Handling Conflict in Marriage...

This week we are asking and answering the question " How are we to handle conflict in marriage?”  by looking at a section of a letter that is preserved and recorded for us in the New Testament of the Bible called the book of Ephesians. Yesterday, in Ephesians 4:25-27, we saw the Apostle Paul reveal the reality that, in our marriages, which are to be a word picture to the world of the love that Jesus has for His followers, we are to lay aside a lifestyle of falsehood in order to live a life that is marked by truth in our marriages.

In addition, we saw the Apostle Paul reveal the reality that in our marriages, which are to be a word picture to the world of the love that Jesus has for His followers, we are to respond in anger to the right things and respond in anger to the right things in the right way. In addition, we are to deal with their anger in a timely manner that does not let anger fester and that does not give the devil and chance to exert his influence as a result of our festering anger.

While we may not be able to resolve the conflict fully, we are to deal with the anger that the conflict has produced in us in a timely manner. Today, we will see Paul make three more commands to the members of the church at Ephesus that help answer the question "How do we handle conflict in marriage?" We see the first command in Ephesians 5:28:

             He who steals must steal no longer; but rather he must

             labor, performing with his own hands what is good, so

             that he will have something to share with one who has

             need.

Now verse 28, if communicated in the language we use in our culture today, would have sounded something like this: "Those of you who are stealing at work need to stop taking what does not belong to you. Instead, you need exert yourself to work hard to accomplish something of worth that benefits your employer and will provide you the opportunity to be generous to those who are in need". You see, Paul wanted the members of the church at Ephesus to rid themselves of  their old nature that was marked by dishonesty and robbery in the workplace in order to put on our new nature that reflected their identity as being aligned with a lifestyle of honesty and integrity in the workplace.

And in the same way today, just like in our places of employment, in our marriages, which are to be a word picture to the world of the love that Jesus has for His followers, we are to strive to live lives of honesty, integrity and generosity when it comes to how we treat our spouse.

So here is a question to consider: Are you experiencing conflict in your marriage as a result of a lifestyle that is marked by dishonesty at work and at home? Are you stealing stuff from your employer? Are you stealing time from your employer? Or are you living a lifestyle that is marked by integrity and generosity in the workplace and at home? Paul then provides a fourth command to the members of the church at Ephesus in verse 29:

            Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, 

            but only such a word as is good for edification according

            to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to

            those who hear.

When Paul uses the word unwholesome here, this word refers to that which is bad or unwholesome to the extent of being harmful or evil. So Paul here is commanding the members of the church at Ephesus to rid themselves of using words that were harmful and hurtful to others. Instead, Paul commands the members of the church at Ephesus to use words that are good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Now the word edification literally means to build something up.

In other words, Paul is commanding the members of the church at Ephesus to use words that built others up when they were in need of those words. Paul is commanding the members of the church at Ephesus to use words that build others up in a way that benefited and extended favor to others. And in the same way today, in our marriages, which are to be a word picture to the world of the love that Jesus has for His followers, we are to rid ourselves of words that tear one another down and replace those words with words that build one another up. We are to speak words that are useful in building one another up. And we are to speak words that are beneficial to one another.

So here is a question to consider:  When you experience conflict in your marriage, is that conflict marked by harmful and hurtful words that tear others down? Are you sarcastic, even caustic with your words? Or are you striving to engage in conflict in a way that uses helpful words that build others? We see Paul's fifth command to the members of the church at Ephesus in verse 30:

             Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were

             sealed for the day of redemption.

Now what I found so interesting here is that the word grieved here, in the language that this letter was originally written in means to vex, irritate, offend, or insult. You see, the Holy Spirit is not an impersonal force. Instead the Holy Spirit is a person who you can insult and offend. So Paul here is commanding the members of the church at Ephesus to not insult or offend the Holy Spirit.

Paul then reminds the members of the church at Ephesus that the Holy Spirit sealed them, or identified them, as being followers of Jesus who were Jesus own possession. You see, in a sense, God the Father has put us on lay away. And as a deposit toward the full payment, we have received the Holy Spirit, until the day when God brings us into the fullness of the relationship that we were created for with Him in Heaven. That is what Paul is referring to when he uses the phrase "by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption."

You see, Paul wanted the members of the church at Ephesus to rid themselves of their old nature that was marked by a lifestyle that offended the Holy Spirit. And in the same way today, in our marriages, which are to be a word picture to the world of the love that Jesus has for His followers, we are to rid ourselves of the attitudes and actions that either insult or offend the Holy Spirit.

So here is a question to consider:  Does how you engage in conflict in your marriage insults and offend the Holy Spirit? Does your attitude when it comes to conflict insult and offend the Holy Spirit? Do your words and actions when you are engaged in conflict insult and offend the Holy Spirit?