Embracing our identity as a follower of Jesus as a parent...

This week we are looking at a section of a letter that is recorded for us in the New Testament of the Bible called the book of Ephesians. Yesterday, we looked on as the Apostle Paul revealed for us a timeless truth when it comes to how a child's unique identity as a follower of Jesus impacts their role and responsibility within a family relationship in that embracing our identity as a follower of Jesus as a child by following the leadership of your parents will influence how you will follow leadership in the future.

We talked about the reality that no matter how old you become, no matter how smart or strong you become, no matter how much money you make, there will always be someone who is in leadership and authority over you. There is always someone in our lives that we are responsible to report to and answer to when it comes to our attitude and actions. And a child's willingness to embrace their identity as a follower of Jesus as a child by placing themselves under the leadership of their parents will influence and impact their willingness to place themselves under the leadership and authority of teachers, employers, and other authority figures in the future.

Today, we will see Paul, as he concludes this section of his letter, turn his attention to the roles and responsibilities that parents have when it comes to their relationship with their children in Ephesians 6:4:

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Now when Paul uses the word fathers, he is not excluding mothers from what he is to say next. As we talked about earlier in this series, fathers are the first among equals in the marriage relationship and are expected to lead and model proper family relationships as an example to be followed by mothers. Paul then commands parents to not provoke their children to anger.

If Paul was writing this letter to us today in the language that we use in our culture, this command probably would sound something like this: Do not place your children in a position where they cannot win. Do not put your children in a no win situation. Parents, we all have the temptation to do this, don’t we? As parents we have all the power and we can pull almost all the strings. We have the strings to the checkbook; the car; the TV; to technology; to privileges; and to the freedom that children desire. We have a great deal of control over our children; we are bigger, stronger, and control all the levers.

And because we have all the power and control it is very easy to abuse our power and control in a way that our children feel like they are in a no win situation. And as children feel like they are in a no win situation, there is nothing that they can do to be right. And just like us adults, when children feel that they are in a no-win situation where nothing they do is right, they will lash out in a way that creates conflict, stress and strain in our family relationships.

But parents, here’s the thing; parenting, by very definition is the God-ordained loss of control. I mean, do we not want our children to grow up so that they would be able to navigate and function in society as a healthy functioning member of society. That is the point and goal of parenting, isn’t it?

And as our children get older we gradually begin to lose the power and control over our children that we once had. When our children are infants and small children, we have almost total control of their lives; we control what and when they eat and sleep. We control what they wear and watch. However, as children grow and mature physically, emotionally and spiritually, we gradually begin to lose control, don’t we? Children begin to have their own thoughts and desires. Children begin to question decisions with perspectives that show increasing maturity.

And as we sense that we are beginning to lose the control that we once had, parents are faced with a decision: do I attempt to parent and lead my children by means of control or by means of influence. And our tendency and temptation is to attempt to keep and maintain the same level of control that we have always had. But as we attempt to cling to that control, we begin to experience conflict with our children that strain our relationships. And it is those very conflicts that result in us as parents losing the very influence to speak into the lives of our children at the very time that they need our influence the most.

Instead of provoking our children to anger; instead of putting our children in no win situations, Paul commands parents to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. What is so interesting here is that the phrase “bring them up” is the same phrase that we looked at last week in Ephesians 5:29 that described how husbands were to provide for the care and the comfort of their wives. And in a similar way, parents are to create a family environment where children are able to grow and mature into all that God has created and called them to be.

Paul then explains that how parents are to create a family environment that promotes the growth and good of children is through the discipline and instruction of the Lord. The word discipline, in the language that this letter was originally written in, refers to the act of providing guidance for responsible living. By contrast, when Paul uses the word instruction here, he is referring to a parents need to counsel their children about avoiding or stopping behavior that is improper or inappropriate.

In other words, parents are to guide and influence our children so that they would live in the relationship with God and in relationship with others that God designed them to live. Parents have been given the role and responsibility to guide and influence their children in a manner that they would live a life in the relationship with God and one another that they were created for. In addition, parents have been given the role and responsibility to guide and influence their children to avoid the landmines that selfishness, sin, and the devil place in their path.

And it is here that we see the Apostle Paul reveal for us a timeless truth when it comes to how a parent's unique identity as a follower of Jesus impacts their role and responsibility within a family relationship. And that timeless truth is this: Embracing our identity as a follower of Jesus as a parent will impact our ability to influence our children. As parents, our ability to influence our children is based on the depth of our relationship with our children. And this is why the issue of control and influence is so, so, so important when it comes to our role and responsibility as parents.

You see parents, here is the thing; we will be unable to be able to guide and influence our children as they grow and mature if we choose to cling to the concept of parenting by control. Now the reason why parenting by control results in a loss of influence is twofold. First, while parenting by control can produce external obedience, it does not result in heart transformation. While parenting by control addresses the “what” of a child’s behavior, it fails to address the “why” of a child’s behavior. And it is the “why” of a child’s behavior that reveals the heart attitudes and motivations.

Second, as your child grows, you no longer are able to exercise control because you are bigger and smarter. And because of that reality, we can find ourselves attempting to exercise control through manipulation, which children see right through and resent. And soon, children find themselves in the place of being in a no win situation that produces, conflict stress, and strife. And the result is a gradual destruction of the depth and quality of our relationship with our children.

At some point, as parents, we need to recognize that our children have come to place in their lives in terms of their physical, emotional, and spiritual maturity that requires a shift from parenting by control to parenting by influence. What makes this so difficult, however, is that no two children are the same. Children mature at different rates, so the decision as to when to shift from control to influence will be different for each and every child.

And parents just as God will not hold you responsible or accountable for how your children respond to the role and responsibility of leadership that you have been given, God will hold you 100% accountable for how you lead and influence your children. And our decision when it comes to choosing to parent by control or influence will impact the amount of influence we have with our children.

When we choose to parent strictly by control, we can find ourselves in a place where we gradually begin to erode the relationship we have with our children. A place where we so erode the relationship that we have with our children that we end up losing our ability to guide and lead our children at the very time in their lives when they need our guidance and influence the most. You see, the time in our children’s lives where they will be making the biggest decisions in their lives; decisions about colleges; decisions about careers; decisions about marriage and family; these are the times where we have the least control.

And these are the very times when we need to have the most influence in their lives. Yet when we fail to move from parenting by control to parenting by influence as our children grow we can so erode our relationship with our children that we end up having the least amount of influence when our children need it the most. And embracing our identity as a follower of Jesus as a parent will impact our ability to influence our children. Because as parents, our ability to influence our children is based on the depth of our relationship with our children.

So here are some questions to consider: students, children, how are you doing when it comes to willingly place yourselves under the leadership and authority of your parents?  Because children, embracing our identity as a follower of Jesus as a child by following the leadership of your parents will influence how you will follow leadership in the future. How you respond to your parents leadership and authority will influence and impact how you will respond to the leadership and authority of teachers, employers, and other authority figures in the future.

And parents, how well are you dealing with the tension that comes from parenting by control or influence? Are you provoking your children to anger? Are you placing your children in no win situations that result in conflict that is gradually eroding your relationship with them? Because embracing our identity as a follower of Jesus as a parent will impact our ability to influence our children. As parents, our ability to influence our children is based on the depth of our relationship with our children.