Conflict in marriage is not something to go through: Conflict in marriage is something to grow through in order to build trust with one another as we become more like Jesus...

This week we have been looking at answering the question “How are we to handle conflict in marriage?”  by looking at a section of a letter that is recorded for us in the New Testament of the Bible called the book of Ephesians. So far this week, we have seen the Apostle Paul reveal the reality that in our marriages, which are to be a word picture to the world of the love that Jesus has for His followers, we are to lay aside a lifestyle of falsehood in order to live a life that is marked by truth in our marriages.

We have seen the Apostle Paul reveal the reality that in our marriages, which are to be a word picture to the world of the love that Jesus has for His followers, we are to respond in anger to the right things and respond in anger to the right things in the right way. We have seen Paul reveal for us the reality that, while we may not be able to resolve the conflict fully, we are to deal with the anger that the conflict has produced in us in a timely manner.

We have seen the Apostle Paul reveal the reality that in our marriages, which are to be a word picture to the world of the love that Jesus has for His followers, we are to strive to live lives of honesty, integrity and generosity when it comes to how we treat our spouse. We have seen the Apostle Paul reveal the reality that in our marriages, which are to be a word picture to the world of the love that Jesus has for His followers, we are to rid ourselves of words that tear one another down and replace those words with words that build one another up. We are to speak words that are useful in building one another up. And we are to speak words that are beneficial to one another.

We have seen the Apostle Paul reveal the reality that in our marriages, which are to be a word picture to the world of the love that Jesus has for His followers, we are to rid ourselves of the attitudes and actions that either insult or offend the Holy Spirit. Today, we will see Paul reveal for us two additional commands along with the timeless answer to the question “How do we handle conflict in marriage?” Paul provides a sixth command in Ephesians 5:31:

             Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and

             slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

Here we see the Apostle Paul command the members of the church at Ephesus to rid themselves of six different attitudes and actions that demonstrate hostility against others. First, Paul commanded the members of the church to rid themselves of bitterness, which is a state of animosity towards others. Paul then commanded the members of the church to rid themselves of wrath, which is a state of intense displeasure or rage against others. Third, Paul commanded the members of the church to rid themselves of anger against others.

Paul then commanded the members of the church to rid themselves of clamor. Now the word clamor refers to a loud cry or shout. In other words, Paul is commanding the members of the church to stop shouting at one another. Fifth, Paul commanded the members of the church to rid themselves of slander, which is abusive speech that denigrates and defames others. And sixth, Paul commanded the members of the church to rid themselves of malice, which is a mean spirited or vicious attitude or disposition against others.

You see, Paul wanted the members of the church at Ephesus to rid themselves of their old nature that was marked by a lifestyle of hostility against others. And in the same way today, in our marriages, which are to be a word picture to the world of the love that Jesus has for His followers, we are to rid ourselves of hostility, animosity, rage, anger, and shouting at others, along with abusive speech that defames, and a mean-spirited attitude toward our spouses.

So here is a question to consider:  Is the conflict that you experience in marriage marked by an attitude of hostility and animosity against others? Do your words and actions often match what the Apostle Paul is talking about here? We see Paul's seventh command to the members of the church at Ephesus in verse 32:

             Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each

             other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Now when Paul commands the members of the church at Ephesus to forgive each other, this word in the language that this letter was originally written in, literally means to show oneself gracious by forgiving wrongdoing. So Paul’s command here, if communicated in the language we use in our culture today, would have sounded something like this: Be kind to one another with a soft heart towards others, and make sure that you are willing to extend grace and forgive the wrongdoing that others have done to you”.

Now a natural objection that often arises when it comes to the issue of forgiveness in marital conflict usually sounds something like this: “Well Dave you do not know my story. You do not know what has been done to me by my spouse. You do not understand how I have been wronged by my spouse. So how can you expect me to forgive my spouse in light of all the wrong that has been done to me”. If those objections are running through your mind, I just want to let you know that you are not the only person what have had that objection.

We see the Apostle Paul’s response to that potential objection revealed with the reason why we are to extend grace and forgive the wrongdoing that others have done to you: just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Paul basically says to the members of the church at Ephesus “So you do not want to forgive others for the wrongdoing that they have done to you. So you want God to forgive you but you are not willing to forgive others? Are you perfect? Well, do you want God to take that same approach when it comes to the wrongdoing that you have done to Him and others?”

Here we see Paul reveal for us the reality that forgiven people forgive. You see, forgiveness is giving up your right to be right and trusting in the just God of justice to deal with the injustice that occurred against you. And just as God has forgiven you for your selfishness and rebellion against Him, we are to forgive others for the wrong that is done to us. And in the same way today, in our marriages, which are to be a word picture to the world of the love that Jesus has for His followers, we are to demonstrate a kind and soft heart toward our spouse that extends the grace and forgiveness that we have received from Jesus to them.

So here is a question to consider:  When you experience conflict in your marriage, is your response to demonstrate unkind, hardhearted and unforgiving attitude toward your spouse? Or are you responding to conflict in your marriage by demonstrating a kind, softhearted, and forgiving attitude toward others? Because, the timeless reality is that forgiven people forgive.

And it is in this section of this letter that we see the Apostle Paul reveal for answer to the question “How are we to handle conflict in marriage?” And that timeless answer is this: Conflict in marriage is not something to go through: Conflict in marriage is something to grow through in order to build trust with one another as we become more like Jesus.  

You see, whether you buy the whole Jesus, Bible, church thing or not, conflict is not something to simply go through. Instead, conflict is something that God uses to grows us into the image of His Son Jesus as we go through that conflict. And the timeless reality is that conflict is the crucible by which we build trust in our relationships with others.

And nowhere is that reality more evident than in a marriage relationship. You see, we build trust in marriage when we engage in conflict in a way that is marked by truth. We build trust in marriage when we engage in conflict in a way that is marked by the right response to anger. We build trust in marriage when we engage in conflict in a way that is marked by integrity and generosity when how it comes to how we live our lives in the workplace and at home. We build trust in marriage when we engage in conflict in a way that is marked by helpful words and a helpful attitude towards our spouse. We build trust in marriage when we engage in conflict in a way that is marked a lifestyle that forgives others as we have been forgiven.

So here is a question for us to consider: How have you been viewing conflict in your marriage? Do you view the conflict in your marriage as something you got to go through? Or do you view the conflict in your marriage as something that you get to grow through? Are you engaging in conflict in a way that is building trust with your spouse? Or are you engaging in conflict in a way that is destroying trust with your spouse?

Because, as we have seen, Conflict in marriage is not something to go through: Conflict in marriage is something to grow through in order to build trust with one another as we become more like Jesus…