This week we are looking at a
statement by a man named Solomon that revealed a timeless principle that leads
to a timeless truth when it comes to lasting relationships in that lasting
relationships require preparation. Yesterday we discovered that in order to
experience lasting relationships, we must prepare ourselves to become the right
person. In order to experience lasting relationships, we must prepare ourselves
so that the course, conduct, and consequences of our lives produce committed
and lasting relationships.
You see, marriage is not about
love. Instead marriage is about commitment. People who are in love get married,
but at the end of the day, marriage is about making a covenant commitment to
one another before God. Yet, while it is easy to make a commitment, it is much
more difficult to keep that commitment. And if we do not take the time to
prepare for the commitment to lasting relationships, the harsh reality is that
we will not be able to keep our commitment to lasting relationships.
And our commitments are only as
good as our preparation to keep those commitments. Lasting relationships are
the product of lifelong preparation to keep one’s commitment to one another. So,
today I would like to answer some common questions to help you prepare for the
future as you strive to become the right person that the person you are looking
for is looking for.
One of the most common questions that I have been
asked during my time in ministry is this: “When is it o.k. to start dating?” I
have had this question asked by Jr. and Sr. High students. I have had this
question asked to me by those who have went through a divorce or have been
widowed; I have had the question “when is a good age to let my child start
dating?” asked by parents.
And my response to that question is this: that is the
wrong question to ask, to which I usually get a strange look. Instead, the
right question to ask is this: “what is the purpose of dating?”, because, the
answer to this question reveals a great deal about where the person is at in
terms of their perspective. You see, some people would answer that question
this way: the purpose of dating is so that I can eventually find someone to have
sex with. That is how our culture often answers this question. I mean just look
at tinder and the whole hook up culture.
However, most people usually answer the question “what
is the purpose of dating?” to “find a spouse or to get married”. This answer
leads to the following response: so are you ready to get married? So, let’s ask
that question this morning? Are you as a Jr. and Sr. High student ready to get
married? If you have been divorced or widowed, have you worked through your
grief and pain, and are you in a position where the Bible states that you can
be remarried, because reconciliation is impossible?
If the answer to these questions are no; if you are
not ready to get married, then why would you put yourself in a position where
you can be tempted to sin sexually or experience all the drama that comes with
dating for the wrong reasons? If you are not ready to be married; if you are
not prepared emotionally or spiritually to be married, you should not even
consider dating, because the naïve believe everything, but the sensible man
considers his steps.
A second question that arises often is “How do you
know when the person you are looking for has found you? How can we evaluate
whether this is the one?” My personal belief is that the best way to evaluate
whether a person is the one is to not go about dating the way our culture
promotes dating. Now I am not necessarily advocating that you should not date
at all. What I am saying is that should consider changing how you approach
dating.
Think of it this way; what happens when you go out on
a date? What happens is a guy usually goes out “one on one” with a girl to a
restaurant, a movie, a sporting event, etc. to “get to know one another”. What
happens when you go on a date is a guy and girl usually make their best
attempts to look their best and act their best in order to impress their date.
We usually try to say what we believe they want to hear; we think of great one
liners, we want to put our best foot forward.
Now with that in mind, here is the question; are you
really being yourself or are you trying to be what the other person is looking
for? And how are you going to be able to evaluate if they are the one in such a
one on one environment that is focused on impressing one another?
What complicates this further is how we are taught to
enter into relationships as a culture. As a culture, relationships usually
progress in the following manner. We usually are looking to find the right
person physically and end up engaging in the physical part of the relationship
very quickly. We are then emotionally invested; we are evaluating whether there
is chemistry.
After entering into the relationship physically and
emotionally, we then psychologically place all our hopes and dreams on the
person for fulfillment. It is at this point that we may find out the person is
very possessive or codependent. We discover that the person is very needy or we
see danger signs that they may be unstable or abusive. But we are already
physically and emotionally invested, so we stay in the relationship.
And as the relationship continues, we then begin to
notice how they really handle themselves in social situations. And while they
may be obnoxious, even rude socially to our family, friends, and others, we are
in too deep, so then we stay. Unfortunately, in many cases, it is only at this
point that questions about what they believe spiritually are even asked or
considered.
Here is alternative to consider. Instead of one on one
dating, if there is a person that you find interesting, what would happen if
you started by first discovering what their spiritual views were? Do they go to
church, if so and how often? Are they involved in a community group? Do they
serve in a ministry? In other words, before you even consider dating, are they
in the same spiritual place that you are?
If the answer to that is yes, what would happen if you
engaged that person from a distance, so to speak, in group settings? Doing
activities as part of a large group enables a person to consider how the person
they are interested in treats others in social situations. Doing activities in
a large group enables a person to consider how a person is psychologically
wired.
Most importantly, you are being who you generally are
as a person, while the person who you are interested is being who they
genuinely are, because they have no idea that you are considering them. You are
able to engage them in a group and discover whether or not there is a
connection. You are able to receive feedback from others as they get to know
this person as others may see flaws in their character and conduct that you may
miss. And this process keeps
your emotional and physical involvement behind your leading from God and your commitment
to the other person.
Now of the two approaches to dating, which one do you
think would better help you consider whether or not you have found “the one”? “Because
the naïve believe everything, but the sensible man considers his steps.”
Friday, we will talk about some advice regarding
lasting relationships…
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