A Controversial and Emotional Question Surrounding Marriage...

At the church where I serve, we are in a sermon series entitled “Love and Marriage”, where we are asking and answering four questions surrounding the issue of marriage: “What is marriage?” “Does marriage matter to Jesus?” “What is marriage for?” And “How are we to handle conflict in marriage?” And as we go through this series, our hope and our prayer is that God would move by the power of the Holy Spirit to enable us to wrap our heads, hearts, and hands around the answers to these questions in a way that result in us being able to experience the love and marriage that we were designed to experience.

This week, I would like for us to ask and answer the question “Does marriage matter to Jesus?” And to answer that question, I would like for us to spend our time together looking at an event from history that has been preserved and recorded for us in an account of Jesus life in the Bible called the gospel of Matthew. And it is in this event from history that we will discover the timeless answer to the question “Does marriage matter to Jesus?”  So, let’s discover the answer to that question together, beginning in Matthew 19:3:

Some Pharisees came to Jesus, testing Him and asking, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all?"

Matthew begins this section of his account of Jesus life by giving us a front row seat to a confrontation that Jesus had with a group of people who were known as the Pharisees. Now the Pharisee’s were a group of self-righteous religious leaders who led of one of the largest religious denominations of the Jewish people during Jesus day. The Pharisees were aware that Jesus had grown in popularity in the eyes of the Jewish people. And as a result of His growing popularity, Jesus was viewed as a threat by the Pharisees to their position and power that they loved.

And it was in this context that Matthew tells us that some Pharisees came to Jesus to test Him with a question. Now when Matthew uses the word test here, this word means to attempt to trap someone through the process of inquiry. In other words, this group of self-righteous religious leaders hoped to trap Jesus with a question. The Pharisees hoped that Jesus response to their question that would undermine His credibility with the Jewish people. The Pharisees hoped that Jesus answer to their question would give them the opportunity to bolster their position and popularity with the Jewish people.

So, the Pharisees asked a question that they believed would be controversial enough and emotional enough to drive the crowds away from Jesus and toward them: "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all?" Now this question, if communicated in the language we use in our culture today, would have sounded something like this: Is it right and proper for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all? Is it ever okay to get a divorce?”

Now here is a question to consider: Do you think that this question is controversial? Do you think this question provokes strong emotions? Do you think that this question provokes strong opinions? You see, the emotional and controversial subject of divorce and remarriage is not new. Divorce and remarriage has been an emotional and controversial subject throughout human history.

And now, the Pharisees were attempting to get Jesus to weigh in on the debate in hopes that His answer would undermine His growing popularity and credibility with the crowds that were following Him. Matthew records for us how Jesus answered this question that was designed to trap Him in verse 4-6:

And He answered and said, "Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE, ⁵ and said, 'FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH '? ⁶ "So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate."

Matthew tells us that Jesus began to answer their question with the phrase “Have you not read”. When Jesus uses this phrase, this was Jesus way of basically saying “You should know that answer to this question because you position yourselves as the self-righteous religious experts. You should know that answer to this question because you already have the answer to this question but obviously you have not read the Bible like you should have read the Bible so that you could see the answer to your question which is right in front of your face.”

Jesus then revealed the answer to their question which was right in front of their face by quoting from a section of the very first letter in the Bible called the book of Genesis. Jesus quoted from Genesis 1:27, which we looked at last week and which referred to the creation of humanity. And in God’s creation of humanity, “God made them male and female”. What is so interesting here is that Jesus did not quote all of Genesis 1:27. Here is what all of Genesis 1:27 states:

God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.

Instead of quoting all of Genesis 1:27, Jesus quotes the last phrase of Genesis 1:27 from the Greek translation of the Hebrew Old Testament. But why would Jesus only quote the last phrase of Genesis 1:27? You see, Jesus quoted the last phrase of Genesis 1:27, as the last phrase of Genesis 1:27 highlighted the differences between men and women. As we talked about last week, Genesis 1:27 reveals the reality that in God’s design, men and women have equal value and worth as being created in God’s relational image.

Jesus here is highlighting the reality that in God’s design, there is a distinctiveness between men and women in the midst of the equality of men and women in God’s sight. After quoting the last phrase of Genesis 1:27, Jesus quoted Genesis 2:24. But notice the words that occur between the two quotes. Notice the words “and said”. Jesus here shows the causal linkage between the last phrase of Genesis 1:27 and Genesis 2:24 to reveal the reality that God created men and women with distinctiveness that was to be united in marriage in a way that those distinctive features between a man and a woman would complement one another in a lifelong commitment to one another.

Jesus pointed to this linkage to point out that “For this reason”; in other words, because it is not good for man to be alone in his unique distinctiveness; because it is not good for a woman to be alone in her unique distinctiveness; a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh. Jesus point here is that marriage is an institution that was created by God by which a man and woman cut the cord, so to speak, from their parents and join together in a covenant commitment that involves one man and one woman for one lifetime and become one flesh, in a relationship that is marked by vulnerability, transparency and intimacy.

Jesus was reinforcing the reality that marriage is not a legal contract where two parties agree to do certain things for each other and make promises about how they will conduct their life together that can be dissolved at any time. Instead, marriage is a covenant commitment that can only be revoked through death of one of the parties or by one of the parties entering into another covenant agreement. Jesus was reinforcing the reality that marriage is not just sexual in nature.  And Jesus was reinforcing the reality that marriage is not just personal in nature. Jesus was reinforcing the reality that marriage, according to God’s design, is not simply about love, or sex, or a legal piece of paper. Instead, Jesus was reinforcing God’s design for marriage as being about bringing the distinctiveness of a man and a woman together to complement one another by uniting them together in a covenant commitment for their lifetime.

And because of that reality, in verse 6 Jesus proclaimed "So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate." Now what is so interesting here is that the phrase “let no man separate” is a command. In other words, Jesus responded to the question by the Pharisees by giving them a command concerning marriage. And that command was that no man was to separate, or divide into two, what God had made into one as a result of the covenant commitment that had been made before God and man.

So, Jesus not only answered their question by pointing to God’s design for marriage. In addition, Jesus doubled down on God’s design for marriage by commanding that no one should get between a man and woman who have become married.

Tomorrow, we will see Matthew reveal how the Pharisees responded to Jesus…

Marriage is a covenant commitment between one man and one woman for one lifetime that is to be marked by vulnerability, transparency, and intimacy...

This week we have been asking the question “What is marriage?”  In other words, is the nature of marriage simply a legal contract between two parties? Is marriage simply about a sexual relationship between two people? Is marriage simply about a personal relationship between two people who are in love? Or is the nature of marriage something more than these definitions of marriage?

To answer this question, I would like for us to spend our time together looking at a section of the very first letter that is recorded for us in the Bible called the book of Genesis. We discovered that we have been divinely designed to live in relationship with God and one another and have been given responsibility over the earth as His representative here on earth. In addition, in God’s design, men and women have equal value and worth as being created in God’s relational image. However, there is a distinctiveness between men and women: male and female He created them”.

Then, in Genesis chapter 2 we read that God formed man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life. God then gave Adam a job to tend the garden and name the animals and just one command to follow; don’t eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. We discovered that God created humanity for work and gave humanity amazing freedom and responsibility.

However, God saw something that was not good. And what is not good, God explains is for the man to be alone. Adam was unique as an image bearer of God. And as God looked at Adam and his uniqueness, God immediately saw that was not good. God responded to the uniqueness of Adam and the lack of an equal that would complement Adam and that could connect and correspond to him by creating women.

And as Adam woke up; and as God brought Eve into Adam’s presence, we see Adam’s response revealed for us in Genesis 2:23. And it is here that we are given a front row seat to the very first marriage. So, let’s take that front row seat together in Genesis 2:23:

The man said, "This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man."

Now, can you imagine what that must have been like? Can you imagine what was going through Adam’s mind as he first saw Eve? Now while we were not there, for many of us here this morning, we can totally imagine what was going through Adam’s mind, can’t we? We can totally relate to what was going through Adam’s mind because many of us have been there haven’t we?

Whether male or female, we have been there when that person enters into our lives that compliments us and connects and corresponds to us like no one else can. Men, we have been at that place in our lives where there has been a woman enters into our lives and we respond “wo-man!” Ladies, we have been at a place in our lives where that man enters into our lives and we respond “wow, there is a man!” And even if you have not experienced that yet, you are looking forward to that day and longing for that day, aren’t you? And there is a reason why that is the case. Moses reveals for us that reason in Genesis 2:24:

For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

For this reason; in other words, because it is not good for man to be alone in his uniqueness; because it is not good for a woman to be alone in her uniqueness; a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh. And it is here that we see revealed for us the timeless answer to the question “What is marriage?” And that timeless answer is this: Marriage is a covenant commitment between one man and one woman for one lifetime that is to be marked by vulnerability, transparency, and intimacy.

God created the institution of marriage and has a divine design for marriage. And that divine design for marriage is that a man and woman cut the cord, so to speak, from their parents and join together in a covenant commitment that involves one man and one woman for one lifetime and become one flesh. Now this phrase “one flesh” is not just talking about the physical aspect of sex. You see, marriage was designed by God to be a relationship that is marked by vulnerability, transparency and intimacy.

You see, marriage is not a contract where two parties agree to do certain things for each other and make promises about how they will conduct your life together that can be dissolved at any time. Instead, marriage is a covenant commitment that can only be revoked through death of one of the parties or by one of the parties entering into another covenant agreement. Marriage is not just legal in nature. Marriage was designed by God to involve more than simply “cutting the cord” to get out of the house.

And marriage is not just sexual in nature.  Marriage was designed by God to involve more than sex. Just because you have had sexual intercourse with someone, that does not constitute marriage in the eyes of God. And marriage is not just personal in nature. Marriage was designed by God to involve more than just being “in love”.  You see, marriage is not about love. Instead marriage is about commitment. People who are in love get married, but at the end of the day, marriage is about making a covenant commitment to one another before God.

Marriage, according to God’s design, is not simply about love, or sex, or a legal piece of paper. Instead marriage, according to God’s design, is about all of these aspects combined in a covenant commitment between one man and one woman for the entirety of one’s lifetime. Marriage, according to God’s design, is about bringing the distinctiveness of a man and a woman together to compliment one another by uniting them together in a covenant commitment for their lifetime.

Any other definition of marriage that does not line up with this definition of marriage is not marriage as God designed it. And while countries and societies can choose to define marriage different than God designed for legal purposes in terms of a contract, that does not change how God designed and defines marriage.

Now a natural question that could arise here is “Well Dave how does this definition of marriage line up with what Jesus had to say about marriage? Does marriage matter to Jesus?” Next week, we will spend our time together asking and answering that question...

The Circumstances that Led to the First Wedding...

This week we are addressing the question “What is marriage?” Is marriage simply a legal contract between two parties? Is marriage simply about a sexual relationship between two people? Is marriage simply about a personal relationship between two people who are in love? Or is the nature of marriage something more than these definitions of marriage?

To answer this question, I would like for us to look at a section of the very first letter that is recorded for us in the Bible called the book of Genesis. And it is in this section of this letter that we are going to be given a front row seat to the very first marriage. And as we take this front row seat to the very first marriage, we will discover the answer to the question “What is marriage?”

However, before we take that front row seat, we first need to gain some background information what it comes to the context of the first marriage. We gain that information beginning in Genesis 1:26-27:

Then God said, "Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth." ²⁷ God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.

Here we see the Triune God’s design and desire for the creation of humanity: “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness”. To be created in the image of God means that every human being bears the thumbprint of God. We were created in God’s relational image. We were created for relationships. Just as God the Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit live in relationship with one another, we were created for relationships. We were created for a relationship with God vertically and for relationships with one another horizontally.

That is why the most devastating feeling is that of loneliness, because when we are lonely we are living outside of God’s design for our lives. But not only were we divinely designed for relationships. Here we also see that we were divinely designed to rule over the earth as God’s representative. When God uses the phrase “let them rule” this phrase literally means to have rule or dominion. God created humanity and placed humanity on earth as His representative on earth.

You see, we have been divinely designed to live in relationship with God and one another and have been given responsibility over the earth as His representative here on earth. In addition, in Genesis 1:27 we see revealed for us the reality that in God’s design, men and women have equal value and worth as being created in God’s relational image. However, there is a distinctiveness between men and women: male and female He created them”.

Then, in Genesis chapter 2 we read that God formed man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life. God then gave Adam a job to tend the garden and name the animals and just one command to follow; don’t eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. We discovered that God created humanity for work and gave humanity amazing freedom and responsibility. And it is in the midst of that freedom and responsibility that humanity was created to live life in such a way that they revealed God as they lived in relationship with Him and represented Him here on the earth. And it is in this context that I would like us to jump into the next section of the book of Genesis, beginning in Genesis 2:18:

Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him."

As we jump into this event from history, we see Moses record for us the reality that for the first time, there was something that was not good. Up to this point in God’s story, after God’s creative activity, God would look at what He had created and say that it was good. In Genesis 1:31, we read that God saw that all that He had made and behold it was very good. Now however, God sees something that is not good. And what is not good, God explains is for the man to be alone.

You see, while we were created for a relationship with God vertically and we were created for relationships with others horizontally; and while Adam was connected with God vertically, he did not connect with any of the other creation horizontally. Adam was unique as an image bearer of God. And as God looked at Adam and his uniqueness, God immediately saw that was not good. Adam did not complain about a lack of connection. Instead, God saw the lack of connection and took the initiative.

Moses tells us that God responded to the situation by stating that He would make a helper suitable for Adam. Now the phrase “helper suitable”, in the language that this letter was originally written in, literally means to make corresponding to. In other words, God was not going to create something inferior to Adam to be his servant. And God was not going to create something that was superior to Adam that he would have to serve. Instead God was going to create something that was equal to Adam that would complement Adam and that Adam could connect and correspond to. We see what happens next in verse 19-20:

 Out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the sky, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man called a living creature, that was its name. The man gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the sky, and to every beast of the field, but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him.

Here we see that God gave Adam the responsibility to name all of the animals. You see, Adam was not some Neanderthal with his knuckles dragging on the ground. The very first human on the planet had the capacity to name all the animals in the Garden of Eden. God did not name all the animals. Instead, God gave Adam the freedom and the responsibility to name all the animals. “Adam, what do you want to call that animal? Let’s call that animal an aardvark. Alright, an aardvark it is”.

You see, Adam was creative, because God designed humanity to be creative. Humanity was created with amazing creativity and capabilities. However, as Adam looked at all of the animals that he had named, there was no animal that corresponded to him and that would complement him as an equal. There was nothing else in creation that could connect and relate to the creativity and capability that Adam was given as an image bearer of God. We see how God responded to this reality in verse 21-22:

 So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. The LORD God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man.

God responded to the uniqueness of Adam and the lack of an equal that would complement Adam and that could connect and correspond to him by creating women. Moses explained that God caused Adam to fall to sleep and took one of his ribs and formed Eve, the first woman.

Now these verses do not contradict what we looked at in Genesis 1:26-27. Instead these verses compliment Genesis 1:26-27. Genesis 1 explains that God created Adam and Eve to reveal and represent Him as they lived in relationship with Him. But Genesis 1 does not tell us how or when He created them. Genesis 2 compliments Genesis 1 by giving us the details on the how Adam and Eve were created.

While Adam was created from the dust of the earth as a potter molds clay, Eve was built from Adam. Thus, Eve was the first being to be created from another living being. Now, on a separate note, ladies this is why we men do not understand you; we don’t understand you because we were asleep when it happened. And as Adam woke up; and as God brought Eve into Adam’s presence, we see Adam’s response revealed for us in Genesis 2:23. And it is here that we are given a front row seat to the very first marriage.

Friday we will take that front row seat together…

What is marriage?

Last week, we discovered that the commitments we make are only good as our preparation to keep those commitments. While it is easy to make a commitment, it is much more difficult to keep that commitment. And if we do not take the time to prepare for the commitment to lasting relationships, the harsh reality is that we will not be able to keep our commitment to lasting relationships. 

And the reason why preparation matters is because, at the end of the day, we all want a relationship that lasts. At the end of the day, we all want to experience love and marriage. There is something within the heart of humanity that desires to experience the romance and relationships that are a part of the fairy tales we grew up hearing about as children. Yet, while we all desire to experience the love and marriage that we grew up watching fairy tales about, the reality is that for many people, the idea of love and marriage is more of a fantasy than a reality.

While the hearts of humanity desire and dream about love and marriage, for many of us, the reality of love and marriage is far from the fantasy we dreamed about. For many of us, the idea of love and marriage that we grew up dreaming about ended up being a nightmare that we desperately want out of. So is it possible to experience the love and marriage that grew up dreaming about? Is it possible to experience love and lasting relationships in a marriage?

For the next four weeks at the church where I serve, we are going to spend our time together addressing the issue of marriage in a sermon series entitled love and marriage. During this series, we are going to spend our time together asking and answering four questions.  During this series we are going to ask and answer the questions “What is marriage?” “Does marriage matter to Jesus?” “What is marriage for?” And “How are we to handle conflict in marriage?” And as we go through this series, our hope and our prayer is that God would move by the power of the Holy Spirit to enable us to wrap our heads, hearts, and hands around the answers to these questions in a way that result in us being able to experience the love and marriage that we were designed to experience.

This week I would like for us to spend our time together addressing the first question in this series, which is “What is marriage?”  In our culture today, the prevailing view of marriage is that marriage is a legal contract. Whether they realize it or not, most people believe and behave as though marriage is a contract. 

Now a contract is where two parties agree, by contract, to do certain things for each other, and make promises about how they will conduct their life together. In a contract, at any point in the contract, either party may choose to seek to have that contact dissolved. If either party does not like the terms of the contract, that party can dissolve the contract and look to enter into a contract with someone else.

To use a sports analogy, a person can opt out of their contract and become a free agent so as to see if they can find a better deal with better terms from someone else. This view of marriage as a contract is the dominant view of marriage in our culture today.

For others, when it comes to the question “What is marriage?” they would say that the nature of marriage simply about a sexual relationship between two people. This is an argument that I would often hear when I would talk with college-age students. The conversation would go something like this “Well Dave, we really don’t need to go through the process of getting married, because we are already married in God’s sight.” The view that the nature of marriage simply about a sexual relationship between two people is based on the belief that sexual intercourse is what constitutes marriage in the eyes of God and in some cases, the eyes of the state.

This view of marriage is advocated by those who are for what is referred to as “common law" marriage. Common law marriage, simply put, is the act of a couple representing themselves to others as being married, and organizing their relationship as if they were married, acting as the evidence that they are married.

A somewhat related and similar position is that, when it comes to the question “What is marriage?” the nature of marriage simply about a personal relationship between two people who are in love. For this group of people, being in love is what constitutes marriage. The conversation would go something like this “Well Dave, we really don’t need to go through the process of getting married, because we don’t want to end up like so many others who get married and then up getting divorced. After all, we are in love, so as far as we are concerned, we are married, and we don’t want to complicate and mess up the good thing that we have by actually getting legally married.”

But are these definitions of marriage accurate definitions of marriage? Is marriage simply a legal contract between two parties? Is marriage simply about a sexual relationship between two people? Is marriage simply about a personal relationship between two people who are in love? Or is the nature of marriage something more than these definitions of marriage?

Tomorrow, we will begin to discover the answer to these questions…

Some advice about dating and relationships...

This week, we have looked at a timeless truth that is often minimized and ignored when it comes to lasting relationships and discovered that lasting relationships require preparation. In order to experience lasting relationships, we must prepare ourselves to become the right person. In order to experience lasting relationships, we must prepare ourselves so that the course, conduct, and consequences of our lives produce committed and lasting relationships.

Yet, while it is easy to make a commitment, it is much more difficult to keep that commitment. And if we do not take the time to prepare for the commitment to lasting relationships, the harsh reality is that we will not be able to keep our commitment to lasting relationships. 

Wednesday, we answered two common questions surrounding dating and relationships. Today, here is piece of advice when it comes to lasting relationships: Deal with your single person problems before you get married. As we talked about earlier, no one on the planet has marriage problems. Married people have single people problems and now they are married.

You see, the reason why people have marriage problems is because marriage only enhances the strengths and weaknesses that you had when you were single. You will have a problem being honest or being faithful in your marriage because you had a problem with honesty or faithfulness when you were single. You will not have marriage problems; you will have single people problems and now you are married. So, deal with your single people problems before you get married.

In addition, deal with your debt so that you are debt free. The number one cause of stress in marriage and divorce stems from financial problems. That is why we spend an entire session in premarital counseling on finances. That is why couples have a budget as part of their premarital counseling process. And this is another single people problem. If you dating a person who has significant debt issues, do not marry them until they deal with their debt problem. If they say to you, well we need to get married because you will help me be a better person and get out of debt, two things are going to happen. A, your credit score will be destroyed, and B, you will be a babysitter instead of a spouse. If you tell the person who wants to marry you that you will not marry them until they deal with their debt problem, one of two things will happen. Either they will do whatever it takes, even if it means moving back in with their parents in order to get out of debt because they love you and are committed to being with you. Or they will blow it off, which reveals a great deal about their commitment and lack of preparation to make a commitment.

Delay the physical aspect of your relationship as long as possible. Now I am not simply talking about sex. I am talking about any of the physical aspects of the relationship. Do not allow the physical to cloud the preparation. Delay the physical to the point that the person would even wonder if you are interested. Then you can so “Oh yeah, I am interested, but I am waiting for the right time and the right place.” 

In addition, do not live together. Now for some of you, you are thinking “well of course he is going to say that, he is a pastor. So, do not take my word for it. Instead you can go ahead and Google all of the research, both secular and religious and see for yourself what the results say, which is that living together does not result in lasting relationships. In fact, the research shows that living together does the opposite. You see, men and women tend to view living together from two totally different perspectives. While women often view living together a step toward commitment, men often view living together as an opportunity to try it out so they can get out of the commitment, if necessary.

And finally, I would like to say something to non-Christians.. Non-Christians, do not date a Christian unless you want to become one. If you are not a Christian, here is the thing, your boyfriend or girlfriend has an agenda. And that agenda is that they want you to become a Christian. And if you are a non-Christian and your Christian boyfriend and girlfriend is sleeping with you, you should definitely not date them, because they are a hypocrite, and you do not like Christians because they are hypocrites, so you should not be dating him or her.

Because. lasting relationships require preparation...

Two Common Questions Surrounding Dating and Relationships...

This week we are looking at a statement by a man named Solomon that revealed a timeless principle that leads to a timeless truth when it comes to lasting relationships in that lasting relationships require preparation. Yesterday we discovered that in order to experience lasting relationships, we must prepare ourselves to become the right person. In order to experience lasting relationships, we must prepare ourselves so that the course, conduct, and consequences of our lives produce committed and lasting relationships.

You see, marriage is not about love. Instead marriage is about commitment. People who are in love get married, but at the end of the day, marriage is about making a covenant commitment to one another before God. Yet, while it is easy to make a commitment, it is much more difficult to keep that commitment. And if we do not take the time to prepare for the commitment to lasting relationships, the harsh reality is that we will not be able to keep our commitment to lasting relationships. 

And our commitments are only as good as our preparation to keep those commitments. Lasting relationships are the product of lifelong preparation to keep one’s commitment to one another. So, today I would like to answer some common questions to help you prepare for the future as you strive to become the right person that the person you are looking for is looking for.

One of the most common questions that I have been asked during my time in ministry is this: “When is it o.k. to start dating?” I have had this question asked by Jr. and Sr. High students. I have had this question asked to me by those who have went through a divorce or have been widowed; I have had the question “when is a good age to let my child start dating?” asked by parents.

And my response to that question is this: that is the wrong question to ask, to which I usually get a strange look. Instead, the right question to ask is this: “what is the purpose of dating?”, because, the answer to this question reveals a great deal about where the person is at in terms of their perspective. You see, some people would answer that question this way: the purpose of dating is so that I can eventually find someone to have sex with. That is how our culture often answers this question. I mean just look at tinder and the whole hook up culture.

However, most people usually answer the question “what is the purpose of dating?” to “find a spouse or to get married”. This answer leads to the following response: so are you ready to get married? So, let’s ask that question this morning? Are you as a Jr. and Sr. High student ready to get married? If you have been divorced or widowed, have you worked through your grief and pain, and are you in a position where the Bible states that you can be remarried, because reconciliation is impossible?

If the answer to these questions are no; if you are not ready to get married, then why would you put yourself in a position where you can be tempted to sin sexually or experience all the drama that comes with dating for the wrong reasons? If you are not ready to be married; if you are not prepared emotionally or spiritually to be married, you should not even consider dating, because the naïve believe everything, but the sensible man considers his steps.

A second question that arises often is “How do you know when the person you are looking for has found you? How can we evaluate whether this is the one?” My personal belief is that the best way to evaluate whether a person is the one is to not go about dating the way our culture promotes dating. Now I am not necessarily advocating that you should not date at all. What I am saying is that should consider changing how you approach dating.

Think of it this way; what happens when you go out on a date? What happens is a guy usually goes out “one on one” with a girl to a restaurant, a movie, a sporting event, etc. to “get to know one another”. What happens when you go on a date is a guy and girl usually make their best attempts to look their best and act their best in order to impress their date. We usually try to say what we believe they want to hear; we think of great one liners, we want to put our best foot forward.

Now with that in mind, here is the question; are you really being yourself or are you trying to be what the other person is looking for? And how are you going to be able to evaluate if they are the one in such a one on one environment that is focused on impressing one another?

What complicates this further is how we are taught to enter into relationships as a culture. As a culture, relationships usually progress in the following manner. We usually are looking to find the right person physically and end up engaging in the physical part of the relationship very quickly. We are then emotionally invested; we are evaluating whether there is chemistry. 

After entering into the relationship physically and emotionally, we then psychologically place all our hopes and dreams on the person for fulfillment. It is at this point that we may find out the person is very possessive or codependent. We discover that the person is very needy or we see danger signs that they may be unstable or abusive. But we are already physically and emotionally invested, so we stay in the relationship.

And as the relationship continues, we then begin to notice how they really handle themselves in social situations. And while they may be obnoxious, even rude socially to our family, friends, and others, we are in too deep, so then we stay. Unfortunately, in many cases, it is only at this point that questions about what they believe spiritually are even asked or considered.

Here is alternative to consider. Instead of one on one dating, if there is a person that you find interesting, what would happen if you started by first discovering what their spiritual views were? Do they go to church, if so and how often? Are they involved in a community group? Do they serve in a ministry? In other words, before you even consider dating, are they in the same spiritual place that you are?

If the answer to that is yes, what would happen if you engaged that person from a distance, so to speak, in group settings? Doing activities as part of a large group enables a person to consider how the person they are interested in treats others in social situations. Doing activities in a large group enables a person to consider how a person is psychologically wired.

Most importantly, you are being who you generally are as a person, while the person who you are interested is being who they genuinely are, because they have no idea that you are considering them. You are able to engage them in a group and discover whether or not there is a connection. You are able to receive feedback from others as they get to know this person as others may see flaws in their character and conduct that you may miss. And this process keeps your emotional and physical involvement behind your leading from God and your commitment to the other person.

Now of the two approaches to dating, which one do you think would better help you consider whether or not you have found “the one”? “Because the naïve believe everything, but the sensible man considers his steps.”

Friday, we will talk about some advice regarding lasting relationships…

Lasting relationships require preparation...

At the church where I serve, we are in the middle of a sermon series entitled Relationships vs Relationsinks. During this series, we are discovering what the letters that make up the Bible have to say about lasting relationships. This week, I would like for us to spend our time together talking about a timeless truth that is often minimized and ignored when it comes to lasting relationships. Due to how our culture views love and relationships, this timeless truth is often missed.

We discover this timeless truth in a section of a letter that is recorded for us in the Old Testament of our Bibles called the book of Proverbs. It is in this section of this letter that we see the wisest man who ever lived make a profound statement that reveals this timeless truth. So, let’s look at this statement together, beginning in Proverbs 14:15:

The naive believes everything, But the sensible man

considers his steps

In this proverb, we see Solomon communicate a proverb that contrasts two different types of people. To understand the significance of Solomon’s statement here, we first need to understand what proverbs are and how they function. Proverbs are little slices of truth about the way things generally happen in life, but not always.

In other words, while proverbs are not iron clad promises, proverbs are little slices of truth that have been discovered from multiple people as a result of common experiences over time. So, reading proverbs is like surrounding yourself with older, wiser, and more experienced people who can provide you advice about how life generally works.

With that in mind, we see Solomon contrast two different types of people. The fist type of person Solomon refers to as naïve. Now the word naïve, in the language that this letter was originally written in, literally means to be simple. A naïve person is a person who is gullible and easily deceived. A naïve person tends to be careless and is easily misled.

Solomon then reveals the consequences that await the naïve person. The naïve person, according to Solomon believes everything. Because the naïve person is careless; because the naïve person is gullible, the naïve person is easily deceived into believing everything. Now this word believed is the same word that is translated trust in the Bible and literally means to entrust oneself with complete confidence to someone or something. So, the naïve person carelessly places their trust in what they hear with the result that they are deceived and misled.

Solomon then contrasts the naïve person with the sensible person. A sensible person is one who is shrewd or careful. And because the sensible person is shrewd and careful, they consider their steps. The word consider here literally means to consider and discern so as to have insight and understanding.  But what does Solomon mean when he says the sensible man considers his steps?

When Solomon uses the word steps, this word refers to the course, conduct, and consequences that occur in one’s life. This word refers to the lifestyle that one lives and the consequences that the lifestyle produces. This word refers to the direction that one takes as they travel on the pathway of life.

Think of it this way. The course, conduct, and consequences of our lives are determined by each step that we take in our lives. The direction of our lives determines the destination that we arrive at in our lives. And that direction is determined by each step that we take in our day to day lives.

Solomon’s point here is that a careless and gullible person will not consider how the course and conduct of their lives will affect the consequences that they experience. The careless and gullible person will not take the time or effort to gain insight as to where the direction of their life and lifestyle is taking them. And as a result, they will suffer the consequences of their carelessness later in life.

By contrast, the sensible person considers the decisions that impact the direction of their lives in a way that provides them the insight to see the destination that they are heading towards. The sensible person prepares for the future by taking the time and effort to gain insight when it comes to the direction of their lives. The sensible person will carefully prepare for the future by asking questions and evaluating the direction of their life and lifestyle so as to be successful later in life.

And it is in this proverb that we discover a timeless truth when it comes to lasting relationships. And that timeless truth is this: Lasting relationships require preparation. In order to experience lasting relationships, we must prepare ourselves to become the right person. In order to experience lasting relationships, we must prepare ourselves so that the course, conduct, and consequences of our lives produce committed and lasting relationships.

You see, marriage is not about love. Instead marriage is about commitment. People who are in love get married, but at the end of the day, marriage is about making a covenant commitment to one another before God. Yet, while it is easy to make a commitment, it is much more difficult to keep that commitment. And if we do not take the time to prepare for the commitment to lasting relationships, the harsh reality is that we will not be able to keep our commitment to lasting relationships. 

Now you may find yourself pushing back to what I just said. You might be objecting to what I just said. If I have just described you, here is the thing; this timeless truth plays itself out in every aspect of our lives. Let me give you an example.

If I told you that next Sunday, I am committing to preach the entire sermon in Spanish; do you think that I could keep that commitment? Since I do not speak Spanish; and if I spent the next week not even looking at any Spanish, do you think I could keep that commitment? Of course not. If I told you that I am committing to run a five-minute mile next month, but was not going to work out at all for the next month, do you think that I could keep that commitment? You see, our commitments are only as good as our preparation to keep those commitments.

That is why we are such a stickler for premarital counseling at the church where I serve. That is why we are often accused of not wanting to marry people. We are such a stickler for premarital counseling because we believe that our commitments are only as good as our preparation. Lasting relationships are the product of lifelong preparation to keep one’s commitment to one another.

Tomorrow, I would like to begin asking and answering some common questions and giving some timeless advice to help you prepare for the future as you strive to become the right person that the person you are looking for is looking for…