Husbands, we are to love our wives in a way that brings them closer to Christ. We are to love our wives as an insider motivates and inspires them to become extraordinary women. Extraordinary in their spiritual splendor and purity. We are to love our wives in a way that results in pointing them to a deeper devotion to God and the mission that He has given us and provokes in them a desire to reveal and reflect Christ in their character and conduct.
Paul then continues by applying Christ’s love for the church even more clearly to the relationship between a husband and a wife in Ephesians 5:28-30:
So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body.Now when Paul uses the word ought here, this word literally means to be under an obligation to meet certain expectations. And husbands, this is the obligation that we are supposed to meet: Husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. Paul then makes an interesting statement that we sometimes pass by when he states that he who loves his own wife loves himself. But what does that mean? Paul here is anticipating the potential pushback these commands by drawing another parallel between a marriage relationship and the relationship that Christ has with His bride, the church. We see Paul begin to unpack this parallel in verses 29-30.
First Paul states that, when it comes to men, no one hates his own flesh; instead they nourish it and cherish it. In the athletic culture of the city of Ephesus, the physical body was of exceptional importance. And just like today, men in the city of Ephesus trained and worked out to compete in games. And just like today, men took care of their bodies when it came to what they ate. They made sure they had the proper nourishment so that they could perform well. When Paul uses the word cherish here, this word conveys the sense of comfort. The point that the apostle is making here is that just as men intuitively take pains to provide for the care and comfort of our physical bodies, we are to do the same when it comes to how we treat our wives. Men, we are to strive to provide and we are to care about the comfort of our wives physical, emotional, relational and spiritual needs.
The reason we are to do that is because that is exactly what Christ does for His body the church. As we have talked about previously, the church is divinely designed to be the vehicle that God uses to reveal Jesus to the world. Jesus Christ is the head and we are the body or the vehicle that reveals and reflects Jesus to the world. And Jesus provides and cares for the physical, emotional, relational and spiritual needs of His body, the church. And for husbands, the timeless reality that Paul reveals for us is that our willingness to embrace our leadership responsibilities reflects our willingness to follow Jesus example.
Now, men, just like the ladies last week, you may be pushing back by thinking “but Dave you don’t know my wife. Paul would not have written that if he knew my wife”. My response would be yes he would have. Because this has absolutely nothing to do with your wife. And this has everything to do with you. You see, Jesus never asks us to do something He has not already done men. Jesus died on the cross for your selfish rebellion and sin. And He was fully aware of your rebellion when He selflessly and sacrificially loved you to the cross. And He expects you to reflect that selfless and sacrificial love to your wife.
Now ladies, you may be wondering “why doesn’t my husband love me like that”? Ladies, the reason that your husband may not love you like that is the same reason why you push back against the idea of willingly placing yourselves under your husband’s leadership in the same manner that you are to place yourself under the leadership of Jesus. As we talked about last week, God divinely designed a marriage relationship with specific roles and responsibilities. And just like our first parents, Adam and Eve, while men and women have equal value and worth in God’s creation, men and women have different roles and responsibilities to fulfill; men are to exercise a role of leadership and authority as first among equals by lovingly leading, providing, and protecting women in ways that are appropriate to their relationship. Women are to fulfill their role in relationships by lovingly coming under and following godly male leadership in a way that allows for growth in their relationship with Christ and to exercise the gifts that God has given them.
However, as we looked at last week, instead of fulfilling his responsibility to lovingly, lead, protect, and provide for his wife, Adam cowardly chose to allow Eve to lead their relationship. You see, God gave His command to Adam, who was expected to lead the couple in following the command. The result was disobeying God’s command and sin entered the world and corrupted God’s design and creation. And as a result, there are specific consequences of our first parent’s sin that lead men and women to push back against their role in marriage relationships.
As a result of our first parent’s sin, all women throughout history have a natural bent and desire to rebel against and usurp God’s design for marriage relationships by attempting to exercise leadership and domination over men. And as a result of our first parent’s sin, men tend to abdicate their leadership responsibilities and instead function in one of two extremes. Apart from Jesus work on the cross and the Holy Spirit’s activity in our lives, men have a natural bent to act as either a coward or a chauvinist when it comes to their relationship with women.
Mark Driscoll has done an outstanding job of summarizing the eight most prevalent ways men act as cowards or and chauvinists in their marriage relationships. First, let’s look at the selfish rebellion by men that leads to chauvinism. You may have met some of these men. First, there is no Sissy Stuff Sam. For No Sissy Stuff Sam, being a man means not being like a woman. No Sissy Stuff Sam’s driving life philosophy is whatever women do men are to do the exact opposite. These are the guys who are in a social environment who have contests as to who can belch the loudest, drink the most beer, be the most obnoxious, kill the most people on Halo or world of warcraft, be the toughest, coarsest, baddest dudes in town.
Then there is Success and Status Stewart. For Success and Status Stewart, being a man is all about material success. Success and Status Stewart is driven by how many toys are in the garage, how large his house is, how much money is in the bank account. Masculinity is defined by material possessions. Unfortunately Success and Status Stewart in never around to enjoy his toys or invest in his family because he is too busy striving for position and possessions. He is unable to lead and protect his family because he is never around.
Then there is Giv’em Hell Hank. This is guy that you see yelling and berating his wife and kids. Give’em Hell Hank is angry and abusive, spending his time inflating his ego by bullying and degrading his wife and kids. Now Give’em Hell Hank would never talk to another guy the way he talks to his wife, because he would probably get a beat down. Guys, is this you? Is this how you treat your wife and children? Because if it is I have a secret for you. You may not know this, but other men don’t respect you; other men think you are a joke. Berating and abusing your wife does not get you any street cred; and it does not get you any respect; it just shows that you are a male chauvinist pig that lives a life that is exactly the opposite of how Jesus treats His bride the church.
Then there is Giv’em Hell Hank’s cousin; I’m the Boss Bob. I’m the Boss Bob is driven to be in charge of something because if you are not in charge of something you are not a man. I’m the Boss Bob is domineering and controlling. This is the guy that will walk into a church or an organization and just say “I want to be in charge of something”. And here’s the thing about him; He loves to be in authority, but hates to be under authority. He is a prideful, positional and power hungry person.
In addition, there the different, yet just as bad, selfish and sinful stereotypes of cowardice. First, there is Little Boy Larry. And unfortunately, many in the church have unintentionally produced and rewarded Little Boy Larry. Little Boy Larry is the 35 year old guy who still lives with his mother in her basement and plays X-Box all night. He’s disorganized, has no job and no real desire to get a job; instead he is looking to find a woman who will work so that he can be a stay at home dad. And so often, the church will look at Little Boy Larry and say “Well Larry is so nice, he’s such a nice little boy”. Exactly. He is still a boy at 35 who refuses to take any responsibility for his life.
Then there is Sturdy Oak Owen. Now Sturdy Oak Owen is a guy who is absolutely dependable but emotionally absent. This is the husband who comes home from work every evening, eats dinner, and then goes to the reclining chair and reads the paper for the rest of the evening and does not engage or invest in his wife or family. He does not lead the family or address concerns within the family, but abdicates that responsibility to his wife because he works hard all day. Instead of leading and investing, he cowardly hides behind his “dependability”.
The other extreme is Hyper-Spiritual Henry. Hyper Spiritual Henry is the guy that always is walking around with his Bible using it as a sledge hammer. Hyper Spiritual Henry’s wife and children are always worried in public when they are around him because he will take every opportunity to take every conversation into a doctrinal debate. The problem with Hyper Spiritual Henry is that he talks at you but not to you. He spends his time cowardly hiding behind religious behavior and God talk, which He may or may not follow. He lets his wife and children know all he knows about God, but they feel that he may not know God or them.
Finally, there is Good Time Gary. Good time Gary is the guy that women like to date but hate to marry. Good time Gary is the life of the party; he makes things exciting and interesting. But for Good time Gary life just is a party. Gary is the guy whose irresponsibility pervades every part of his life. And after a while, Gary’s cowardly avoidance of responsibility through joking and partying and goofing his way through life gets just plain old.
So men, have I just described you? Or have I just described a selfish and sinful tendency that occasionally appears in your marriage relationship? You see, all men throughout history have a tendency to be either cowards or chauvinists. That is why, as we talked about at the very beginning of this series, for us to experience relationships as God designed them to be experienced requires that we be influenced by God’s Spirit. God has designed specific roles within relationships and God has designed specific goals that those relationships are to accomplish. And for us to accomplish those goals, we need to live a life that is influenced and controlled by God’s spirit.
Now whether you are married or single; whether you are a man or a woman; and you may be wondering “why does God’s design for marriage even matter? What is the big deal? I mean, why is it so important that husbands love their wives as Christ loved the church? Why is it so important that wives willingly place themselves under their husband’s leadership? Sure maybe my marriage does not function like the Bible teaches, but things are o.k.”
If those are some of the thoughts that are running through your mind, I just want to let you know that those are fair questions to be asking. And tomorrow, we will see Paul answer these questions by pointing to a second parallel that is revealed by God’s design and purpose for marriage.
So, do you willingly embrace your leadership responsibilities in a way that follow Jesus example? Or do you find yourself acting like a coward or a chauvinist?
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