Handling Conflict in Marriage...

This week we are asking and answering the question " How are we to handle conflict in marriage?”  by looking at a section of a letter that is preserved and recorded for us in the New Testament of the Bible called the book of Ephesians. Yesterday, in Ephesians 4:25-27, we saw the Apostle Paul reveal the reality that, in our marriages, which are to be a word picture to the world of the love that Jesus has for His followers, we are to lay aside a lifestyle of falsehood in order to live a life that is marked by truth in our marriages.

In addition, we saw the Apostle Paul reveal the reality that in our marriages, which are to be a word picture to the world of the love that Jesus has for His followers, we are to respond in anger to the right things and respond in anger to the right things in the right way. In addition, we are to deal with their anger in a timely manner that does not let anger fester and that does not give the devil and chance to exert his influence as a result of our festering anger.

While we may not be able to resolve the conflict fully, we are to deal with the anger that the conflict has produced in us in a timely manner. Today, we will see Paul make three more commands to the members of the church at Ephesus that help answer the question "How do we handle conflict in marriage?" We see the first command in Ephesians 5:28:

             He who steals must steal no longer; but rather he must

             labor, performing with his own hands what is good, so

             that he will have something to share with one who has

             need.

Now verse 28, if communicated in the language we use in our culture today, would have sounded something like this: "Those of you who are stealing at work need to stop taking what does not belong to you. Instead, you need exert yourself to work hard to accomplish something of worth that benefits your employer and will provide you the opportunity to be generous to those who are in need". You see, Paul wanted the members of the church at Ephesus to rid themselves of  their old nature that was marked by dishonesty and robbery in the workplace in order to put on our new nature that reflected their identity as being aligned with a lifestyle of honesty and integrity in the workplace.

And in the same way today, just like in our places of employment, in our marriages, which are to be a word picture to the world of the love that Jesus has for His followers, we are to strive to live lives of honesty, integrity and generosity when it comes to how we treat our spouse.

So here is a question to consider: Are you experiencing conflict in your marriage as a result of a lifestyle that is marked by dishonesty at work and at home? Are you stealing stuff from your employer? Are you stealing time from your employer? Or are you living a lifestyle that is marked by integrity and generosity in the workplace and at home? Paul then provides a fourth command to the members of the church at Ephesus in verse 29:

            Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, 

            but only such a word as is good for edification according

            to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to

            those who hear.

When Paul uses the word unwholesome here, this word refers to that which is bad or unwholesome to the extent of being harmful or evil. So Paul here is commanding the members of the church at Ephesus to rid themselves of using words that were harmful and hurtful to others. Instead, Paul commands the members of the church at Ephesus to use words that are good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Now the word edification literally means to build something up.

In other words, Paul is commanding the members of the church at Ephesus to use words that built others up when they were in need of those words. Paul is commanding the members of the church at Ephesus to use words that build others up in a way that benefited and extended favor to others. And in the same way today, in our marriages, which are to be a word picture to the world of the love that Jesus has for His followers, we are to rid ourselves of words that tear one another down and replace those words with words that build one another up. We are to speak words that are useful in building one another up. And we are to speak words that are beneficial to one another.

So here is a question to consider:  When you experience conflict in your marriage, is that conflict marked by harmful and hurtful words that tear others down? Are you sarcastic, even caustic with your words? Or are you striving to engage in conflict in a way that uses helpful words that build others? We see Paul's fifth command to the members of the church at Ephesus in verse 30:

             Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were

             sealed for the day of redemption.

Now what I found so interesting here is that the word grieved here, in the language that this letter was originally written in means to vex, irritate, offend, or insult. You see, the Holy Spirit is not an impersonal force. Instead the Holy Spirit is a person who you can insult and offend. So Paul here is commanding the members of the church at Ephesus to not insult or offend the Holy Spirit.

Paul then reminds the members of the church at Ephesus that the Holy Spirit sealed them, or identified them, as being followers of Jesus who were Jesus own possession. You see, in a sense, God the Father has put us on lay away. And as a deposit toward the full payment, we have received the Holy Spirit, until the day when God brings us into the fullness of the relationship that we were created for with Him in Heaven. That is what Paul is referring to when he uses the phrase "by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption."

You see, Paul wanted the members of the church at Ephesus to rid themselves of their old nature that was marked by a lifestyle that offended the Holy Spirit. And in the same way today, in our marriages, which are to be a word picture to the world of the love that Jesus has for His followers, we are to rid ourselves of the attitudes and actions that either insult or offend the Holy Spirit.

So here is a question to consider:  Does how you engage in conflict in your marriage insults and offend the Holy Spirit? Does your attitude when it comes to conflict insult and offend the Holy Spirit? Do your words and actions when you are engaged in conflict insult and offend the Holy Spirit?

"How do we handle conflict in marriage?"

At the church where I serve, we just came to the conclusion of a sermon series entitled Love and Marriage. During this series, we spent our time together asking and answering four questions. We launched into this series by asking the question “What is marriage?” and discovered that marriage is a covenant commitment between one man and one woman for one lifetime that is to be marked by vulnerability, transparency, and intimacy.

We talked about the reality that God created the institution of marriage and has a divine design for marriage. And that divine design for marriage is that a man and woman cut the cord, so to speak, from their parents and join together in a covenant commitment that involves one man and one woman for one lifetime and become one flesh. Marriage, according to God’s design, is not simply about love, or sex, or a legal piece of paper. Instead marriage, according to God’s design, is about bringing the distinctiveness of a man and a woman together to complement one another by uniting them together in a covenant commitment for their lifetime.

We then asked the question “Does marriage matter to Jesus?” and discovered that marriage matters to Jesus because what God has united must not be divided. When asked a question about divorce, Jesus reinforced and doubled down on God's desire and design for marriage because, from Jesus perspective, what God has united must not be divided. Then last week, we asked the question "Why does marriage matter so much to Jesus? What is marriage for?” and discovered that the purpose of marriage is to paint a picture for the world of the eternal love and commitment that Jesus has for His followers.  

We talked about the reality that marriage matters to Jesus because marriage is designed to paint a picture for the world of the eternal love and commitment that Jesus has for His followers.  That is why God hates divorce. God doesn’t hate divorce because divorce breaks one of His rules. God hates divorce because divorce mars and misrepresents the eternal covenant relationship that Jesus has with His followers that is supposed to be portrayed to the world through marriage.

You see, God hates divorce because divorce mars the opportunity for people to experience a glimpse of the intimacy that we will experience for all eternity with Jesus in a healthy marriage. And when our marriages are marked by confusion and conflict, we end up portraying a flawed picture of the relationship that we were designed to have with God for all eternity. We ended our time together by recognizing that a natural question that could arise here is  “Well Dave, that sounds great, but how can I have a marriage that looks like that? How am I supposed to deal with the confusion and conflict that I often experience in my marriage?”

So, this week, I would like for us to spend our time together addressing the that very question. And to answer that question, I would like for us to spend our time together looking at another section of a letter that is preserved and recorded for us in the New Testament of the Bible called the book of Ephesians. And it is in this section of this letter that we will discover the timeless answer to the question “How are we to handle conflict in marriage?” So, let’s discover the answer to that question together, beginning in Ephesians 4:25:

Therefore, laying aside falsehood, SPEAK TRUTH EACH ONE of you WITH HIS NEIGHBOR, for we are members of one another.

Paul begins this section of his letter to the members of the church at Ephesus with a command: "Therefore, laying aside falsehood, SPEAK TRUTH EACH ONE of you WITH HIS NEIGHBOR. When Paul uses the phrase laying aside, this phrase literally means to rid oneself of something. And what Paul was commanding the members of the church of Ephesus to rid themselves of was falsehood. Instead of living a life of falsehood, or lies, Paul commanded the members of the church of Ephesus to speak truth each one to his neighbor.

Now when Paul uses the phrase each one with his neighbor, he is specifically referring to fellow followers of Jesus at the church of Ephesus. Paul then provides the reason why they were to live lives of truth telling by explaining that we are members of one body. Paul's point here is that the members of the church at Ephesus were connected in community with one another as a result of being a part of the body of Christ.

And to back this claim, Paul quotes from a section of a letter that is recorded for us in the Old Testament of our Bibles called the book of Zechariah. In Zechariah 8:16, the prophet Zechariah proclaimed that there would be a day when the Jewish people would be rescued and redeemed by God. And as a result of God's promised activity in their lives, the Jewish people were to no longer live their lives with lying and falsehood. Instead, as a redeemed community of people that were living together in community, their lives were to be marked by truth.

And in the same way in our marriages, which are to be a word picture to the world of the love that Jesus has for His followers, we are to lay aside a lifestyle of falsehood in order to live a life that is marked by truth in our marriages. So here is a question to consider: Is your marriage relationship marked by falsehood? Are you experiencing conflict in your marriage as a result of your deception? Lying? Or are you striving to have a marriage relationship that is marked by truthfulness? Paul then provides a second command to the members of the church at Ephesus in verse 26-27:

BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger, ²⁷ and do not give the devil an opportunity.

Now a natural question that arises here is "what does Paul mean when he says be angry and yet do not sin? I mean can you be angry and not sin?" The answer to that second question is yes, you can be angry and not sin. And if you are here this morning and want to push back against that statement, I would simply direct your attention to the life of Jesus. You see, Jesus never sinned, yet He went into the temple and turned over the tables of the moneychangers not once but twice.

You see, far too often as followers of Jesus, we tend to not get angry at things that should make us angry while at the same time get angry at things that should not make us angry. I mean we can blow a head gasket over them messing up our order in a restaurant while not being the least bit upset when multitudes of people suffer through a famine. When Paul commands the members of the church at Ephesus to be angry and yet do not sin, he is commanding them to make sure that they respond in anger to the right things. Paul is commanding the members of the church at Ephesus to respond in anger to the right things and to respond in anger to the right things in the right way.

And to back his point, the Apostle Paul quotes from a section of a letter that is recorded for us in the Old Testament of our Bibles called the book of Psalms. In Psalm 4:4, King David expresses his anger at those who were mistreating him. However, instead of responding in a sinful manner, King David, worships the Lord for the gladness and peace that the Lord had placed in his heart as he responded to his anger without sinning.

And in the same way today, in our marriages, which are to be a word picture to the world of the love that Jesus has for His followers, we are to respond in anger to the right things and respond in anger to the right things in the right way. In addition, Paul commanded the members of the church at Ephesus to do not let the sun go down on your anger. To understand what Paul is communicating here, we first need to understand what he is not communicating. Paul here is not commanding followers of Jesus to have all conflict resolved before the sun sets. Paul is not commanding followers of Jesus to stay awake until a conflict is fully resolved.

This phrase was an idiom in the culture of the first century that was used to encourage people to accomplish things in a timely manner. Since there was not electricity in the first century, there were tasks that needed to be done in a timely manner, before the sun set.  Paul's point to the members of the church at Ephesus was that they were to make sure to deal with their anger in a timely manner. In verse 27, Paul explains that the reason why they were to make sure to deal with their anger in a timely manner was to not give the devil an opportunity.

Now this phrase in the language we use in our culture today, literally means do not give the devil a chance to exert his influence. Have you been there? Have you been in that place where you go to bed angry? And as you are sleeping it's like "I am so mad at him, he is such a jerk". And the devil is like "he is a jerk, you should cheat on him".

Paul is revealing for us the reality that when we do not deal with our anger in a timely manner, we give the devil an opportunity to exert his influence to tempt us to respond to our anger in a way that wrongs God and others. And as followers of Jesus, we are to deal with their anger in a timely manner that does not let anger fester and that does not give the devil and chance to exert his influence as a result of our festering anger. While we may not be able to resolve the conflict fully, we are to deal with the anger that the conflict has produced in us in a timely manner.

So here is a question to consider: In your marriage, do you get angry over the right things? Do you respond in anger to the right things in the right way? Do you respond to anger and conflict in a timely manner?

Tomorrow, we will see Paul provide some additional commands that reveal for us additional principles when it comes to handling conflict in marriage…

The purpose of marriage is to paint a picture for the world of the eternal love and commitment that Jesus has for His followers...

This week we have been asking the question “Why does marriage matter so much to Jesus? What is marriage for?” So far this week, we looked on as the Apostle Paul made a parallel between the relationship between husband and wife and the relationship between Christ and the church to reveal for us the reality that God commands husbands to love their wives the same way that Christ loved the church.

Paul revealed two specific results that Jesus' selfless and sacrificial love had when it came to His relationship with the church. First, Paul stated that Jesus love for His church resulted in those who were once on the outside when it came to having a relationship with God were now being able to be an insider and a part of the family of God as a result of Jesus life, death, and resurrection. Second, Paul stated that Jesus loved the church selflessly and sacrificially so that the church would possess an inherent quality of splendor and purity that is extraordinary. Jesus loves the church so that the church would respond to His selfless and sacrificial love by being devoted and dedicated to Him. And Jesus loves the church with the desire that the church would respond to His love with a life that reflects His character and His conduct; a life that is faultlessly focused on pleasing Him.

Paul then called husbands to strive to provide and to care about the comfort of their wives physical, emotional, relational and spiritual needs.  Paul explained that the reason that husbands are under obligation to provide and to care about the comfort of their wives physical, emotional, relational and spiritual needs is because that is exactly what Christ does for His body the church.

As we have talked about in the past, the church is divinely designed to be the vehicle that God uses to reveal Jesus to the world. Jesus Christ is the head and we are the body or the vehicle that reveals and reflects Jesus to the world. And Jesus provides and cares for the physical, emotional, relational and spiritual needs of His body, the church. 

After revealing the obligation that husbands have when it comes to how they live in relationship with their wives; after explaining the reason behind the obligation, Paul provides a second parallel between a marriage relationship and the relationship that Christ has with the church. So, let’s look at that parallel together, beginning in Ephesians 5:31:

FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH.

Here we see Paul point the readers of his letter to a section of the very first letter in the Bible, called the book of Genesis, which we have looked at throughout this series. Just as we saw Jesus do last week, Paul quotes Genesis 2:24, to reinforce the reality that “For this reason”; in other words, because it is not good for man to be alone in his unique distinctiveness; because it is not good for a woman to be alone in her unique distinctiveness; a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh.

Just like Jesus, Paul’s point here is that marriage is an institution that was created by God by which a man and woman cut the cord, so to speak, from their parents and join together in a covenant commitment that involves one man and one woman for one lifetime and become one flesh, in a relationship that is marked by vulnerability, transparency and intimacy. After quoting from Genesis 2:24, Paul makes a statement that is perhaps one of the most profound statements in the entire Bible.  And it is in this profound statement that we discover the timeless answer to the question “Why does marriage matter so much to Jesus? What is marriage for?”  So, let’s look at that statement together in verse 32:

 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.

Now when Paul uses the word mystery here, this word refers to a timeless truth about God and His Divine Plan that was once hidden, but now has been made known through Christ. This once hidden timeless truth about God, according to Paul, is of utmost importance. He then proclaims exactly what this great mystery that has now been made known is not the relationship between a husband and a wife. Instead the great mystery that was once hidden but has now been made known is this: but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.

The profound point that Paul is making here is that marriage has been divinely designed by God to be a picture on earth of the intimacy that followers of Jesus will have for all eternity with Jesus. Marriage was designed by God to be a word picture to the world of the vulnerability, the transparency, and the intimacy that followers of Jesus will experience for all eternity with Jesus.  

And it is here that we see revealed for us the timeless answer to the question “Why does marriage matter so much to Jesus? What is marriage for?” And that timeless answer is this: The purpose of marriage is to paint a picture for the world of the eternal love and commitment that Jesus has for His followers. The timeless reality is that God has a purpose for marriage; and that purpose is that marriage is supposed to paint a picture for the world of the eternal love and commitment that Jesus has for His followers.  

You see, marriage matters to Jesus because God has a Divine desire and design for marriage in that a man and woman are to cut the cord, so to speak, from their parents and join together in a covenant commitment that involves one man and one woman for one lifetime and become one flesh. And that covenant commitment is supposed to paint a picture for the world of the eternal love and commitment that Jesus has for His followers

That is why God hates divorce. God doesn’t hate divorce because divorce breaks one of His rules. God hates divorce because divorce mars and misrepresents the eternal covenant relationship that Jesus has with His followers that is supposed to be portrayed to the world through marriage. The covenant relationship that Jesus selflessly and sacrificially died for; the same selfless and sacrificial love that Paul commands husbands to love their wives with. 

You see, God hates divorce because divorce mars the opportunity for people to experience a glimpse of the intimacy that we will experience for all eternity with Jesus in a healthy marriage. And when our marriages are marked by confusion and conflict, we end up portraying a flawed picture of the relationship that we were designed to have with God for all eternity.

Now a natural question that could arise here is “Well Dave, that sounds great, but how can I have a marriage that looks like that? How am I supposed to deal with the confusion and conflict that I often experience in my marriage?” If that question is running through your mind, I want to let you know that is a great question to be asking.

And next week, we will spend our time together asking and answering that question...

The results that the selfless love of husbands provides for their wives...

This week we are asking the question “Why does marriage matter so much to Jesus? What is marriage for?”, by looking at a section of a letter that is preserved and recorded for us in the New Testament of the Bible called the book of Ephesians. So far this week, in Ephesians 5:25, we looked on as the Apostle Paul commanded husbands throughout history to selflessly and sacrificially love their wives, just as Jesus selflessly and sacrificially loved humanity all the way to the cross. Paul points husbands throughout history to Jesus as the example to follow.

Paul then revealed two specific results that Jesus' selfless and sacrificial love had when it came to His relationship with the church. First, Paul states that Jesus loved the church selflessly and sacrificially so that He might sanctify her. Paul’s point is that Jesus love for His church resulted in those who were once on the outside when it came to having a relationship with God were now being able to be an insider and a part of the family of God as a result of Jesus life, death, and resurrection.

Second, Paul revealed the reality that Jesus love for the church was so that the church would be made glorious. Jesus loves His church and desires that the church possess an inherent quality of splendor and purity that is extraordinary. Jesus loves the church so that the church would be without spot or stain or blemish. Jesus loves the church so that the church would be without any cracks or flaws. Jesus loves the church so that the church would respond to His selfless and sacrificial love by being devoted and dedicated to Him. And Jesus loves the church with the desire that the church would respond to His love with a life that reflects His character and His conduct; a life that is faultlessly focused on pleasing Him.

After revealing the results that Jesus selfless and sacrificial love had when it came to His relationship with the church, today we will see Paul transition to applying Jesus’ love for the church to the relationship between a husband and a wife in Ephesians 5:28-30:

 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; ²⁹ for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, ³⁰ because we are members of His body.

Now when Paul uses the word ought here, this word literally means to be under an obligation to meet certain expectations. So, Paul here is proclaiming that husbands have an obligation to love their wives as their own bodies. Paul then makes an interesting statement that we sometimes pass by when he states, “that he who loves his own wife loves himself.” But what does that mean?

Paul here is anticipating the potential pushback to his commands by drawing another parallel between a marriage relationship and the relationship that Christ has with the church. We see Paul begin to unpack this parallel in verses 29-30. First, in verse 29, Paul states that, when it comes to men, no one hates his own flesh; instead they nourish it and cherish it.

In the athletic culture of the city of Ephesus, the physical body was of exceptional importance. And just like today, men in the city of Ephesus trained and worked out to compete in games. And just like today, men took care of their bodies when it came to what they ate. They made sure they had the proper nourishment so that they could perform well. In addition, when Paul uses the word cherish here, this word conveys the sense of comfort.

The point that Paul is making here is that just as men intuitively take pains to provide for the care and comfort of our physical bodies, men are to do the same when it comes to how they treat their wives. Paul here is calling husbands to strive to provide and to care about the comfort of their wives physical, emotional, relational and spiritual needs. 

Paul then explains that the reason that husbands are under obligation to provide and to care about the comfort of their wives physical, emotional, relational and spiritual needs is because that is exactly what Christ does for His body the church. As we have talked about in the past, the church is divinely designed to be the vehicle that God uses to reveal Jesus to the world. Jesus Christ is the head and we are the body or the vehicle that reveals and reflects Jesus to the world. And Jesus provides and cares for the physical, emotional, relational and spiritual needs of His body, the church. 

After revealing the obligation that husbands have when it comes to how they live in relationship with their wives; after explaining the reason behind the obligation, Paul provides a second parallel between a marriage relationship and the relationship that Christ has with the church.

Friday we will look at the parallel and discover the timeless answer to the question “Why does marriage matter so much to Jesus? What is marriage for?”…

A parallel that provides the basis for a command regarding marriage...

At the church where I serve, we are in the middle of a sermon series entitled Love and Marriage. During this series, we are going to spend our time together asking and answering four questions.  During this series we are going to ask and answer the questions “What is marriage?” “Does marriage matter to Jesus?” “What is marriage for?” And “How are we to handle conflict in marriage?” And as we go through this series, our hope and our prayer is that God would move by the power of the Holy Spirit to enable us to wrap our heads, hearts, and hands around the answers to these questions in a way that result in us being able to experience the love and marriage that we were designed to experience.

This week, I would like for us to ask and answer the question "Why does Marriage matter so much to Jesus? What is marriage for?" And to answer that question, I would like for us to spend our time together looking at a section of a letter that is preserved and recorded for us in the New Testament of the Bible called the book of Ephesians. And it is in this section of this letter that we will discover the timeless answer to the question “Why does marriage matter so much to Jesus? What is marriage for?” So, let’s discover the answer to that question together, beginning in Ephesians 5:25:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,

As we enter into this section of this letter that Paul wrote to early followers of Jesus who were a part of a church that was located in Ephesus, to fully understand what Paul is going to communicate to us this morning, we first need to understand the context of these verses in the overall flow of the book of Ephesians. In this part of the book of Ephesians, Paul is unpacking how the identity that a follower of Jesus has as a result of their vertical relationship with Jesus should impact the horizontal relationships around them. Here we see Paul begin to address how a husband’s identity as a follower of Jesus should impact their relationship with their wives.

In verse 25, Paul begins this section of this letter by giving a command to husbands: “Husbands love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her”.  Paul makes a parallel between the relationship between husband and wife and the relationship between Christ and the church to reveal for us the reality that God commands husbands to love their wives the same way that Christ loved the church. Paul is reminding husbands throughout history, that they are to selflessly and sacrificially love their wives, just as Jesus selflessly and sacrificially loved humanity all the way to the cross.

Paul points husbands throughout history to Jesus as the example to follow. Jesus left the glory of Heaven, laid aside His position and His prominence and entered into humanity in order to live a life as a homeless man and die the most humiliating and painful death imaginable. Paul is basically saying "Men that is how you are to love your wives. You are to love our wives as Jesus loves His church." Paul then continued by unpacking the results that Jesus love has on His relationship with the church in verses 26-27: 

 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, ²⁷ that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.

Here we see Paul reveal two specific results that Jesus' selfless and sacrificial love had when it came to His relationship with the church. First, Paul states that Jesus loved the church selflessly and sacrificially so that He might sanctify her. Now this word sanctify is a big fancy church mumbo jumbo talk word that literally means to include a person in the inner circle of what is holy. Paul here paints for us an amazing word picture of a person who was once an outsider now being made a part of a family.

Paul’s point is that Jesus love for His church resulted in those who were once on the outside when it came to having a relationship with God were now being able to be an insider and a part of the family of God as a result of Jesus life, death, and resurrection. When Paul uses the phrase, “having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, he is reminding the readers of this letter of what occurs at baptism. The phrase “with the word” refers to one’s confession of faith that occurs during a baptism.

At baptism, one publicly identifies themselves as being a follower of Jesus. And part of that process is sharing one’s testimony of how they became a follower of Jesus. Paul’s point here is that the church reveals and reflects the relationship with God that they were created for and were brought into as a result of Jesus selfless and sacrificial love as people publicly proclaim and identify themselves with the inward transformation that has changed their lives through believing, trusting, and following Jesus.

Second, Paul states that Jesus loved the church selflessly and sacrificially so that “He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.” When Paul uses the word present here, this word literally means to make or render. In other words, Jesus love for the church was so that the church would be made glorious. Jesus loves His church and desires that the church possess an inherent quality of splendor and purity that is extraordinary.

Jesus loves the church so that the church would be without spot or stain or blemish. Jesus loves the church so that the church would be without any cracks or flaws. Jesus loves the church so that the church would respond to His selfless and sacrificial love by being devoted and dedicated to Him. And Jesus loves the church with the desire that the church would respond to His love with a life that reflects His character and His conduct; a life that is faultlessly focused on pleasing Him.

After revealing the results that Jesus selfless and sacrificial love had when it came to His relationship with the church, Paul transitioned to applying Jesus’ love for the church to the relationship between a husband and a wife. Tomorrow we will see how Paul applied his words about Jesus to husbands...

Marriage matters to Jesus because what God has united must not be divided...

This week, we have been asking the question Does marriage matter to Jesus?” by looking at an event from history that has been preserved and recorded for us in an account of Jesus life in the Bible called the gospel of Matthew. In this event from history, Matthew tells us that some Pharisees came to Jesus to test Him with a question that they believed would be controversial enough and emotional enough to drive the crowds away from Jesus and toward them: "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all?"

Jesus, in His answer to the question, reinforced the reality that marriage, according to God’s design, is not simply about love, or sex, or a legal piece of paper. Instead, Jesus was reinforcing God’s design for marriage as being about bringing the distinctiveness of a man and a woman together to complement one another by uniting them together in a covenant commitment for their lifetime.

And because of that reality, Jesus responded to the question by the Pharisees by giving them a command concerning marriage. And that command was that no man was to separate, or divide into two, what God had made into one as a result of the covenant commitment that had been made before God and man.

The Pharisees responded to Jesus answer by asking Jesus a second question: "Why then did Moses command to GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE AND SEND her AWAY?" The Pharisees were basically saying to Jesus “Well if God didn’t want anyone to separate what had been joined together in marriage, then why did God command us to get divorces?  And to back up their point, the Pharisees quoted from a section of a letter that has been preserved and recorded for us in the Old Testament called the book of Deuteronomy.

The Pharisees were basically saying to Jesus, “we have a verse to prove that you are wrong. Jesus you are such a hard liner that you won’t let anyone get divorces, but here God commands that there are situations where divorces are okay. Jesus you are such a legalist, but we are more loving and gracious.” You see, the Pharisees believed that they had trapped Jesus by painting Him as being an unloving legalist while portraying themselves as the people of grace and love.

While the Lord was establishing restrictions on the already existing practice of divorce that was occurring among the Jewish people so that divorce would not become too easy and abused so as to create a legalized form of adultery, the Pharisees and the Jewish people of Jesus day had twisted and manipulated the Lord’s words through Moses in such a way that made it easy for people to get a divorce.

Jesus however, pointed the Pharisees, and the crowds watching this confrontation back to God’s design for marriage by proclaiming “but from the beginning it has not been this way.” In other words, Jesus here is basically saying “God did not command you to get divorces because it was okay. Instead, God permitted you to get divorces because of the unyielding nature of your selfish hearts which resulted in you getting divorces regardless of what God had to say. But make no mistake, God’s design and desire for marriage has not changed since the beginning of time.”

Today, we will see Jesus hammer His point home by making a statement that would have taken the breath of the crowd away. Let’s look at that statement together, in Matthew 19:9:

"And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery."

Now when Jesus uses the word immorality, this word refers to any unlawful sexual activity that goes against God’s design for sexuality, which is sexual activity between one man and one woman for one lifetime in a covenant marriage relationship. And so often, when people look at Jesus words here, the focus is on this little phrase, except for immorality, which is known in church mumbo jumbo talk as the exception clause. This phrase is often pointed to as a reason to justify getting a divorce.

However, this phrase is not the point that Jesus is trying to make here. Jesus point is not when someone is able to get a divorce. Instead, Jesus point, with the context of Deuteronomy 24 in front of everyone listening to His words, is that regardless of whether or not a woman had committed adultery, for a man to divorce her is to portray her as an adulteress who becomes an adulteress if she remarries. In addition, Jesus points out that the man who marries after being divorced, regardless for the reasons for the divorce, commits adultery.

Jesus point is that the issue is not divorce, as God permits divorce. The issue is remarriage. The issue is when can a person who has been divorced get remarried. Jesus point here is that in light of God’s design of marriage as being a covenant commitment between one man and one woman for the entirety of one’s lifetime, anyone who breaks that covenant commitment to enter into another covenant commitment is guilty of adultery.  

This is how we apply what Jesus states about marriage at the church where I serve when it comes to the issue of divorce and remarriage: We believe that the Jesus and the letters that make up the Bible teach that God allows divorce in instances of unfaithfulness/adultery, abandonment and abuse, and that a person could be remarried if they were divorced for those reasons and if reconciliation with their former spouse is impossible, due to either the death or the remarriage of the divorced spouse.

Now your natural reaction might be to object, to push back, to resist what Jesus has just said. And if we were having a conversation at the courtyard coffeehouse, the conversation would sound something like this: “How can you be so sure that Jesus words really mean that? After all Dave, there are many pastors who would disagree with what you just said. So, what makes you think that you are right and that they are wrong? What makes you think that Jesus really feels that way about divorce and remarriage?”

If that question, objection, and pushback is running through your mind, I want to let you know that it is a fair question or objection. And my response to that question, objection, and pushback is this: The reason why I feel confident in my interpretation of this passage is not because I am smarter than anyone else. The reason why I feel confident in my interpretation of this passage is because of how Jesus closest followers responded to His words. We see how Jesus closest followers responded to His words in verse 10:

 The disciples said to Him, "If the relationship of the man with his wife is like this, it is better not to marry."

Now the disciples statement here, if communicated in the language we use in our culture today, would have sounded like this: “If this is the case when it comes to marriage; if this is the case when it comes to when a person is permitted to get a divorce, then it is better not to marry." You see, the disciples, and the crowds listening, clearly understood what Jesus was saying.

The disciples, and the crowds listening, clearly understood that Jesus was not giving them an exception clause so that they could get out of marriage. Instead, the disciples, and the crowds listening, fully understood that Jesus was giving them a command not to separate or divide what had been connected and united by God in marriage. And because of that reality, the disciples believed that it would be better not to marry at all. Now notice how Jesus responds to their statement, which we see in verse 11-12:

 But He said to them, "Not all men can accept this statement, but only those to whom it has been given. ¹² "For there are eunuchs who were born that way from their mother's womb; and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men; and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to accept this, let him accept it."

Now when Jesus says, "Not all men can accept this statement” He is referring to the disciple’s statement that it is better not to marry at all. Jesus then explained that there are some people who do not marry, which He refered to as eunuchs.

Now Jesus statement here, if communicated in the language we use in our culture today, would have sounded something like this: There are some men who do not get married because they are impotent and cannot help produce children, so they decide not to marry at all. There are some men who do not get married because they have been castrated, so they decide not to get married. And there are some men who do not get married because they choose to remain celibate, so they decide not to marry at all. So, if you want to take the position that it is better to not marry in light of God’s desire and design, then don’t get married.”

Notice that Jesus does not waffle or waver here. Notice that Jesus does not say “Oh, I am sorry that this type of commitment is so difficult for you, let me change what I said. Let me have a meeting with God and let’s see if We can work things out so that the terms of marriage would be more acceptable to you.” Instead, Jesus doubles down and does not move or compromise. 

And it is here that we see revealed for us the timeless answer to the question “Does marriage matter to Jesus?” And that timeless answer is this: Marriage matters to Jesus because what God has united must not be divided. Marriage matters to Jesus because God has a Divine desire and design for marriage since the beginning of time. 

Marriage, according to God’s Divine desire and design is that a man and woman cut the cord, so to speak, from their parents and join together in a covenant commitment that involves one man and one woman for one lifetime and become one flesh. Marriage is about bringing the distinctiveness of a man and a woman together to complement one another by uniting them together in a covenant commitment for their lifetime.

And because of that reality marriage matters to Jesus because what God has united must not be divided. Now a natural question that could arise here is “Well Dave why does marriage matter so much to Jesus?” Next week, we will spend our time together asking and answering that question…

Looking for Loopholes...

This week we are asking and answering the question “Does marriage matter to Jesus?” To answer that question, I would like for us to spend our time together looking at an event from history that has been preserved and recorded for us in an account of Jesus life in the Bible called the gospel of Matthew. Yesterday, in Matthew 19:3-6, we saw Matthew give us a front row seat to a confrontation that Jesus had with a group of people who were known as the Pharisees.

This group of self-righteous religious leaders hoped to trap Jesus with a question. So, the Pharisees asked a question that they believed would be controversial enough and emotional enough to drive the crowds away from Jesus and toward them: "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all?" We talked about the reality that the emotional and controversial subject of divorce and remarriage is not new. Divorce and remarriage has been an emotional and controversial subject throughout human history.

Matthew told us that Jesus began to answer their question by quoting from a section of the very first letter in the Bible called the book of Genesis. Jesus quoted from Genesis 1:27, which we looked at last week and which referred to the creation of humanity. After quoting the last phrase of Genesis 1:27, Jesus quoted Genesis 2:24. Jesus here shows the causal linkage between the last phrase of Genesis 1:27 and Genesis 2:24 to reveal the reality that God created men and women with distinctiveness that was to be united in marriage in a way that those distinctive features between a man and a woman would complement one another in a lifelong commitment to one another.

Jesus pointed to this linkage to reinforce the reality that marriage, according to God’s design, is not simply about love, or sex, or a legal piece of paper. Instead, Jesus was reinforcing God’s design for marriage as being about bringing the distinctiveness of a man and a woman together to complement one another by uniting them together in a covenant commitment for their lifetime.

And because of that reality, in verse 6 Jesus proclaimed "So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate." Now what is so interesting here is that the phrase “let no man separate” is a command. In other words, Jesus responded to the question by the Pharisees by giving them a command concerning marriage. And that command was that no man was to separate, or divide into two, what God had made into one as a result of the covenant commitment that had been made before God and man.

So, Jesus not only answered their question by pointing to God’s design for marriage. In addition, Jesus doubled down on God’s design for marriage by commanding that no one should get between a man and woman who have become married. Matthew then reveals how the Pharisees responded to Jesus answer in verse 7:

 They said to Him, "Why then did Moses command to GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE AND SEND her AWAY?"

Matthew tells us that the Pharisees responded to Jesus answer by asking Jesus a second question: "Why then did Moses command to GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE AND SEND her AWAY?" The Pharisees were basically saying to Jesus “Well if God didn’t want anyone to separate what had been joined together in marriage, then why did God command us to get divorces? 

And to back up their point, the Pharisees quoted from a section of a letter that has been preserved and recorded for us in the Old Testament called the book of Deuteronomy. The Pharisees were basically saying to Jesus, “we have a verse to prove that you are wrong. Jesus you are such a hard liner that you won’t let anyone get divorces, but here God commands that there are situations where divorces are okay. Jesus you are such a legalist, but we are more loving and gracious.”

You see, the Pharisees believed that they had trapped Jesus by painting Him as being an unloving legalist while portraying themselves as the people of grace and love. However, what the Pharisees were not prepared for was what Jesus would say next. Matthew reveals what Jesus said next in verse 8:

 He said to them, "Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way.

Now when Jesus uses the word hardness here, this word refers to someone who has an unyielding position or perspective. So, Jesus here responded to the Pharisees by basically saying “God did not command you to get divorces because it was okay. Instead, God permitted you to get divorces because of the unyielding nature of your selfish hearts.” To fully understand why this was such a powerful statement by Jesus, we first need to understand something about what was happening in the culture of Jesus day and the context in which the book of Deuteronomy was written.

In Deuteronomy 24:1-4, we see the Lord, through Moses, address the issue of divorce that had begun to occur amongst the Jewish people. You see, during the time in which the book of Deuteronomy was written, as it was during Jesus day, divorce was purely a male prerogative. During the time in which the book of Deuteronomy was written, as it was during Jesus day, a divorce did not require a legal hearing. Instead, a divorce was simply the husband’s decision. During the time in which the book of Deuteronomy was written, as it was during Jesus day, Jewish law made no provision for a woman to initiate a divorce and a woman had virtually no say in any divorce.

In addition, during the time in which the book of Deuteronomy was written, as it was during Jesus day, women did not have the economic opportunities that they have today and were far more dependent on men for financial support and for survival. Thus, if a woman found herself being divorced, her only options were to return to her parent’s home, become the husband of another man, or live in poverty.

And because of the cultural context during the time in which the book of Deuteronomy was written, as it was during Jesus day; and because of the divorces that were occurring during the time in which the book of Deuteronomy was written, as it was during Jesus day, the Lord addressed the issue of divorce in Deuteronomy 24:1-4. However, the Pharisees only quoted a section of these verses, not all of the verses. So let’s take a minute and look at the entire passage together, beginning in Deuteronomy 24:1-4:

"When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out from his house, ² and she leaves his house and goes and becomes another man's wife, ³ and if the latter husband turns against her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, or if the latter husband dies who took her to be his wife, ⁴ then her former husband who sent her away is not allowed to take her again to be his wife, since she has been defiled; for that is an abomination before the LORD, and you shall not bring sin on the land which the LORD your God gives you as an inheritance.

Here we see the God explain to the Jewish people that since they were already getting divorces, which went against God’s design for marriage, then this was how they were to handle the issue of divorce. The Lord explained that if a man decided to divorce a woman, he was to write out a certificate of divorce to give to her. This certificate of divorce was designed to protect the woman from any additional legal action against her by her former husband. The former husband could not accuse her of committing adultery if she was to be remarried, because he was the one who instituted the divorce.

The Lord then explained that if the woman who was divorced remarried another man, and her second husband either divorced her or died, the first husband could not remarry her. However, did you notice why the Lord said she could not remarry her first husband? The Lord explained that she could not remarry her first husband because she has been defiled. The word defiled was used in the language that this letter was originally written in to describe what happened when adultery occurred.

You see, the Lord viewed the woman’s remarriage after the first divorce as being similar to adultery in that the woman would be engaged in sexual activity with someone other than her first husband. So, if the woman remarried a man and then the second husband either divorced her or died, the first husband could not remarry her because he would be committing adultery with her, as she had entered into a marriage relationship with another man.

Thus, the Lord was establishing restrictions on the already existing practice of divorce that was occurring among the Jewish people so that divorce would not become too easy and abused so as to create a legalized form of adultery. However, the Pharisees and the Jewish people of Jesus day had twisted and manipulated the Lord’s words through Moses in such a way that made it easy for people to get a divorce.

The Pharisees and the Jewish people of Jesus day did what we all have a tendency to do, which is to only quote a part of what the message and teachings of Jesus have to say in order to justify behavior that may go against what the message and teachings of Jesus have to say. Thus, the Pharisees and the Jewish people would only quote the first part of the passage in order to justify getting a divorce for any number of reasons.

Jesus however, pointed the Pharisees, and the crowds watching this confrontation back to God’s design for marriage by proclaiming “but from the beginning it has not been this way.” In other words, Jesus here is basically saying “God did not command you to get divorces because it was okay. Instead, God permitted you to get divorces because of the unyielding nature of your selfish hearts which resulted in you getting divorces regardless of what God had to say. But make no mistake, God’s design and desire for marriage has not changed since the beginning of time.”

Jesus then hammered His point home by making a statement that would have taken the breath of the crowd away. Friday we will look at that statement…