5 stereotypes our culture portrays about what the Bible says about a women’s role in marriage...

At the church where I serve, we are in a sermon series entitled family daze to family days. During this series, we have been discussing the reality that when we think about family relationships, we can find ourselves thinking of family days as family d.a.z.e. And because of that reality, during this series, we are spending our time together looking at a section of a letter that a man named Paul wrote to an early church, called the Book of Ephesians.

It is in this letter that we see Paul explain to this church and to us here today, God’s desire and design for family relationships. And as we go through this series, our hope and our prayer is that God would move by the power of the Holy Spirit in our heads, hearts, and hands to equip and empower us to move our families from a place of dazed conflict and confusion to a place where we would experience the family relationships that God has created and called us to experience.

Last week we discovered the timeless principle that our relationships are influenced by what influences us. We talked about the reality that whether you are a follower of Jesus or whether you are not sure you buy the Jesus, Bible, church thing, this principle applies to all of us; our relationships are influenced by what influences us. Relationships do not occur in a vacuum; in every relationship there are external and internal forces at work in our lives that influence the health of the relationships in our life.

We also talked about the reality that to have the relationships that God desires and designed for us, especially when it comes to family relationships, require that we live a life that is influenced and controlled by the Spirit of God. We ended our time together understanding that God has a design for relationships. God has designed specific roles within relationships and God has designed specific goals that those relationships are to accomplish. And because of that reality, for us to experience relationships as God designed them to be experienced requires that we be influenced by God’s Spirit.

And nowhere in our culture today is God’s design for relationships more misunderstood, misapplied, or resisted then when it comes to the relationship that men and women are to experience within a marriage. So for the next two weeks, we are going to focus on God’s design when it comes to a marriage relationship.

This week, we will focus like a laser beam on a wife’s role and responsibility within a marriage relationship. And while the spotlight will be on the ladies this week, guys, next week we will spend our entire time focused on a husband’s role and responsibility within a marriage relationship.

Now as we focus on the ladies by looking at a section of a letter that the Apostle Paul wrote to the church in Ephesus, I imagine that for many a natural pushback and resistance will occur because, for many of us, we have experienced this passage either misrepresented or misused in the past.  So let’s look at this passage together, beginning in Ephesians 5:22-23:

Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.

Now, for many of us as soon as you heard this verse, a mental image popped in your mind. And as those images popped in our minds, we could feel the tension rise. The tension that arises from this verse comes from the phrase “be subject”. As we discovered last week, the phrase “be subject”, in the language that this letter was originally written in, means to willingly place ourselves under others by placing others first based on one’s role in the relationship.

Yet here, just one verse later, Paul is commanding that wives are to willingly place themselves under the leadership of their husbands in a way that follows their leadership in a marriage relationship. And Paul seems to add to the tension when he states that wives are to be subject as to the Lord. In other words, women are to willingly place themselves under their husband’s leadership in the same manner that they are to place themselves under the leadership of Jesus.

Now some of you ladies are thinking, “Well Paul would not have written that if he knew my husband”. Or you may be thinking to yourself right now “well Dave, my husband is nothing like Jesus”. Ladies, we will deal with your husband’s next week. You just have to trust me on this one.

Now, I believe that the tension that we tend to feel fill a room when we discuss what the letters that make up the Bible have to say about the relationship between men and women within a marriage, especially when it comes to these verses, often flows from two specific areas of confusion. The first area of confusion that can often arise when we talk about the idea of leadership or authority within a marriage relationship is due to how our culture attempts to portray God’s design when it comes to a women’s role in a marriage.

Mary Kassian has done an outstanding job of summarizing the five most prevalent stereotypes that are portrayed about what our culture believes the Bible says about a women’s role in a marriage relationship. The first stereotype would be who we will call Dora the Doormat. Dora wears a please step on me sign around her neck and is a passive opinion-less servant who is unable and unwilling to do anything other than what she is told. She has absolutely no goals in life except to serve her husband and have him dominate her. Dora’s sister, co-dependent Clara, goes so far as to say that those who believe in the Biblical model of marriage relationships endorse abuse.

Then there is Dipstick Danielle. Dipstick Danielle does not have a brain, as she threw all rational thought aside when she embraced what the Bible says about marriage relationships. Danielle is close friends with Bobblehead Betty, who also does not have any thoughts of her own but simply nods “yes” to everything her husband says.

Then there is kitchen trapped Kathy. Kitchen trapped Kathy lives in the kitchen, except when she goes to the laundry room. Her existence and purpose is defined by her ability to handle the household chores. Her life-long aspiration is to have one of her recipes make it into the next online edition of the Betty Crocker cookbook. Her friends Dipstick Danielle and Bobblehead Betty are eager to connect and share tips on cleaning techniques and the latest shopping strategies.

Then there is Baby popping Bertha. Bertha aims to have 26 kids. As a matter of fact popping out kids is the only goal and purpose to Bertha’s existence. The more kids she has, the more spiritual she is, so the more the better! Bertha does not use contraceptives or family planning, just have as many kids as you can as fast as you can. Bertha is best friends with Megan the marriage monger. Megan’s only goal in life is to be married. She’s pushing 50 and has done absolutely nothing in her life except complain about being single and is waiting for “Mr. Right” to come along.

Finally, there is repressed Rita. Rita has gifts and nowhere to use them, because her repressive and narrow-minded church will not let her preach on Sunday mornings. She is forever destined to sit in the back pew and do nothing. Silent. Frustrated. Repressed. She’s not into teaching Sunday school, facilitating a women’s community group, or mentoring and discipling women, or even serving the pressing and profound needs of the community, because she wants to do something really important- not something as menial as ministering to other women and children.

This first area of confusion that surrounds the stereotypes of women is compounded by a second area of confusion that can often arise when we talk about leadership and authority within a marriage relationship, which is the tendency in our culture to confuse value and roles. However, the letters that make up the Bible assign value and worth to who we are as human beings, not as human doings.

For example, let’s look at the relationship between members of the Trinity. All three members of the trinity possess the same nature. God the Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit are all equally divine in terms of their nature. Yet while every member of the trinity has the same nature, essence, and value, they have different roles, responsibilities, and authority. God the Father is the first among equals; God the Father exercises the leadership and authority role in the relationship amongst the Trinity. Jesus and the Holy Spirit, while equal in value and worth to God the Father, fall under and follow His leadership. We see Jesus do this throughout the gospels. And we see Paul talk about this reality throughout his letters that he wrote to various churches.

Another example is the twelve disciples. While there were twelve disciples, and all twelve were equal in their value and worth as disciples, Peter was the first amongst equals. Peter was the leader that the rest of the disciples followed in terms of leadership and authority. We see this throughout the book of Acts.

This same principle also applies to God’s design for relationships in humanity when it comes to men and women within marriage. Tomorrow we will see this principle applied to men and women in marriage…

Evidences of the Influence of the Holy Spirit...

This week we have been looking at a section of a letter that has been recorded for us in the New Testament of the Bible, where the Apostle Paul revealed a foundational and timeless principle that impacts our relationships. And that timeless principle is that our relationships are influenced by what influences us. The timeless reality is that the level of health in our relationships is directly impacted by what influences or controls us.

 Relationships do not occur in a vacuum; in every relationship there are external and internal forces at work in your life that influence the health of the relationships in your life. And here we see the Apostle Paul reveal for us the reality that to have the relationships that God desires and designed for us, especially when it comes to family relationships, require that we live a life that is influenced and controlled by the Spirit of God.

Now as you read that last statement, a natural pushback that some of you may be feeling may be “well Dave, are you saying that only Christians can have healthy relationships? Because I know many Christians that have messed up family relationships and I know many people who are not Christians that have good relationships.”

And I would respond by saying you are exactly right. There are followers of Jesus whose family and other relationships are marked by unhealthy tension and conflict. And there are those who reject the claims of Christ and the message of the gospel that have what would be described as good relationships. My response to this reality is this; we can have good relationships and still not experience that relationship as God desires and designs it to be. And in many cases, there are relationships that are influenced by good things, yet those relationships are not influenced by God things. And this reality reinforces the timeless principle that our relationships are influenced by what influences us.

Now a second question that arises here is “what does a relationship that is influenced and controlled by the Holy Spirit look like? And how do I know if my relationships are influenced and controlled by the Holy Spirit?” That is a great question. And regardless of whether you are a follower of Jesus or not, a person can look at their relationships and the relationships of those around them and begin to recognize what influences and controls those relationships. And in the verses that follow, we see Paul begin to unpack four specific evidences that appear in relationships that are controlled and influenced by the Holy Spirit. So let’s begin to look at them together, beginning in Ephesians 5:19:

speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord;

In verse 19, we see Paul identify the first two evidences of a life that is controlled and influenced by the Holy Spirit. First, we see that the relationships of a person who is controlled and influenced by the Holy Spirit will be marked by conversations that are engaged in the encouraging of others and that bring glory to God.

The phrase “psalms and hymns and spiritual songs” here reveals for us the reality that during the days of the early church, followers of Jesus would not only sing songs, but would also recite creeds that informed and reinforced basic truths about God. In addition, early church services would have included the reading of a letter, like this letter that would have been written by an early church leader to encourage and teach the church. And in the same way today, relationships that are controlled and influenced by the Holy Spirit will be marked with conversations that encourage others and shine a light on God.

So, what influences the conversations that occur in your relationships? Because our relationships, especially our family relationships are influenced by what influences our conversations.

Second, we see that the relationships of a person who is controlled and influenced by the Holy Spirit will be marked by a life that is lived with an attitude of worship of God. The phrase “singing songs and making melody with your heart to the Lord” can refer to singing or playing a musical instrument. The word heart is used to describe the center and source of a person’s being.

Paul’s point here is that a person who is controlled and influenced by the Holy Spirit will, from the core of their being, live a life that is a response of worship to God that values God supremely. Their life will be a response of worship that controls and influences how they approach their relationships.

Think of it this way: when a person is influenced by the Holy Spirit in this way, how easy do you think it would to be manipulative; to be codependent; to be passive aggressive or passive resistant? Do you think it would be possible to have family relationships that used one another if we lived a life that leaned into loving God with our total being and loving our neighbor as ourselves?

So what do you worship? What do you value supremely? Because our relationships, especially our family relationships are influenced by what influences our worship. Paul then reveals a third evidence that reveals the influence and control of the Holy Spirit in our relationships in verse 20:

always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father;

When Paul uses the phrase always giving thanks in all things, this phrase conveys the sense of expressing our appreciation for the benefits and blessings that one has received from God. When Paul states that we are to express our appreciation in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, he is reminding followers of Jesus throughout history that the blessings of receiving the forgiveness of our selfishness and sin and the relationship with God that we were created for are the result of Jesus life, death, and resurrection.

And it is here that we see Paul reveal the reality that relationships that are controlled and influenced by the Holy Spirit are marked by an attitude of gratitude. As a result of Jesus willingness to enter into humanity and allow Himself to be treated as though He lived our selfish and sinful life so God the Father could treat us as though we lived Jesus perfect life, we are to respond with an attitude of gratitude that influences our relationships.

You see, all of humanity was created for relationships; we were all created for a relationship with God and for relationships with one another. And God desires that all humanity experience relationships as He designed them. Yet, so often we can often find ourselves expressing an attitude for gratitude for His material and physical blessings that He has given us, but not expressing that same attitude of gratitude for the relational blessings He has given us. And relationships that are controlled and influenced by the Holy Spirit are marked by an attitude of gratitude.

So, are you thankful for your family relationships? And just as importantly are you consistently expressing thankfulness to God for your family relationships? Because our relationships, especially our family relationships are influenced by our attitude toward those relationships.

Now here is the thing: this is one of those principles that is so easy to see in someone else’s life, but so difficult to see in the mirror. And maybe you are thinking “so Dave, let me get this straight. Because I am a follower of Jesus, my relationships, including my family relationships should be marked be conversations that encourage one another and bring glory to God. You say that my relationships should be marked by an attitude of worship toward God that values God supremely. And you say that my relationships should be marked with an attitude of gratitude toward those relationships. Dave, have you seen my family? You don’t understand my parents; you don’t understand my wife; you don’t understand my husband.”  Do you know what you are asking is almost impossible”?

Well, if you think what Paul is commanding seems to be impossible, just look at what Paul says next, in Ephesians 5:21:

and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.

And right about now, every person in this room has a mental picture of what the first three words of this verse means. In your minds the words “and be subject” have conjured up an image: an image painted by a red-faced pastor beating on a pulpit; an image painted by an abusive husband or father; an image painted by our culture that is based on what these three words mean today.

However, what these words mean today is irrelevant and the image in your mind may not be accurate. So what I am going to ask you to do is to clear your mind of that image and let’s look at what Paul meant when he wrote these three words. Can we do that? Great.

The phrase “be subject”, in the language that this letter was originally written in, literally means to place oneself in a submissive role in a relationship where appropriate respect is shown to someone based on the role that they have within an ordered structure. In other words, to be subject is to willingly place ourselves under others by placing others first based on one’s role in the relationship.

For example, the catcher for the Arizona Diamondbacks places himself under the manager of the Diamondbacks. Because the manager has been given the role of leading the team, for the team to be successful, the catcher is to demonstrate the appropriate respect for the manager and place himself under his leadership. The manager has a role and responsibility and the catcher has a role and responsibility as part of the team. Conflict within the team can occur when either the player or the manager do not function within their roles on the team.

Now notice who Paul says we are to be subject to: we are to be subject to one another. In other words, we are to place ourselves under others by placing others first that demonstrates respect toward one another based on the nature of our relationship. Paul then explains that the reason why we are to place ourselves under others by placing others first that demonstrates respect toward one another is out of the fear of Christ.

Now when Paul uses the word fear here, he is not referring to the fear that we experience while watching a horror movie. This fear refers to having a reverent respect that results in submission and obedience to someone. You see, when we willingly place ourselves under others by placing others first when it comes to our relationships, we are demonstrating a reverent respect for God’s desire and design for our relationships. God has a design for relationships. God has designed specific roles within relationships and God has designed specific goals that those relationships are to accomplish.

And that is why this timeless principle that we are looking at is so important. Because our relationships are influenced by what influences us, for us to experience relationships as God designed them to be experienced requires that we be influenced by God’s Spirit. You see, the reason that the phrase be subject can cause such resistance and pushback is because, for many of us, we have either experienced this principle abused in past relationships or we selfishly do not want to place ourselves under others by placing others first.

Apart from Jesus work on the cross and the Holy Spirit’s activity in our lives, our hearts do not naturally lean in this direction, do they? Is it our natural tendency to wake up every morning focused on having relationships marked by conversations that encourage one another and bring glory to God? Is it our natural tendency to wake up every morning focused on having relationships marked with an attitude of gratitude toward those relationships? Is it our natural tendency to wake up every morning focused on having relationships where we place ourselves under others by placing others first?

You see it is only through the influence and control of the Holy Spirit that we can experience the relationships that we were created for. Because our relationships are influenced by what influences us. And that is especially the case when it comes to family relationships. Because it is in our family relationships where what is truly inside us is most often revealed and exposed, isn’t it?

So, here is a question to consider: what influences your relationships? Who are the people and what information and ideas are informing and influencing how you view your relationships?

Because our relationships are influenced by what influences us… 

Our relationships are influenced by what influences us...

This week we are looking at a section of a letter in the New Testament of the Bible, called the book of Ephesians, where the Apostle Paul commanded the members of the church at Ephesus, and followers of Jesus throughout history, to “be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise”. If Paul was to make this command to us in the language we use in our culture today, this command would sound something like this: “carefully consider and take note about how you are conducting your life. Carefully consider how you are living your life”. 

Paul basically said to the members of the church at Ephesus “there is divine wisdom and understanding that is available to you, so make sure that you are living your life in a way that is exercising that divine wisdom and discernment.” Paul then explained that the harsh reality is that life on earth is filled with plenty of activities and relationships that are morally and socially damaging and destructive.

 And because of that reality, in verse 17, Paul commands the members of the church at Ephesus and followers of Jesus throughout history to “do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.” Instead of living life in a way that consistently disregards reality, Paul commands that we understand what the will of the Lord is. When you see the word will in our Bibles, most often this word refers to God’s desires for one’s life. You see, God has a desire for how He would like me to live my life in relationship with Him and one another. And God has a desire for how he would like you to live your life in relationship with Him and one another.

And as we will see in this series, God has a desire for how we are to live in our family relationships. The letters that make up the Bible clearly provide for us God’s desire and design for families and for family relationships. But before revealing God’s desire and design for family relationships, Paul makes a statement that reveals for us a timeless principle about relationships. So let’s look at that statement together, which is found in Ephesians 5:18:

And do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but

be filled with the Spirit,

In this verse, we see the Apostle Paul paint for us a timeless word picture that reveals a timeless truth about relationships: “Do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit”. To help us wrap our minds around what Paul is communicating here, let me share a story that vividly illustrates this word picture.

My freshman year in college, after a home football game, I gave a teammate a ride back to Indianapolis so that he could visit his family. Now by the time we left campus and made it to Indianapolis, it was already past midnight. My teammate lived in one of the tougher sections of the city. After dropping him off, as I waited at an intersection on my way back to the freeway, I watched as a very large and very drunk man stumbled to my car. As the man approached, I noticed that the front of his pants were soaked with urine. The man then reached my car, leaned across the hood, and proceeded to throw up all over the windshield and front of the car. After throwing up all over my car, the man then mumbled something and finished stumbling across the intersection and down the street.

Now if the Apostle Paul was riding shotgun with me on that trip, he would have called that man’s behavior dissipation. This word means to live a life that is of reckless abandon that is a waste. Instead of living according to God’s design and desire, this man’s reckless abandon resulted in a life that was wasting away toward destruction.

Paul then contrasts the life of reckless abandon of a drunken man with someone who is filled with the Spirit. The Spirit here refers to the Holy Spirit. Paul’s point here is that we are to carefully consider our lives when it comes to what controls and influences their lives. Instead of being controlled by something that results in a life marked by reckless abandon and that wastes opportunities to live wisely in relationship with God and others, as followers of Jesus, we are to live a life that is controlled and influenced by the Holy Spirit.

And it is in this word picture that we see the Apostle Paul reveal a foundational and timeless principle that impacts our relationships. And that timeless principle is this: Our relationships are influenced by what influences us. The timeless reality is that the level of health in our relationships is directly impacted by what influences or controls us. Whether you are a follower of Jesus not, your relationships are influenced by what influences you. Relationships do not occur in a vacuum; in every relationship there are external and internal forces at work in your life that influence the health of the relationships in your life.

And here we see the Apostle Paul reveal for us the reality that to have the relationships that God desires and designed for us, especially when it comes to family relationships, require that we live a life that is influenced and controlled by the Spirit of God.         Now as you hear that last statement, a natural pushback that some of you may be feeling may be “well Dave, are you saying that only Christians can have healthy relationships? Because I know many Christians that have messed up family relationships and I know many people who are not Christians that have good relationships.”

And I would respond by saying you are exactly right. There are followers of Jesus whose family and other relationships are marked by unhealthy tension and conflict. And there are those who reject the claims of Christ and the message of the gospel that have what would be described as good relationships. My response to this reality is this; we can have good relationships and still not experience that relationship as God desires and designs it to be. And in many cases, there are relationships that are influenced by good things, yet those relationships are not influenced by God things. And this reality reinforces the timeless principle that our relationships are influenced by what influences us.

Now a second question that arises here is “what does a relationship that is influenced and controlled by the Holy Spirit look like? And how do I know if my relationships are influenced and controlled by the Holy Spirit?” That is a great question.

And regardless of whether you are a follower of Jesus or not, a person can look at their relationships and the relationships of those around them and begin to recognize what influences and controls those relationships. And in the verses that follow, we see Paul begin to unpack four specific evidences that appear in relationships that are controlled and influenced by the Holy Spirit.

Tomorrow, we will look at these verses together...

Are there days where your family relationships are in a daze?

As we begin the month of June, as a culture we are entering a time of the year that emphasizes family celebration. A few weeks ago, we celebrated Mother’s Day. In a few weeks, we will celebrate Father’s Day. And during the summer, families will often strive to take a family vacation and engage in other activities as families.

Yet so often, when we think about families, when we think about family relationships, we can find ourselves thinking of family days as family d.a.z.e. As parents, we can feel like we are walking through life dazed and confused by the actions of our children. As students transition to a new grade, to a new school, or to a new chapter of their lives, they can find themselves in a daze of fear and uncertainty. And as married couples, we can feel like we are walking though life dazed and confused as a result of unresolved conflict and unmet expectations in our relationships.

So at the church where I serve, during the next few weeks, we are going to spend our time together in a sermon series entitled family daze to family days. During this series, we are going to spend our time together looking at a section of a letter that a man named Paul wrote to an early church, called the Book of Ephesians. And it is in this letter that we see Paul explain to this church and to us here today, God’s desire and design for family relationships.

And as we go through this series, our hope and our prayer is that God would move by the power of the Holy Spirit in our heads, hearts, and hands to equip and empower us to move our families from a place of dazed conflict and confusion to a place where we would experience the family relationships that God has created and called us to experience. So this week we are going to jump into the book of Ephesians, beginning in Ephesians 5:15:

Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil. So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.

Paul begins this section of his letter by commanding the members of the church at Ephesus, and followers of Jesus throughout history, to “be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise”. If Paul was to make this command to us in the language we use in our culture today, this command would sound something like this: “carefully consider and take note about how you are conducting your life. Carefully consider how you are living your life”. 

Paul then makes a contrast between someone who conducts their life in an unwise manner as opposed to someone who conducts their life in a wise manner. When Paul refers to an unwise person, he is referring to a person who does not exercise the proper discernment or wisdom when it comes to how they live their lives. By contrast, a wise person here refers to someone who lives their life applying the understanding and wisdom that comes from God.

Paul here is basically saying to the members of the church at Ephesus “there is divine wisdom and understanding that is available to you, so make sure that you are living your life in a way that is exercising that divine wisdom and discernment.” Paul then provides the reason why they were to access and exercise this divine wisdom in verse 16. The phrase making the most of your time literally means to gain an advantage or opportunity.

In other words, followers of Jesus are to take every advantage and every opportunity to avoid what would be unwise. As followers of Jesus, we are to take advantage of every opportunity to live wisely because the days are evil.  The harsh reality is that life on earth is filled with plenty of activities and relationships that are morally and socially damaging and destructive.

I mean, it is not hard to get involved in relationships or activities that are unwise, is it? And as parents is that not one of our greatest fears when it comes to our children? And students, is that not one of your greatest fears when it comes to the relationships that you have with your friends?

And because of that reality, in verse 17, Paul commands the members of the church at Ephesus and followers of Jesus throughout history to “do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.” When Paul uses the word fool here, it refers to someone who lacks good judgment. This word also conveys the sense of disregarding reality. In the Bible, a fool is a person who knows something is true yet proceeds to live life as though it is not true. A fool is a person who says “I know the law of gravity is true” then proceeds to step off a ten-story building.

Instead of living life in a way that consistently disregards reality, Paul commands that we understand what the will of the Lord is. When you see the word will in our Bibles, most often this word refers to God’s desires for one’s life. You see, God has a desire for how He would like me to live my life in relationship with Him and one another. And God has a desire for how he would like you to live your life in relationship with Him and one another.

And as we will see in this series, God has a desire for how we are to live in our family relationships. The letters that make up the Bible clearly provide for us God’s desire and design for families and for family relationships. But before revealing God’s desire and design for family relationships, Paul makes a statement that reveals for us a timeless principle about relationships.

Tomorrow, we will look at that statement together...

Conflict in marriage is not something to go through: Conflict in marriage is something to grow through in order to build trust with one another as we become more like Jesus...

This week we have been looking at answering the question “How are we to handle conflict in marriage?”  by looking at a section of a letter that is recorded for us in the New Testament of the Bible called the book of Ephesians. So far this week, we have seen the Apostle Paul reveal the reality that in our marriages, which are to be a word picture to the world of the love that Jesus has for His followers, we are to lay aside a lifestyle of falsehood in order to live a life that is marked by truth in our marriages.

We have seen the Apostle Paul reveal the reality that in our marriages, which are to be a word picture to the world of the love that Jesus has for His followers, we are to respond in anger to the right things and respond in anger to the right things in the right way. We have seen Paul reveal for us the reality that, while we may not be able to resolve the conflict fully, we are to deal with the anger that the conflict has produced in us in a timely manner.

We have seen the Apostle Paul reveal the reality that in our marriages, which are to be a word picture to the world of the love that Jesus has for His followers, we are to strive to live lives of honesty, integrity and generosity when it comes to how we treat our spouse. We have seen the Apostle Paul reveal the reality that in our marriages, which are to be a word picture to the world of the love that Jesus has for His followers, we are to rid ourselves of words that tear one another down and replace those words with words that build one another up. We are to speak words that are useful in building one another up. And we are to speak words that are beneficial to one another.

We have seen the Apostle Paul reveal the reality that in our marriages, which are to be a word picture to the world of the love that Jesus has for His followers, we are to rid ourselves of the attitudes and actions that either insult or offend the Holy Spirit. Today, we will see Paul reveal for us two additional commands along with the timeless answer to the question “How do we handle conflict in marriage?” Paul provides a sixth command in Ephesians 5:31:

             Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and

             slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

Here we see the Apostle Paul command the members of the church at Ephesus to rid themselves of six different attitudes and actions that demonstrate hostility against others. First, Paul commanded the members of the church to rid themselves of bitterness, which is a state of animosity towards others. Paul then commanded the members of the church to rid themselves of wrath, which is a state of intense displeasure or rage against others. Third, Paul commanded the members of the church to rid themselves of anger against others.

Paul then commanded the members of the church to rid themselves of clamor. Now the word clamor refers to a loud cry or shout. In other words, Paul is commanding the members of the church to stop shouting at one another. Fifth, Paul commanded the members of the church to rid themselves of slander, which is abusive speech that denigrates and defames others. And sixth, Paul commanded the members of the church to rid themselves of malice, which is a mean spirited or vicious attitude or disposition against others.

You see, Paul wanted the members of the church at Ephesus to rid themselves of their old nature that was marked by a lifestyle of hostility against others. And in the same way today, in our marriages, which are to be a word picture to the world of the love that Jesus has for His followers, we are to rid ourselves of hostility, animosity, rage, anger, and shouting at others, along with abusive speech that defames, and a mean-spirited attitude toward our spouses.

So here is a question to consider:  Is the conflict that you experience in marriage marked by an attitude of hostility and animosity against others? Do your words and actions often match what the Apostle Paul is talking about here? We see Paul's seventh command to the members of the church at Ephesus in verse 32:

             Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each

             other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Now when Paul commands the members of the church at Ephesus to forgive each other, this word in the language that this letter was originally written in, literally means to show oneself gracious by forgiving wrongdoing. So Paul’s command here, if communicated in the language we use in our culture today, would have sounded something like this: Be kind to one another with a soft heart towards others, and make sure that you are willing to extend grace and forgive the wrongdoing that others have done to you”.

Now a natural objection that often arises when it comes to the issue of forgiveness in marital conflict usually sounds something like this: “Well Dave you do not know my story. You do not know what has been done to me by my spouse. You do not understand how I have been wronged by my spouse. So how can you expect me to forgive my spouse in light of all the wrong that has been done to me”. If those objections are running through your mind, I just want to let you know that you are not the only person what have had that objection.

We see the Apostle Paul’s response to that potential objection revealed with the reason why we are to extend grace and forgive the wrongdoing that others have done to you: just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Paul basically says to the members of the church at Ephesus “So you do not want to forgive others for the wrongdoing that they have done to you. So you want God to forgive you but you are not willing to forgive others? Are you perfect? Well, do you want God to take that same approach when it comes to the wrongdoing that you have done to Him and others?”

Here we see Paul reveal for us the reality that forgiven people forgive. You see, forgiveness is giving up your right to be right and trusting in the just God of justice to deal with the injustice that occurred against you. And just as God has forgiven you for your selfishness and rebellion against Him, we are to forgive others for the wrong that is done to us. And in the same way today, in our marriages, which are to be a word picture to the world of the love that Jesus has for His followers, we are to demonstrate a kind and soft heart toward our spouse that extends the grace and forgiveness that we have received from Jesus to them.

So here is a question to consider:  When you experience conflict in your marriage, is your response to demonstrate unkind, hardhearted and unforgiving attitude toward your spouse? Or are you responding to conflict in your marriage by demonstrating a kind, softhearted, and forgiving attitude toward others? Because, the timeless reality is that forgiven people forgive.

And it is in this section of this letter that we see the Apostle Paul reveal for answer to the question “How are we to handle conflict in marriage?” And that timeless answer is this: Conflict in marriage is not something to go through: Conflict in marriage is something to grow through in order to build trust with one another as we become more like Jesus.  

You see, whether you buy the whole Jesus, Bible, church thing or not, conflict is not something to simply go through. Instead, conflict is something that God uses to grows us into the image of His Son Jesus as we go through that conflict. And the timeless reality is that conflict is the crucible by which we build trust in our relationships with others.

And nowhere is that reality more evident than in a marriage relationship. You see, we build trust in marriage when we engage in conflict in a way that is marked by truth. We build trust in marriage when we engage in conflict in a way that is marked by the right response to anger. We build trust in marriage when we engage in conflict in a way that is marked by integrity and generosity when how it comes to how we live our lives in the workplace and at home. We build trust in marriage when we engage in conflict in a way that is marked by helpful words and a helpful attitude towards our spouse. We build trust in marriage when we engage in conflict in a way that is marked a lifestyle that forgives others as we have been forgiven.

So here is a question for us to consider: How have you been viewing conflict in your marriage? Do you view the conflict in your marriage as something you got to go through? Or do you view the conflict in your marriage as something that you get to grow through? Are you engaging in conflict in a way that is building trust with your spouse? Or are you engaging in conflict in a way that is destroying trust with your spouse?

Because, as we have seen, Conflict in marriage is not something to go through: Conflict in marriage is something to grow through in order to build trust with one another as we become more like Jesus…

Handling Conflict in Marriage...

This week we are asking and answering the question " How are we to handle conflict in marriage?”  by looking at a section of a letter that is preserved and recorded for us in the New Testament of the Bible called the book of Ephesians. Yesterday, in Ephesians 4:25-27, we saw the Apostle Paul reveal the reality that, in our marriages, which are to be a word picture to the world of the love that Jesus has for His followers, we are to lay aside a lifestyle of falsehood in order to live a life that is marked by truth in our marriages.

In addition, we saw the Apostle Paul reveal the reality that in our marriages, which are to be a word picture to the world of the love that Jesus has for His followers, we are to respond in anger to the right things and respond in anger to the right things in the right way. In addition, we are to deal with their anger in a timely manner that does not let anger fester and that does not give the devil and chance to exert his influence as a result of our festering anger.

While we may not be able to resolve the conflict fully, we are to deal with the anger that the conflict has produced in us in a timely manner. Today, we will see Paul make three more commands to the members of the church at Ephesus that help answer the question "How do we handle conflict in marriage?" We see the first command in Ephesians 5:28:

             He who steals must steal no longer; but rather he must

             labor, performing with his own hands what is good, so

             that he will have something to share with one who has

             need.

Now verse 28, if communicated in the language we use in our culture today, would have sounded something like this: "Those of you who are stealing at work need to stop taking what does not belong to you. Instead, you need exert yourself to work hard to accomplish something of worth that benefits your employer and will provide you the opportunity to be generous to those who are in need". You see, Paul wanted the members of the church at Ephesus to rid themselves of  their old nature that was marked by dishonesty and robbery in the workplace in order to put on our new nature that reflected their identity as being aligned with a lifestyle of honesty and integrity in the workplace.

And in the same way today, just like in our places of employment, in our marriages, which are to be a word picture to the world of the love that Jesus has for His followers, we are to strive to live lives of honesty, integrity and generosity when it comes to how we treat our spouse.

So here is a question to consider: Are you experiencing conflict in your marriage as a result of a lifestyle that is marked by dishonesty at work and at home? Are you stealing stuff from your employer? Are you stealing time from your employer? Or are you living a lifestyle that is marked by integrity and generosity in the workplace and at home? Paul then provides a fourth command to the members of the church at Ephesus in verse 29:

            Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, 

            but only such a word as is good for edification according

            to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to

            those who hear.

When Paul uses the word unwholesome here, this word refers to that which is bad or unwholesome to the extent of being harmful or evil. So Paul here is commanding the members of the church at Ephesus to rid themselves of using words that were harmful and hurtful to others. Instead, Paul commands the members of the church at Ephesus to use words that are good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Now the word edification literally means to build something up.

In other words, Paul is commanding the members of the church at Ephesus to use words that built others up when they were in need of those words. Paul is commanding the members of the church at Ephesus to use words that build others up in a way that benefited and extended favor to others. And in the same way today, in our marriages, which are to be a word picture to the world of the love that Jesus has for His followers, we are to rid ourselves of words that tear one another down and replace those words with words that build one another up. We are to speak words that are useful in building one another up. And we are to speak words that are beneficial to one another.

So here is a question to consider:  When you experience conflict in your marriage, is that conflict marked by harmful and hurtful words that tear others down? Are you sarcastic, even caustic with your words? Or are you striving to engage in conflict in a way that uses helpful words that build others? We see Paul's fifth command to the members of the church at Ephesus in verse 30:

             Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were

             sealed for the day of redemption.

Now what I found so interesting here is that the word grieved here, in the language that this letter was originally written in means to vex, irritate, offend, or insult. You see, the Holy Spirit is not an impersonal force. Instead the Holy Spirit is a person who you can insult and offend. So Paul here is commanding the members of the church at Ephesus to not insult or offend the Holy Spirit.

Paul then reminds the members of the church at Ephesus that the Holy Spirit sealed them, or identified them, as being followers of Jesus who were Jesus own possession. You see, in a sense, God the Father has put us on lay away. And as a deposit toward the full payment, we have received the Holy Spirit, until the day when God brings us into the fullness of the relationship that we were created for with Him in Heaven. That is what Paul is referring to when he uses the phrase "by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption."

You see, Paul wanted the members of the church at Ephesus to rid themselves of their old nature that was marked by a lifestyle that offended the Holy Spirit. And in the same way today, in our marriages, which are to be a word picture to the world of the love that Jesus has for His followers, we are to rid ourselves of the attitudes and actions that either insult or offend the Holy Spirit.

So here is a question to consider:  Does how you engage in conflict in your marriage insults and offend the Holy Spirit? Does your attitude when it comes to conflict insult and offend the Holy Spirit? Do your words and actions when you are engaged in conflict insult and offend the Holy Spirit?