Lasting relationships are the result of becoming the right person, not finding the right person...

This week we are addressing and attacking perhaps the most prominent and powerful myth about relationships. This myth is celebrated by our culture and spread by Hollywood. The myth that I would like to address and attack is the right person myth. Yesterday we discovered that, as far as our culture is concerned, the secret to finding a lasting relationship is to find the right person. In other words, if you would just find the right person everything else would fall into place.

According to the right person myth, the first step to love and lasting relationships according to the right person myth is that you have to find the right person. Then, according to the right person myth, once you find the right person, the second step is to fall in love. Then, according to the right person myth, after you find the right person, after you fall in love, the third step is to fix your hopes and dreams on that person for fulfillment.

However, what happens if the person you are with does not meet all your needs and fulfill all the deep desires of your life? Well, according to the right person myth, then you have not found the right person. So, if the relationship does not work out, then you simply go back to step one and begin to search again for the right person.

Unfortunately, the right person myth is just that, a myth. And the reason why the right person myth is a myth is in the results. Here are some statistics that bear out the utter failure of the right person myth: According to the most current statistics, approximately 46% of marriages end in divorce. In addition, the group entitled “divorced” is the fastest growing segment of the population in the U.S.  Finally, 1/3 of divorced women live below the poverty line.  

Now a natural question that comes to mind is “well Dave, if the right person myth is a myth, then how am I supposed to go about dating so that I can experience a lasting relationship? If the right person myth is wrong, then what is right? Is there an alternative?” If those questions are going through your mind, I have some good news for you.

And that good news is that in a section of a letter that is recorded for us in the Bible called the book of Ephesians, we see a man named Paul provide for us an alternative to the right person myth. So, let’s look at that alternative together, beginning in Ephesians 5:1-2:

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.

Here we see the Apostle Paul command the members of the church of Ephesus, and followers of Jesus throughout history, to do two things. First, Paul commands followers of Jesus to be imitators of God. In other words, as followers of Jesus we are to reveal and reflect Christ in our character and conduct. Paul then provides a second command that unpacks specifically how followers of Jesus are to reveal and reflect Christ: and walk in love.

Now when Paul uses the word walk here, this word, in the language that this letter was originally written in, literally means to live out or conduct one’s life. In other words, Paul here is commanding followers of Jesus to live lives that are characterized by a selfless and sacrificial love that places others before ourselves. Just as Jesus placed fallen and broken humanity before Himself and allowed Himself to be treated as though He lived our selfish and sinful lives, so that God the Father could treat us as though we lived Jesus perfect life, as followers of Jesus we are to live lives that are characterized by a selfless and other centered love.

And it is in Paul’s commands that we discover the alternative to the right person myth when it comes to lasting relationships. First, we see that instead of focusing on trying to find the right person, the letters that make up the Bible calls us to focus on becoming the right person. As followers of Jesus, we are to focus on becoming like Jesus in our character and in how we live out our relationships with God and with others.

Second, as we are focusing on trying to become the right person, instead of trying to fall in love, we are to walk in love. You see, unlike our culture, which views and talks about love as though it were a noun, the letters that make up the Bible talks about love as a verb. Here is a clear and simple definition of love that the Apostle Paul is talking about here: Love is giving someone what they need most when they deserve it the least. Biblical, selfless, sacrificial, other centered love actively gives someone what they need the most when they deserve it the least.

Third, we see that instead of fixing your hopes and dreams on the right person for fulfillment, we are to fix our hope and dreams on Christ for fulfillment. You see, if I were to fix all of my hopes and dreams on my wife Julie to meet all of my needs; if Julie was to fix all her hopes and dreams on me to meet all of her needs, we have set one another up for failure. We have set one another up for failure because both Julie and I are flawed, broken people who will fall short.

There is only one person who can meet your deepest needs and bring fulfillment to your life, and that person is Jesus. To place any other person in a position where they must meet all of your needs is to make them an idol and is to set them up for failure. But what happens if you follow these steps and the relationship does not work out? What if you are focused on becoming the right person, walking in love, and are fixing our hope in Jesus to meet our needs and the relationship does not last?

Well, according to the message and teachings of Jesus, then you have not become the right person. Instead of thinking the right person was really the wrong person, the key question becomes “Am I the right person?” Instead of pointing the finger at someone else, the Bible calls us to point the thumb at the person in the mirror. So, if the relationship does not work out, then you simply go back to step one and begin to the process to become the right person.

And it is here that we see revealed for us a timeless truth when it comes to love and lasting relationships. And that timeless truth is this: Lasting relationships are the result of becoming the right person, not finding the right person. Unlike the right person myth that is celebrated by our culture and spread by Hollywood, the letters that make up the Bible reveal for us the reality that lasting relationships are the result of becoming the right person.

Lasting relationships are not the result of people falling in love. Instead, lasting relationships are the result of people who walking in love by giving those who they are in relationship with what they need most when they deserve it the least.  Andy Stanley conveys this timeless truth this way: “You need to become the person that the person you are looking for is looking for”.

Now you might be thinking to yourself “well Dave, how do I know when I am becoming the right person? How do I know when I am walking in love? How do I know that I am giving someone what they need most when they deserve it the least?”

If those questions are running through your mind, I have some more good news for you. In another letter that is recorded for us in the New Testament of our Bibles called the book of 1 Corinthians, we see the Apostle Paul unpack what walking in love practically looks like in our day to day lives.

Friday, we will look at this section of this letter together...