Playing favorites as a parent produces angry, envious, and deceptive children...

This week we have been looking at a story of jealousy in a very dysfunctional family that is found in the very first letter in the Bible, called the book of Genesis. Wednesday, we looked on as Joseph’s the brothers fuming anger over their father’s favoritism toward their bratty little brother overflowed into a conversation that gave birth to a plan.

While the brothers plotted how to put an end to Joseph’s life, Moses tells us that the brothers agreed with Rueben’s plan and stripped Joseph of the robe that signified his favorite status with his father and cast him into the empty well. Rueben then left his brothers to take care of some business, confident that his plan had saved Joseph and would get brownie points with his dad. However, like so many plans, this plan was by no means foolproof, as we see in verse 25:

 Then they sat down to eat a meal. And as they raised their eyes and looked, behold, a caravan of Ishmaelites was coming from Gilead, with their camels bearing aromatic gum and balm and myrrh, on their way to bring them down to Egypt. Judah said to his brothers, "What profit is it for us to kill our brother and cover up his blood? "Come and let us sell him to the Ishmaelites and not lay our hands on him, for he is our brother, our own flesh." And his brothers listened to him. Then some Midianite traders passed by, so they pulled him up and lifted Joseph out of the pit, and sold him to the Ishmaelites for twenty shekels of silver. Thus they brought Joseph into Egypt.

Moses tells us that after throwing Joseph into the dry well, Joseph’s brothers sat down to have lunch. As they were eating, a caravan of traders from the land of Midian that were associated with the descendants of Ishmael, who was the son of Abraham and Sarah’s impatient plans apart from God’s promise, appeared in the distance. As the caravan approached, Judah came up with a plan of his own.

Judah’s plan, if communicated today, would have sounded something like this: “Hey guys what do we gain if we just kill Joseph and conceal his death. I have an idea; instead of killing Joseph, let’s sell him. We could split the profit if we sold him and we would not be held responsible for killing him. So guys what do you think? Should we kill him or should we sell him?”

After listening to Judah, the rest of the brothers agreed that they should sell Joseph. And that’s what they did. The brothers lifted Joseph out of the empty well and sold him for 20 shekels of silver, which was the going rate for slaves.

Now here is a question to consider: how much would you have to hate your brother to sell him as a slave? How jealous would you have to be of your brother to sell him as a slave? How much hatred and jealousy would you have to have to ignore the pleas and screams of your little brother as you sold him?

And imagine yourself as Joseph. Place yourself in his shoes. Was it your fault that you were daddy’s favorite? Was it your fault that you did the right thing by letting your dad know that they were doing something wrong? What would you be thinking? How would you be feeling? We see what happens next in verse 29:

 Now Reuben returned to the pit, and behold, Joseph was not in the pit; so he tore his garments. He returned to his brothers and said, "The boy is not there; as for me, where am I to go?" So they took Joseph's tunic, and slaughtered a male goat and dipped the tunic in the blood; and they sent the varicolored tunic and brought it to their father and said, "We found this; please examine it to see whether it is your son's tunic or not." Then he examined it and said, "It is my son's tunic. A wild beast has devoured him; Joseph has surely been torn to pieces!" So Jacob tore his clothes, and put sackcloth on his loins and mourned for his son many days. Then all his sons and all his daughters arose to comfort him, but he refused to be comforted. And he said, "Surely I will go down to Sheol in mourning for my son." So his father wept for him. Meanwhile, the Midianites sold him in Egypt to Potiphar, Pharaoh's officer, the captain of the bodyguard.

Moses tells us that Rueben returned from taking care of some business to discover that Joseph was gone. Rueben, recognizing that his plan had come undone, responded by tearing his clothes as a sign of mourning. You see, Rueben mourned because as the firstborn he felt responsible for Joseph. With Joseph sold as a slave and gone, the brothers were left with their original plan, which was to say that Joseph had been killed and eaten by a wild animal.

The brothers put their plan into action by killing an animal from the flock and used the blood on Joseph’s coat to give the appearance that he was the victim of an attack by a wild animal. The brothers then shadily brought the coat to Jacob asking “do you recognize this coat?” Notice how shady this is. Instead of overtly lying to Jacob by telling the story that Joseph had been killed by a wild animal, the brothers deceived Jacob by simply bringing the coat to him so that he would come to that conclusion.

Moses tells us that upon seeing the blood covered coat, Jacob came to the conclusion that his favorite son was dead. And in his grief, Jacob tore his clothes and put on sackcloth, which in the culture of the day was what one wore to demonstrate their grief and pain. When Jacob states “surely I will go down to Sheol in mourning for my son” he is saying “I will mourn my son’s death for the rest of my life”. Jacob was inconsolable.

Now, what type of attitude would you have to have toward your dad to allow him to be in such grief? How much disdain would you have to have for your father to watch him endure such pain? Moses concludes by explaining that as Jacob grieved for the son that he believed had been killed by a wild animal, Joseph was sold into slavery in the nation of Egypt to a man named Potiphar, who was a high ranking official under Pharaoh, the ruler of Egypt. 

And it is here that we see God reveal for us a powerful and timeless truth for parents throughout history. And that timeless truth is this: Playing favorites as a parent produces angry, envious, and deceptive children. Just as it was for Jacob and his sons; just as it has been for humanity throughout history, playing favorites as a parent produces angry, envious, and deceptive children.

When we play favorites as a parent, we produce anger in our children. We produce anger in our children toward us for treating them as though they are second rate. We produce anger in our children toward their brothers and sisters who are treated as though they are first rate.

When we play favorites as a parent, we produce envy in our children. We produce envy in our children who want what their brothers and sisters have and do not want their brothers and sisters to have what they do have.  And when we play favorites as a parent, we produce deceptive children. We produce deceptive children who will be tempted to do whatever is necessary, out of anger and envy, to become their parent’s favorite and be treated as though they are first rate.

So here is a question to consider: Are you playing favorites with your children? What would your children say? What would your friends say? What would those in your community group say?