife to willingly place themselves under the leadership of their husbands in a way that follows their leadership in a marriage relationship. And it is hard for a husband to exercise a role of leadership and authority as first among equals by lovingly leading, providing, and protecting his wife by placing His wife first, just as Christ loved the church and placed followers of Jesus before Himself.

That is why it is so important that our relationships be controlled and influenced by the Holy Spirit’s power, because our relationships are influenced by what influences us. And the embracing of our roles within marriage has profound implications for our relationship with God. Because the timeless reality is that a wife’s willingness to embrace and place themselves under a husband’s godly leadership reflects a wife’s willingness to follow Jesus leadership. And a husband’s willingness to embrace their leadership responsibilities reflects a husband’s willingness to follow Jesus example…

The eight most prevalent selfish and sinful stereotypes of men that act as cowards or chauvinists in their marriage relationships...

This week we are looking at a section of a letter that is recorded for us in the New Testament of the Bible, called the book of Ephesians. Yesterday, in Ephesians 5:25-30, we saw the Apostle Paul reveal for us a timeless truth when it comes to how a man’s response to God’s design can reveal a great deal about where they are spiritually in terms of the depth of your relationship with Christ in that a husband’s willingness to embrace their leadership responsibilities reflects a husband's willingness to follow Jesus example.

As we talked about last week, God divinely designed a marriage relationship with specific roles and responsibilities. And just like our first parents, Adam and Eve, while men and women have equal value and worth in God’s creation, men and women have different roles and responsibilities to fulfill; men are to exercise a role of leadership and authority as first among equals by lovingly leading, providing, and protecting women in ways that are appropriate to their relationship. Women are to fulfill their role in relationships by lovingly coming under and following godly male leadership in a way that allows for growth in their relationship with Christ and to exercise the gifts that God has given them.

However, as we looked at last week, instead of fulfilling his responsibility to lovingly, lead, protect, and provide for his wife, Adam cowardly chose to allow Eve to lead their relationship. You see, God gave His command to Adam, who was expected to lead the couple in following the command. The result was disobeying God’s command and sin entered the world and corrupted God’s design and creation.

And as a result, there are specific consequences of our first parent’s sin that lead men and women to push back against their role in marriage relationships. As a result of our first parent’s sin, all women throughout history have a natural bent and desire to rebel against and usurp God’s design for marriage relationships by attempting to exercise leadership and domination over men. And as a result of our first parent’s sin, men tend to abdicate their leadership responsibilities and instead function in one of two extremes. Apart from Jesus work on the cross and the Holy Spirit’s activity in our lives, men have a natural bent to act as either a coward or a chauvinist when it comes to their relationship with women.

Mark Driscoll has done an outstanding job of summarizing the eight most prevalent selfish and sinful stereotypes of men that act as cowards or and chauvinists in their marriage relationships. First, let’s look at the selfish rebellion by men that leads to chauvinism. You may have met some of these men. First, there is no Sissy Stuff Sam. For No Sissy Stuff Sam, being a man means not being like a woman. No Sissy Stuff Sam’s driving life philosophy is whatever women do men are to do the exact opposite. These are the guys who are in a social environment who have contests as to who can belch the loudest, drink the most beer, be the most obnoxious, kill the most people on Fortnite Battle Royale, be the toughest, coarsest, baddest dudes in town.

Then there is Success and Status Stewart. For Success and Status Stewart, being a man is all about material success. Success and Status Stewart is driven by how many toys are in the garage, how large his house is, how much money is in the bank account. Masculinity is defined by material possessions. Unfortunately Success and Status Stewart in never around to enjoy his toys or invest in his family because he is too busy striving for position and possessions. He is unable to lead and protect his family because he is never around.

Then there is Giv’em Hell Hank. This is guy that you see yelling and berating his wife and kids. Give’em Hell Hank is angry and abusive, spending his time inflating his ego by bullying and degrading his wife and kids. Now Give’em Hell Hank would never talk to another guy the way he talks to his wife, because he would probably get a beat down. Guys, is this you? Is this how you treat your wife and children? Because if it is I have a secret for you. You may not know this, but other men don’t respect you; other men think you are a joke. Berating and abusing your wife does not get you any street cred; and it does not get you any respect; it just shows that you are a male chauvinist pig that lives a life that is exactly the opposite of how Jesus treats His bride the church.

Then there is Giv’em Hell Hank’s cousin; I’m the Boss Bob. I’m the Boss Bob is driven to be in charge of something because if you are not in charge of something you are not a man. I’m the Boss Bob is domineering and controlling. This is the guy that will walk into a church or an organization and just say “I want to be in charge of something”. And here’s the thing about him; He loves to be in authority, but hates to be under authority. He is a prideful, positional and power hungry person.

In addition, there the different, yet just as bad, selfish and sinful stereotypes of cowardice. First, there is Little Boy Larry. And unfortunately, many in the church have unintentionally produced and rewarded Little Boy Larry. Little Boy Larry is the 35 year old guy who still lives with his mother in her basement and plays X-Box all night. He’s disorganized, has no job and no real desire to get a job; instead he is looking to find a woman who will work so that he can be a stay at home dad. And so often, the church will look at Little Boy Larry and say “Well Larry is so nice, he’s such a nice little boy”. Exactly. He is still a boy at 35 who refuses to take any responsibility for his life.

Then there is Sturdy Oak Owen. Now Sturdy Oak Owen is a guy who is absolutely dependable but emotionally absent. This is the husband who comes home from work every evening, eats dinner, and then goes to the reclining chair and reads the paper for the rest of the evening and does not engage or invest in his wife or family. He does not lead the family or address concerns within the family, but abdicates that responsibility to his wife because he works hard all day. Instead of leading and investing, he cowardly hides behind his “dependability”.

The other extreme is Hyper-Spiritual Henry. Hyper Spiritual Henry is the guy that always is walking around with his Bible using it as a sledge hammer. Hyper Spiritual Henry’s wife and children are always worried in public when they are around him because he will take every opportunity to take every conversation into a doctrinal debate. The problem with Hyper Spiritual Henry is that he talks at you but not to you. He spends his time cowardly hiding behind religious behavior and God talk, which He may or may not follow. He lets his wife and children know all he knows about God, but they feel that he may not know God or them.

Finally, there is Good Time Gary. Good time Gary is the guy that women like to date but hate to marry. Good time Gary is the life of the party; he makes things exciting and interesting. But for Good time Gary life just is a party. Gary is the guy whose irresponsibility pervades every part of his life. And after a while, Gary’s cowardly avoidance of responsibility through joking and partying and goofing his way through life gets just plain old.

So men, have I just described you? Or have I just described a selfish and sinful tendency that occasionally appears in your marriage relationship? You see, all men throughout history have a tendency to be either cowards or chauvinists. That is why, as we talked about at the very beginning of this series, for us to experience relationships as God designed them to be experienced requires that we be influenced by God’s Spirit. God has designed specific roles within relationships and God has designed specific goals that those relationships are to accomplish. And for us to accomplish those goals, we need to live a life that is influenced and controlled by God’s spirit.

Now you might be here this morning, whether you are married or single; whether you are a man or a woman; and you may be wondering “why does God’s design for marriage even matter? What is the big deal? I mean, why is it so important that husbands love their wives as Christ loved the church? Why is it so important that wives willingly place themselves under their husband’s leadership? Sure maybe my marriage does not function like the Bible teaches, but things are o.k.”

If those are some of the thoughts that are running through your mind, I just want to let you know that those are fair questions to be asking.  Friday we will see Paul answer these questions…

A husband’s willingness to embrace their leadership responsibilities reflects a husband's willingness to follow Jesus example...

At the church where I serve, we are in the middle of a sermon series entitled family daze to family days. We began this series by explaining that God has a design for relationships. God has designed specific roles within relationships and God has designed specific goals that those relationships are to accomplish. And because of that reality, for us to experience relationships as God designed them to be experienced requires that we be influenced by God’s Spirit, because our relationships are influenced by what influences us.

Last week, we talked about the reality that nowhere in our culture today is God’s design for relationships more misunderstood, misapplied, or resisted then when it comes to the relationship that men and women are to experience within a marriage. Last week we focused like a laser beam on a wife’s role and goal within a marriage relationship. We discovered the timeless reality is that a wife’s willingness to embrace and place themselves under a husband’s godly leadership reflects a wife’s willingness to follow Jesus leadership. Just as followers of Jesus are to willingly place themselves under His leadership as they exist in community with one another, wives are to willingly place themselves under the leadership of their husbands in a way that follows their leadership in a marriage relationship.

This week, I would like for us to spend our time together focused like a laser beam on the men. So let’s pick up where we left off last week, as Paul continues his conversation with the members of the church at Ephesus, in Ephesians 5:25:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,

Paul begins this section of his letter with the members of the church at Ephesus by addressing God’s divine design for the role that men are to have in a marriage relationship with a command. Now it is important to understand that this is not a suggestion or a goal to strive for; this is a command: Husbands love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her”.  Paul makes a parallel between the relationship between husband and wife and the relationship between Christ and the church to reveal for us the reality that God commands husbands to love their wives the same way that Christ loved the church.

Paul is reminding the men of the church at Ephesus, and men throughout history, that they are so selflessly and sacrificially love their wives, just as Jesus selflessly and sacrificially loved humanity all the way to the cross. Jesus left the glory of Heaven, laid aside His position and His prominence and entered into humanity in order to live a life as a homeless, itinerant preacher and die the most humiliating and painful death imaginable. Paul is basically saying "Men that is how you are to love your wives. You are to love our wives as Jesus loves His church." Paul then continues by unpacking the results that Jesus love has on His relationship with the church in verses 26-27: 

so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.

Here we see Paul reveal two specific results that Christ’s selfless and sacrificial love had when it came to His relationship with the church. First, Paul states that Jesus loved the church selflessly and sacrificially so that He might sanctify her. Now this word sanctify is a big fancy church mumbo jumbo talk word that literally means to include a person in the inner circle of what is holy. Paul here paints for us an amazing word picture of a person who was once an outsider now being made a part of a family. Paul’s point is that Jesus love for His church resulted in those who were once on the outside when it came to having a relationship with God were now being able to be an insider and a part of the family of God as a result of Jesus life, death, and resurrection.

In addition, when Paul uses the phrase, “having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, he is reminding the readers of this letter of what occurs at baptism. The phrase with the word refers to one’s confession of faith that occurs during a baptism. At baptism, one publicly identifies themselves as being a follower of Jesus. And part of that process is sharing one’s testimony of how they became a follower of Jesus. Paul’s point here is that the church reveals and reflects the relationship with God that they were created for and brought into as a result of Jesus selfless and sacrificial love when people publicly proclaim and identify themselves with the inward transformation that has changed their lives through believing, trusting, and following Jesus.

Second, Paul states that Jesus loved the church selflessly and sacrificially so that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. In other words, Jesus love for the church was so that the church would be made glorious. Jesus loves His church and desires that His bride the church would possess and inherent quality of splendor and purity that is extraordinary. Jesus loves the church so that the church would be without spot or stain or blemish.

Jesus loves the church so that the church would be without any cracks or flaws. Jesus loves the church so that his bride the church would respond to His selfless and sacrificial love by being devoted and dedicated to Him. And Jesus loves His bride the church with the desire that His bride would respond to His love with a life that reflects His character and His conduct; a life that is faultlessly focused on pleasing Him.

Now men, here is a question for us to consider: Do we love our wives like that? Do we love our wives in a way that brings them closer to Christ? Do we treat them like an outsider or love them as an insider? Do we love our wives in a way that makes them glorious?  Do we love our wives in a way that is motivated that they would become extraordinary women? Extraordinary in their spiritual splendor and purity? Do we love our wives in a way that results in pointing them to a deeper devotion to God and the mission that He has given us? Do we love our wives in a way that provokes in them a desire to reveal and reflect Christ in their character and conduct?

And if those questions are not challenging enough, Paul continues by applying Christ’s love for the church even more clearly to the relationship between a husband and a wife in verses 28-30:

So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body.

Now when Paul uses the word ought here, this word literally means to be under an obligation to meet certain expectations. And husbands, this is the obligation that we are supposed to meet: Husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. Paul then makes an interesting statement that we sometimes pass by when he states that he who loves his own wife loves himself. But what does that mean? Paul here is anticipating the potential pushback these commands by drawing another parallel between a marriage relationship and the relationship that Christ has with His bride, the church. We see Paul begin to unpack this parallel in verses 29-30.

 First Paul states that, when it comes to men, no one hates his own flesh; instead they nourish it and cherish it. In the athletic culture of the city of Ephesus, the physical body was of exceptional importance. And just like today, men in the city of Ephesus trained and worked out to compete in games. And just like today, men took care of their bodies when it came to what they ate. They made sure they had the proper nourishment so that they could perform well. When Paul uses the word cherish here, this word conveys the sense of comfort.

The point that the apostle is making here is that just as men intuitively take pains to provide for the care and comfort of our physical bodies, we are to do the same when it comes to how we treat our wives. Men, we are to strive to provide and we are to care about the comfort of our wives physical, emotional, relational and spiritual needs.  The reason we are to do that is because that is exactly what Christ does for His body the church. As we have talked about in past sermon series, the church is divinely designed to be the vehicle that God uses to reveal Jesus to the world. Jesus Christ is the head and we are the body or the vehicle that reveals and reflects Jesus to the world. And Jesus provides and cares for the physical, emotional, relational and spiritual needs of His body, the church. 

And it is here that we see Paul reveal for us a timeless truth when it comes to how a man’s response to God’s design can reveal a great deal about where they are spiritually in terms of the depth of your relationship with Christ. And for husband's that timeless truth is that a husband’s willingness to embrace their leadership responsibilities reflects a husband's willingness to follow Jesus example. Now, men, just like the ladies last week, you may be here this morning and you may be pushing back by thinking “but Dave you don’t know my wife. Paul would not have written that if he knew my wife”.

My response would be yes, He would have. Because this has absolutely nothing to do with your wife. And this has everything to do with you. You see, Jesus never asks us to do something He has not already done men. Jesus died on the cross for your selfish rebellion and sin. And He was fully aware of your rebellion when He selflessly and sacrificially loved you to the cross. And He expects you to reflect that selfless and sacrificial love to your wife.

Now ladies, you may be wondering “why doesn’t my husband love me like that”? Ladies, the reason that your husband may not love you like that is the same reason why you push back against the idea of willingly placing yourselves under your husband’s leadership in the same manner that you are to place yourself under the leadership of Jesus.

Tomorrow we will answer that question…

A wife’s willingness to embrace and place themselves under a husband’s godly leadership reflects a wife’s willingness to follow Jesus leadership...

This week, we have been looking at a section of a letter that is recorded for us in the New Testament of the Bible, called the book of Ephesians, where the Apostle Paul has focused on a wife’s role and responsibility within a marriage relationship. In Ephesians 5:22-23, we see Paul command wives to willingly place themselves under the leadership of their husbands in a way that follows their leadership in a marriage relationship. And Paul seems to add to the tension when he states that wives are to be subject as to the Lord. In other words, women are to willingly place themselves under their husband’s leadership in the same manner that they are to place themselves under the leadership of Jesus.

We discovered that the tension that we tend to feel when we discuss what the letters that make up the Bible have to say about the relationship between men and women within a marriage, often flows from two specific areas of confusion. The first area of confusion that can often arise when we talk about the idea of leadership or authority within a marriage relationship is due to how our culture attempts to portray God’s design when it comes to a women’s role in a marriage. A second area of confusion that can often arise when we talk about leadership and authority within a marriage relationship, which is the tendency in our culture to confuse value and roles.

We then discovered the principle of “the first among equals” in that while Adam and Eve had equal value and worth in God’s creation, they had different roles and responsibilities to fulfill; Adam was to exercise a role of leadership and authority as first among equals by lovingly leading, providing, and protecting Eve. And Eve was to lovingly come under and following Adam’s leadership in a way that allows for her spiritual growth and good. And just like our first parents, while men and women have equal value and worth in God’s creation, men and women have different roles and responsibilities to fulfill; men are to exercise a role of leadership and authority as first among equals by lovingly leading, providing, and protecting women in ways that are appropriate to their relationship. Women are to fulfill their role in relationships by lovingly coming under and following godly male leadership in a way that allows for growth in their relationship with Christ and to exercise the gifts that God has given them.

Now a natural and great question that arises here is “well Dave if God really designed marriage relationships to be like this, then why doesn’t my husband do what he is supposed to do? Why doesn’t he lovingly, lead, protect, and provide for me?” Or you may be thinking “Well Dave, if this is the case, if this is God’s design, then why do I want to push back against this so hard?” These are great questions to ask, and here would be my answer: We push back on this so hard just as our first parents pushed back on this truth. We see their pushback recorded for us just one chapter later, in Genesis 3:1-7:

Now the serpent was more crafty than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said to the woman, "Indeed, has God said, 'You shall not eat from any tree of the garden '?" The woman said to the serpent, "From the fruit of the trees of the garden we may eat; but from the fruit of the tree which is in the middle of the garden, God has said, 'You shall not eat from it or touch it, or you will die.'" The serpent said to the woman, "You surely will not die! "For God knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was desirable to make one wise, she took from its fruit and ate; and she gave also to her husband with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loin coverings.

Instead of fulfilling his responsibility to lovingly, lead, protect, and provide for his wife, Adam cowardly chose to allow Eve to lead their relationship. God gave His command to Adam, who was expected to lead the couple in following the commandment. The result was disobeying God’s command and sin entered the world and corrupted God’s design and creation. We see the specific consequences of our first parent’s sin that leads women to push back against their role in marriage relationships in Genesis 3:16:

To the woman He said, "I will greatly multiply Your pain in childbirth, In pain you will bring forth children; Yet your desire will be for your husband, And he will rule over you."

What is so interesting here is that this phrase “your desire will be for your husband” is not referring to a sexual or relational desire. We know that to be the case because this phrase is used just one chapter later, in Genesis chapter four. After God rejected an act of worship that was offered by Adam and Eve’s son, named Cain. Cain was very angry. He was so angry that his anger was revealed in his countenance or body language. And it is in this context that we see this phrase appear again in Genesis 4:7:

"If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it."

You see, sin was crouching at Cain’s door, desiring to dominate and manipulate Cain into rebelling against God. And in the same way, as a result of our first parent’s sin, all women throughout history have a natural bent and desire to rebel against God’s design in creation by seeking to usurp and rebel against God’s design for marriage relationships by attempting to exercise leadership and domination over men. And as a result of our first parent’s sin, men tend to abdicate their leadership responsibilities and instead function as either cowards or chauvinists. And we see Paul reinforce God’s design when it comes to the role and goal that a woman has in a marriage relationship with the following statement in Ephesians 5:24:

But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

Paul reinforces God’s design for women within a marriage relationship by explaining that just as followers of Jesus are to willingly place themselves under His leadership as they exist in community with one another, wives are to willingly place themselves under the leadership of their husbands in a way that follows their leadership in a marriage relationship. And what makes this statement even more difficult is the last two words in everything. This is not just about what occurs in the bedroom, or the laundry room. Wives are to willingly place themselves under the leadership of their husbands in every aspect of their marriage.

And it is here that we see Paul reveal for us a timeless truth when it comes to how a woman’s response to God’s design can reveal a great deal about where they are spiritually in terms of the depth of your relationship with Christ. And for wives specifically, the timeless reality is that a wife’s willingness to embrace and place themselves under a husband’s godly leadership reflects a wife’s willingness to follow Jesus leadership.

You see, ladies, your willingness to willingly place yourself under the leadership of Jesus will be reflected in your willingness to willingly place yourself under your husband’s godly leadership. As followers of Jesus, we can often find ourselves practically living life in this manner: God you can be large and in charge of these parts of my life, but when it comes to my money, when it comes to my habits, or when it comes to my marriage, I will be large and in charge of those parts of my life.

However, Jesus desires to be large and in charge of every part of our lives, including our marriages. And when God created marriage, He divinely designed specific roles and goals within marriage that result in God’s glory and our good. And our willingness as husbands and wives to embrace and place ourselves within those roles have a profound impact on the depth and intimacy we have with Christ…