Embracing our identity as a follower of Jesus as a parent...

This week we are looking at a section of a letter that is recorded for us in the New Testament of the Bible called the book of Ephesians. Yesterday, we looked on as the Apostle Paul revealed for us a timeless truth when it comes to how a child's unique identity as a follower of Jesus impacts their role and responsibility within a family relationship in that embracing our identity as a follower of Jesus as a child by following the leadership of your parents will influence how you will follow leadership in the future.

We talked about the reality that no matter how old you become, no matter how smart or strong you become, no matter how much money you make, there will always be someone who is in leadership and authority over you. There is always someone in our lives that we are responsible to report to and answer to when it comes to our attitude and actions. And a child's willingness to embrace their identity as a follower of Jesus as a child by placing themselves under the leadership of their parents will influence and impact their willingness to place themselves under the leadership and authority of teachers, employers, and other authority figures in the future.

Today, we will see Paul, as he concludes this section of his letter, turn his attention to the roles and responsibilities that parents have when it comes to their relationship with their children in Ephesians 6:4:

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Now when Paul uses the word fathers, he is not excluding mothers from what he is to say next. As we talked about earlier in this series, fathers are the first among equals in the marriage relationship and are expected to lead and model proper family relationships as an example to be followed by mothers. Paul then commands parents to not provoke their children to anger.

If Paul was writing this letter to us today in the language that we use in our culture, this command probably would sound something like this: Do not place your children in a position where they cannot win. Do not put your children in a no win situation. Parents, we all have the temptation to do this, don’t we? As parents we have all the power and we can pull almost all the strings. We have the strings to the checkbook; the car; the TV; to technology; to privileges; and to the freedom that children desire. We have a great deal of control over our children; we are bigger, stronger, and control all the levers.

And because we have all the power and control it is very easy to abuse our power and control in a way that our children feel like they are in a no win situation. And as children feel like they are in a no win situation, there is nothing that they can do to be right. And just like us adults, when children feel that they are in a no-win situation where nothing they do is right, they will lash out in a way that creates conflict, stress and strain in our family relationships.

But parents, here’s the thing; parenting, by very definition is the God-ordained loss of control. I mean, do we not want our children to grow up so that they would be able to navigate and function in society as a healthy functioning member of society. That is the point and goal of parenting, isn’t it?

And as our children get older we gradually begin to lose the power and control over our children that we once had. When our children are infants and small children, we have almost total control of their lives; we control what and when they eat and sleep. We control what they wear and watch. However, as children grow and mature physically, emotionally and spiritually, we gradually begin to lose control, don’t we? Children begin to have their own thoughts and desires. Children begin to question decisions with perspectives that show increasing maturity.

And as we sense that we are beginning to lose the control that we once had, parents are faced with a decision: do I attempt to parent and lead my children by means of control or by means of influence. And our tendency and temptation is to attempt to keep and maintain the same level of control that we have always had. But as we attempt to cling to that control, we begin to experience conflict with our children that strain our relationships. And it is those very conflicts that result in us as parents losing the very influence to speak into the lives of our children at the very time that they need our influence the most.

Instead of provoking our children to anger; instead of putting our children in no win situations, Paul commands parents to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. What is so interesting here is that the phrase “bring them up” is the same phrase that we looked at last week in Ephesians 5:29 that described how husbands were to provide for the care and the comfort of their wives. And in a similar way, parents are to create a family environment where children are able to grow and mature into all that God has created and called them to be.

Paul then explains that how parents are to create a family environment that promotes the growth and good of children is through the discipline and instruction of the Lord. The word discipline, in the language that this letter was originally written in, refers to the act of providing guidance for responsible living. By contrast, when Paul uses the word instruction here, he is referring to a parents need to counsel their children about avoiding or stopping behavior that is improper or inappropriate.

In other words, parents are to guide and influence our children so that they would live in the relationship with God and in relationship with others that God designed them to live. Parents have been given the role and responsibility to guide and influence their children in a manner that they would live a life in the relationship with God and one another that they were created for. In addition, parents have been given the role and responsibility to guide and influence their children to avoid the landmines that selfishness, sin, and the devil place in their path.

And it is here that we see the Apostle Paul reveal for us a timeless truth when it comes to how a parent's unique identity as a follower of Jesus impacts their role and responsibility within a family relationship. And that timeless truth is this: Embracing our identity as a follower of Jesus as a parent will impact our ability to influence our children. As parents, our ability to influence our children is based on the depth of our relationship with our children. And this is why the issue of control and influence is so, so, so important when it comes to our role and responsibility as parents.

You see parents, here is the thing; we will be unable to be able to guide and influence our children as they grow and mature if we choose to cling to the concept of parenting by control. Now the reason why parenting by control results in a loss of influence is twofold. First, while parenting by control can produce external obedience, it does not result in heart transformation. While parenting by control addresses the “what” of a child’s behavior, it fails to address the “why” of a child’s behavior. And it is the “why” of a child’s behavior that reveals the heart attitudes and motivations.

Second, as your child grows, you no longer are able to exercise control because you are bigger and smarter. And because of that reality, we can find ourselves attempting to exercise control through manipulation, which children see right through and resent. And soon, children find themselves in the place of being in a no win situation that produces, conflict stress, and strife. And the result is a gradual destruction of the depth and quality of our relationship with our children.

At some point, as parents, we need to recognize that our children have come to place in their lives in terms of their physical, emotional, and spiritual maturity that requires a shift from parenting by control to parenting by influence. What makes this so difficult, however, is that no two children are the same. Children mature at different rates, so the decision as to when to shift from control to influence will be different for each and every child.

And parents just as God will not hold you responsible or accountable for how your children respond to the role and responsibility of leadership that you have been given, God will hold you 100% accountable for how you lead and influence your children. And our decision when it comes to choosing to parent by control or influence will impact the amount of influence we have with our children.

When we choose to parent strictly by control, we can find ourselves in a place where we gradually begin to erode the relationship we have with our children. A place where we so erode the relationship that we have with our children that we end up losing our ability to guide and lead our children at the very time in their lives when they need our guidance and influence the most. You see, the time in our children’s lives where they will be making the biggest decisions in their lives; decisions about colleges; decisions about careers; decisions about marriage and family; these are the times where we have the least control.

And these are the very times when we need to have the most influence in their lives. Yet when we fail to move from parenting by control to parenting by influence as our children grow we can so erode our relationship with our children that we end up having the least amount of influence when our children need it the most. And embracing our identity as a follower of Jesus as a parent will impact our ability to influence our children. Because as parents, our ability to influence our children is based on the depth of our relationship with our children.

So here are some questions to consider: students, children, how are you doing when it comes to willingly place yourselves under the leadership and authority of your parents?  Because children, embracing our identity as a follower of Jesus as a child by following the leadership of your parents will influence how you will follow leadership in the future. How you respond to your parents leadership and authority will influence and impact how you will respond to the leadership and authority of teachers, employers, and other authority figures in the future.

And parents, how well are you dealing with the tension that comes from parenting by control or influence? Are you provoking your children to anger? Are you placing your children in no win situations that result in conflict that is gradually eroding your relationship with them? Because embracing our identity as a follower of Jesus as a parent will impact our ability to influence our children. As parents, our ability to influence our children is based on the depth of our relationship with our children. 

Embracing our identity as a follower of Jesus as a child...

At the church where I serve, we have been spending our time together at a letter that is recorded for us in the New Testament of our Bibles called the book of Ephesians. And as we look at this letter, our hope and our prayer has been that God would enable us to see our true identity, the identity that He designed us to live in, so that we would live our day to day lives in light of our true identity.

This week, I would like for us to pick up where we left off last week. And as we jump back into the next section of this letter that the Apostle Paul wrote to early followers of Jesus at the church at Ephesus, we will see the Apostle Paul focus on the dynamic, or sometimes just the dynamite, that describes the relationships that occur between parents and children in families.

For the past twenty seven years, I have had the privilege of working with students and families in a variety of roles. And during my time working at a juvenile jail, as a probation officer supervising troubled teenagers, as a Student Ministries Pastor serving Jr. High, Sr. High and College aged students, or now in my current role as Pastor, I have experienced a common theme or thread that runs through the conflict and struggles that many families experience.

And that common theme and thread is this: much of the conflict that families experience between parents and children is the result of individuals within the family failing to live out their identity when it comes to their roles and responsibilities within the family. You have to look no further than popular culture to see this play out.

In the last several years, we have seen several very public cases where celebrity’s lives have run off the rails while their parents attempt to be their child’s B.F.F. and Facebook buddy, happily club-hopping and dancing on tables with their children in an attempt to relive their childhood identity. And we have also seen increasing instances in our culture where children are in essence parenting their younger brothers, sisters, and even parents as a result of parents who are ill equipped, unprepared, and unwilling to be parents.

So this week I would like for us to discover how our identity as a follower of Jesus impacts the roles and responsibilities that parents and children have within family relationships. And as we look at next section of a letter that the Apostle Paul wrote to the church of Ephesus, we will discover two timeless and powerful truths, one for children and one for parents, that will enable us to see our true identity, the identity that He designed us to live in, so that we would live our day to day lives in light of our true identity. So let’s look at this section of this letter together, beginning in Ephesians 6:1:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER (which is the first commandment with a promise), SO THAT IT MAY BE WELL WITH YOU, AND THAT YOU MAY LIVE LONG ON THE EARTH.

Paul begins this section of his letter to the church at Ephesus by addressing the roles and responsibilities that children have when it comes to God’s design for family relationships. Paul commands children to obey your parents in the Lord. Now when Paul uses the word obey here, this word, in the language that this letter was originally written in, not only means to follow instructions.

In addition, this word conveys the sense of being subject to one who has a position of leadership and authority. Paul’s point here is that children are to willingly place themselves under the leadership of their parents in a way that follows their leadership. Children are to obey their parent in the Lord. In other words, children are to willingly place themselves under their parent’s leadership in the same manner that they are to place themselves under the leadership of Jesus.

Now a natural question that has arisen in the hearts and minds of children throughout history when it comes to obeying our parent’s instructions can be summarized in a simple three letter word: “why”? The Apostle Paul, anticipating this question, provides the answer for us by stating for this is right. This phrase reveals the reality that just like the other relationships within a family, children have certain obligations and responsibilities that God desires to be met when it comes to the family.

God has a design for family relationships and part of His design is that children willing place themselves under their parent’s leadership and authority. Paul then reinforces why it is right for children to willingly place themselves under their parents leadership by pointing back to one of God’s commands to the Jewish people which is recorded for us in another letter in our Bible called the book of Exodus.

In Exodus 20:12, as part of the Ten Commandments, we see God command the Jewish people to honor their father and mother. Now when the Bible talks about honoring someone, it is the idea of showing a high regard or respect for someone. Paul quotes this commandment to reveal for us the reality that when children willingly place themselves under their parent’s leadership and authority we are fulfilling this commandment by showing them the regard and respect that they deserve as parents.

The Apostle Paul then explains that this is the first of the Ten Commandments that is accompanied by a promise. In other words, our positive response of following this commandment results in a promise fulfilled by God. The promise that God attaches to this command is twofold and is revealed for us in verse 3.

First, Paul explains that children are to live their lives in a way that shows regard and respect for their parents by willingly placing themselves under their leadership so that it may be well with you. And children, we know this to be true don’t we?  When we respect our parents and follow their instructions, things tend to go much smoother at home don’t they? There is less fighting, there is less yelling, and there is less nagging. Children and students, if you are not sure that this is the case, I have an experiment for you to do this week to test God’s promise; whenever your parents ask you to do something, just say o.k. and do it the first time. See what happens. See whether or not it will be well with you.

Second, Paul explains that children are to live in a way that shows regard and respect for their parents by willingly placing themselves under their leadership that you may live long on the earth. Now a natural temptation is to view this statement in a similar way to what I occasionally experienced when I did not show my parents respect or follow their instructions. Occasionally, when I failed to follow the instructions of my parents or showed disrespect to them, my father would say “just remember I brought you into this world and I can take you out of this world”.

Maybe some of us still hear our parents say something like that to us. And while that statement was true, that is not all that Paul is reminding us of here. Paul is not simply talking about the quantity or length of our years on earth. Paul is also reminding us of the reality that the quality or how well our years go on earth are connected to how we respond to our parents leadership and authority.

And it is here that we see the Apostle Paul reveal for us a timeless truth when it comes to how a child's unique identity as a follower of Jesus impacts their role and responsibility within a family relationship. And that timeless truth is this: Embracing our identity as a follower of Jesus as a child by following the leadership of your parents will influence how you will follow leadership in the future.

Children and students, here’s the thing; no matter how old you become, no matter how smart or strong you become, no matter how much money you make, there will always be someone who is in leadership and authority over you. If you do not think that is the case, just look at the lives and listen to the conversations of the adults who exercise leadership within your family, whether it is your parents, your grandparents, or other relatives. There is always someone in our lives that we are responsible to report to and answer to when it comes to our attitude and actions.

And your willingness to embrace your identity as a follower of Jesus as a child by placing yourselves under the leadership of your parents will influence and impact your willingness to place yourself under the leadership of others in the future. Your willingness to embrace your identity as a follower of Jesus as a child by placing yourselves under the leadership and authority of your parents in a way that regards and respects them will influence and impact how you will respond to the leadership and authority of teachers, employers, and other authority figures in the future.

Now, children and students, just like the men last week, and just like the ladies two weeks ago, you may be pushing back by thinking “but Dave you don’t know my mom. You don’t know my dad. You do not know how they treat me. Paul would not have written that if he knew my parents”.

My response would be yes he would have, because this has absolutely nothing to do with your parents. And this has everything to do with you. You see I have some good news and some bad news for. The good news is that God will not hold you responsible or accountable for how good or bad your parents are. God will deal with your parents on how your parents treat you.

The bad news is that God will hold you 100% accountable for how you treat your parents. And how you choose to treat your parent’s sets in place patterns that you will follow the rest of your life. Because your willingness to embrace your identity as a follower of Jesus as a child by following the leadership of your parents will influence how you will follow leadership in the future.        

Tomorrow, we will see Paul turn his attention to the roles and responsibilities that parents have when it comes to their relationship with their children…

Does God's Design For Marriage Relationships Matter?

This week, we have been looking at a section of a letter in the New Testament of the Bible called the book of Ephesians. Wednesday, we saw the Apostle Paul reveal for us the timeless truth that embracing our identity as a follower of Jesus in marriage will lead husbands to willingly embrace our leadership responsibilities.

 Just as it was for the members of the church at Ephesus, just as it has been for followers of Jesus throughout history, our identity as a follower of Jesus in marriage leads husbands to willingly embrace our leadership responsibilities.  

We saw Paul reveal for us the reality that Jesus never asks us to do something He has not already done. Jesus died on the cross for your selfish rebellion and sin. And He was fully aware of your rebellion when He selflessly and sacrificially loved you to the cross. And He expects husbands to reflect that selfless and sacrificial love to your wife.

However, all men throughout history have a tendency to be either cowards or chauvinists. That is why, as we talked about three weeks ago, our identity as a follower of Jesus requires that we live lives that are controlled and influenced by the Holy Spirit. In order to live a life that reveals and reflects our identity as a follower of Jesus, we must live lives that are controlled and influenced by the Holy Spirit, because the timeless reality is that we are influenced by what influences us. It is the Holy Spirit that empowers us to live in light of our identity as a follower of Jesus.

Now, whether you are married or single; whether you are a man or a woman; and you may be wondering “why does God’s design for marriage even matter? What is the big deal?

I mean, why is it so important that embracing our identity as a follower of Jesus in marriage will lead husbands to willingly embrace our leadership responsibilities? Why is it so important that embracing our identity as a follower of Jesus in marriage will lead wives to willingly embrace and place themselves under a husband’s godly leadership? Sure maybe my marriage does not function like the Bible teaches, but things are o.k.”

If those are some of the thoughts that are running through your mind, I just want to let you know that those are fair questions to be asking.  We see Paul answer these questions by pointing to a second parallel that is revealed by God’s design and purpose for marriage, beginning in Ephesians 5:31:

FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH.

Here Paul is quoting Genesis 2:24, which describes the marriage relationship and the intimacy that the one flesh marriage relationship should experience. As we talked about last week, Adam and Eve were able to be totally transparent and vulnerable with one another. They were united in a one flesh relationship physically, spiritually, and emotionally as a result of their love for God and one another that viewed one another with equal value and worth.

Yet while Adam and Eve had equal value and worth in God’s creation, they had different roles and responsibilities to fulfill. Adam was to exercise the role and responsibility as first among equals by lovingly leading, providing, and protecting Eve. And Eve was to lovingly coming under and following Adam’s leadership in a way that allows for her spiritual growth and good. But notice what Paul states next in verse 32:

This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.

Now when Paul uses the word mystery here, this word refers to is a timeless truth about God and His Divine Plan that was once hidden, but now has been made known through Christ. This once hidden timeless truth about God, according to Paul is of utmost importance. He then proclaims exactly what this great mystery that has now been made known is: but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.

You see, here’s the thing: the reason why the health of you marriage is so important in God’s eyes; the reason why God has a divine design for the roles that men and women are to have within a marriage relationship; is that marriage has been divinely designed by God to be a picture on earth of the intimacy that we will have for all eternity with Jesus. Marriage was designed by God to be a word picture to the world of the vulnerability, the transparency, and the intimacy that followers of Jesus will experience for all eternity with Him.

So when we choose to reject, to rebel, to pushback against God’s design when it comes to the roles and responsibilities that men and women have in marriage, we end up portraying a false picture of the relationship that we were designed to have with God for all eternity. That is why God hates divorce.

God hates divorce because divorce mars and misrepresents the eternal covenant relationship that Jesus has with His followers. The covenant relationship that Jesus selflessly and sacrificially died for; the same selfless and sacrificial love that Paul commands husbands to love their wives with.  You see, God desires that our marriages experience a glimpse of the intimacy that we will experience for all eternity with Jesus.

But to experience that intimacy requires following God design when it comes to the roles and responsibilities we have as men and women in marriage, which is why Paul concludes this section of this letter the way he does in Ephesians 5:33:

Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

In other words, what is important and what is the point of the past two weeks is that husbands and wives faithfully live out their day to day lives in light of their identity as a follower of Jesus. Husbands are to embrace their our identity as a follower of Jesus in marriage in a way that will lead them to willingly embrace our leadership responsibilities. Wives are to embrace their identity as a follower of Jesus in marriage in a way that will lead wives to willingly embrace and place themselves under a husband’s godly leadership.

Now here is the question this morning: Who has the harder role and responsibility when it comes to marriage, the husband or the wife? The answer is both. I don’t know about you, but I find these two weeks to be incredibly challenging. It is hard for a wife to willingly place themselves under the leadership of their husbands in a way that follows their leadership in a marriage relationship. And it is hard for a husband to exercise a role of leadership and authority as first among equals by lovingly leading, providing, and protecting his wife as Christ loved the church.

That is why it is so important that our relationships be controlled and influenced by the Holy Spirit’s power, because our relationships are influenced by what influences us. And, as we have seen, the embracing of our identity as a follower of Jesus in marriage has profound implications for our relationship with God.

Because the timeless reality is that embracing our identity as a follower of Jesus in marriage will lead wives to willingly embrace and place themselves under a husband’s godly leadership. And embracing our identity as a follower of Jesus in marriage will lead husbands to willingly embrace our leadership responsibilities.

Embracing our identity as a follower of Jesus in marriage will lead husbands to willingly embrace our leadership responsibilities...

This week, we are looking at a section of a letter that is recorded for us in the Bible called the book of Ephesians. Yesterday, we saw that Apostle Paul reveal for us the reality that God commands us as husbands to love our wives the same way that Christ loved the church. Men are to selflessly and sacrificially love their wives, just as Jesus selflessly and sacrificially loved humanity all the way to the cross.

Jesus left the glory of Heaven, laid aside His position and His prominence and entered into humanity in order to live a life as a homeless man and die the most humiliating and painful death imaginable. Today, we will see Paul continue by applying Christ’s love for the church to the relationship between a husband and a wife in Ephesians 5:28-30:

So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body.

Now when Paul uses the word ought here, this word literally means to be under an obligation to meet certain expectations. And husbands, this is the obligation that we are supposed to meet: Husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies.

 Paul then makes an interesting statement that we sometimes pass by when he states that he who loves his own wife loves himself. But what does that mean? Paul here is anticipating the potential pushback these commands by drawing another parallel between a marriage relationship and the relationship that Christ has with His bride, the church. We see Paul begin to unpack this parallel in verses 29-30.

First, Paul states that, when it comes to men, no one hates his own flesh; instead they nourish it and cherish it. In the athletic culture of the city of Ephesus, the physical body was of exceptional importance. Just like today, men in the city of Ephesus trained and worked out to compete in games. And just like today, men took care of their bodies when it came to what they ate. They made sure they had the proper nourishment so that they could perform well. When Paul uses the word cherish here, this word conveys the sense of comfort.

The point that the apostle Paul is making here is that just as men intuitively take pains to provide for the care and comfort of our physical bodies, we are to do the same when it comes to how we treat our wives. Men, we are to strive to provide and we are to care about the comfort of our wives physical, emotional, relational and spiritual needs. 

Paul then explains that the reason we are to do that is because that is exactly what Christ does for His body the church. As we discovered earlier in this series, the church is divinely designed to be the vehicle that God uses to reveal Jesus to the world. Jesus Christ is the head and we are the body or the vehicle that reveals and reflects Jesus to the world. And Jesus provides and cares for the physical, emotional, relational and spiritual needs of His body, the church.

And it is here that we see that Apostle Paul reveal for us a timeless truth when it comes to how a man's unique identity as a follower of Jesus impacts his role and responsibility within a marriage relationship. And that timeless truth is this: Embracing our identity as a follower of Jesus in marriage will lead husbands to willingly embrace our leadership responsibilities.  Just as it was for the members of the church at Ephesus, just as it has been for followers of Jesus throughout history, our identity as a follower of Jesus in marriage leads husbands to willingly embrace our leadership responsibilities.  

Now, men, just like the ladies last week, you may be pushing back by thinking “but Dave you don’t know my wife. Paul would not have written that if he knew my wife”. My response would be yes he would have, because this has absolutely nothing to do with your wife. And this has everything to do with you.

You see, Jesus never asks us to do something He has not already done men. Jesus died on the cross for your selfish rebellion and sin. And He was fully aware of your rebellion when He selflessly and sacrificially loved you to the cross. And He expects you to reflect that selfless and sacrificial love to your wife.

Now ladies, you may be wondering “why doesn’t my husband love me like that”? Ladies, the reason that your husband may not love you like that is the same reason why you push back against the idea of willingly placing yourselves under your husband’s leadership in the same manner that you are to place yourself under the leadership of Jesus.

As we talked about last week, God divinely designed a marriage relationship with specific roles and responsibilities. And just like our first parents, Adam and Eve, while men and women have equal value and worth in God’s creation, men and women have different roles and responsibilities to fulfill; men, as first among equals, have been given the role and responsibility to lovingly lead, provide, and protect women in ways that are appropriate to their relationship. Women have been given the role and responsibility to willingly place themselves under male godly leadership in a way that allows for the to grow in their relationship with Jesus and to exercise the gifts that they have been given by Jesus.

However, as we looked at last week, instead of fulfilling his responsibility to lovingly, lead, protect, and provide for his wife, Adam cowardly chose to allow Eve to lead their relationship. You see, God gave His command to Adam, who was expected to lead the couple in following the command. The result was disobeying God’s command and sin entered the world and corrupted God’s design and creation.

And as a result, there are specific consequences of our first parent’s sin that lead men and women to push back against their role in marriage relationships. As a result of our first parent’s sin, all women throughout history have a natural bent and desire to rebel against and usurp God’s design for marriage relationships by attempting to exercise leadership and domination over men.

And as a result of our first parent’s sin, men throughout history have a natural bent and desire to rebel against and usurp God’s design for marriage relationships by abdicating their leadership responsibilities and instead function in one of two extremes. Apart from Jesus work on the cross and the Holy Spirit’s activity in our lives, men have a natural bent to act as either a coward or a chauvinist when it comes to their relationship with women.

Mark Driscoll has done an outstanding job of summarizing the eight most prevalent selfish and sinful stereotypes of men that act as cowards or and chauvinists in their marriage relationships. First, let’s look at the selfish rebellion by men that leads to chauvinism.

First, there is no Sissy Stuff Sam. For No Sissy Stuff Sam, being a man means not being like a woman. No Sissy Stuff Sam’s driving life philosophy is whatever women do men are to do the exact opposite. These are the guys who are in a social environment who have contests as to who can belch the loudest, drink the most beer, be the most obnoxious, kill the most people on call of duty, be the toughest, coarsest, baddest dudes in town.

Then there is Success and Status Stewart. For Success and Status Stewart, being a man is all about material success. Success and Status Stewart is driven by how many toys are in the garage, how large his house is, how much money is in the bank account. Masculinity is defined by material possessions. Unfortunately Success and Status Stewart in never around to enjoy his toys or invest in his family because he is too busy striving for position and possessions. He is unable to lead and protect his family because he is never around.

Then there is Giv’em Hell Hank. This is guy that you see yelling and berating his wife and kids. Give’em Hell Hank is angry and abusive, spending his time inflating his ego by bullying and degrading his wife and kids. Now Give’em Hell Hank would never talk to another guy the way he talks to his wife, because he would probably get a beat down. Guys, is this you? Is this how you treat your wife and children? Because if it is I have a secret for you. You may not know this, but other men don’t respect you; other men think you are a joke. Berating and abusing your wife does not get you any street cred; and it does not get you any respect; it just shows that you are a male chauvinist pig that lives a life that is exactly the opposite of how Jesus treats His bride the church.

Then there is Giv’em Hell Hank’s cousin; I’m the Boss Bob. I’m the Boss Bob is driven to be in charge of something because if you are not in charge of something you are not a man. I’m the Boss Bob is domineering and controlling. This is the guy that will walk into a church or an organization and just say “I want to be in charge of something”. And here’s the thing about him; He loves to be in authority, but hates to be under authority. He is a prideful, positional and power hungry person.

In addition, there the different, yet just as bad, selfish and sinful stereotypes of cowardice. First, there is Little Boy Larry. And unfortunately, many in the church have unintentionally produced and rewarded Little Boy Larry. Little Boy Larry is the 35 year old guy who still lives with his mother in her basement and plays X-Box all night. He’s disorganized, has no job and no real desire to get a job; instead he is looking to find a woman who will work so that he can be a stay at home dad. And so often, the church will look at Little Boy Larry and say “Well Larry is so nice, he’s such a nice little boy”. Exactly. He is still a boy at 35 who refuses to take any responsibility for his life.

Then there is Sturdy Oak Owen. Now Sturdy Oak Owen is a guy who is absolutely dependable but emotionally absent. This is the husband who comes home from work every evening, eats dinner, and then goes to the reclining chair and reads the paper for the rest of the evening and does not engage or invest in his wife or family. He does not lead the family or address concerns within the family, but abdicates that responsibility to his wife because he works hard all day. Instead of leading and investing, he cowardly hides behind his “dependability”.

The other extreme is Hyper-Spiritual Henry. Hyper Spiritual Henry is the guy that always is walking around with his Bible using it as a sledge hammer. Hyper Spiritual Henry’s wife and children are always worried in public when they are around him because he will take every opportunity to take every conversation into a doctrinal debate. The problem with Hyper Spiritual Henry is that he talks at you but not to you. He spends his time cowardly hiding behind religious behavior and God talk, which He may or may not follow. He lets his wife and children know all he knows about God, but they feel that he may not know God or them.

Finally, there is Good Time Gary. Good time Gary is the guy that women like to date but hate to marry. Good time Gary is the life of the party; he makes things exciting and interesting. But for Good time Gary life is just a party. Gary is the guy whose irresponsibility pervades every part of his life. And after a while, Gary’s cowardly avoidance of responsibility through joking and partying and goofing his way through life gets just plain old.

So men, have I just described you? Or have I just described a selfish and sinful tendency that occasionally appears in your marriage relationship? You see, all men throughout history have a tendency to be either cowards or chauvinists. That is why, as we talked about three weeks ago, our identity as a follower of Jesus requires that we live lives that are controlled and influenced by the Holy Spirit. In order to live a life that reveals and reflects our identity as a follower of Jesus, we must live lives that are controlled and influenced by the Holy Spirit, because the timeless reality is that we are influenced by what influences us. It is the Holy Spirit that empowers us to live in light of our identity as a follower of Jesus.

Now whether you are married or single; whether you are a man or a woman; and you may be wondering “why does God’s design for marriage even matter? What is the big deal? I mean, why is it so important that embracing our identity as a follower of Jesus in marriage will lead husbands to willingly embrace our leadership responsibilities? Why is it so important that embracing our identity as a follower of Jesus in marriage will lead wives to willingly embrace and place themselves under a husband’s godly leadership? Sure maybe my marriage does not function like the Bible teaches, but things are o.k.”

If those are some of the thoughts that are running through your mind, I just want to let you know that those are fair questions to be asking. 

Friday we will see Paul answer these questions…

A Challenge for the Men...

At the church where I serve, we have been looking at a letter that is recorded for us in the New Testament of our Bibles called the book of Ephesians. And as we look at this letter, our hope and our prayer has been that God would enable us to see our true identity, the identity that He designed us to live in, so that we would live our day to day lives in light of our true identity.

This week I would like for us to spend our time together by picking up where we left off last week. And as we jump back into the next section of this letter that the Apostle Paul wrote to early followers of Jesus at the church at Ephesus, I would like for us to focus like a laser beam on the men. So men, it is time for us to man up and put on our big boy pants.

I say that because, for me personally, this has been one of the most challenging sections of the Bible I have ever read. So let’s pick up where we left off last week, as Paul continues his conversation with the members of the church at Ephesus, in Ephesians 5:25:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,

Paul begins this section of his letter to the members of the church at Ephesus with a command to husbands. This is not a suggestion or a goal to strive for; this is a command: Husbands love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her”.  And here we see Paul reveal for us the reality that God commands us as husbands to love our wives the same way that Christ loved the church.

Paul is reminding the men throughout history, that they are so selflessly and sacrificially love their wives, just as Jesus selflessly and sacrificially loved humanity all the way to the cross. Jesus left the glory of Heaven, laid aside His position and His prominence and entered into humanity in order to live a life as a homeless man and die the most humiliating and painful death imaginable.

Men that is how we are to love our wives. We are to love our wives as Jesus loves His church. Paul then continues by unpacking the results that Jesus love has on His relationship with the church in verses 26-27: 

so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.

Here we see Paul reveal two specific results that Christ’s selfless and sacrificial love had when it came to His relationship with the church. First, Paul states that Jesus loved the church selflessly and sacrificially so that He might sanctify her. Now this word sanctify that Paul uses here paints for us an amazing word picture. This word literally means to include a person in the inner circle of what is holy. This is a word picture of a person who was once an outsider now being made a part of the family.

Jesus love for His church resulted in those who were once on the outside when it came to having a relationship with God now being able to be an insider and a part of the family of God as a result of Jesus life, death, and resurrection.

When Paul uses the phrase, “having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, he is reminding the members of the church at Ephesus of what occurs at baptism. The phrase with the word refers to ones confession of faith that occurs during a baptism. At baptism, one publicly identifies themselves as being a follower of Jesus. And part of that process is sharing one’s testimony of how they became a follower of Jesus.

Paul’s point here is that the church reveals and reflects the relationship with God that they were created for and brought into as a result of Jesus selfless and sacrificial love when people publicly proclaim and identify themselves through baptism with the inward transformation that has changed their lives through believing, trusting, and following Jesus.

Second, Paul states that Jesus loved the church selflessly and sacrificially so that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. In other words, Jesus love for the church was so that the church would be made glorious.

Jesus loves His church and desires that His bride the church would possess and inherent quality of splendor and purity that is extraordinary. Jesus loves the church so that the church would be without spot or stain or blemish. Jesus loves the church so that the church would be without any cracks or flaws. Jesus loves the church so that his bride the church would respond to His selfless and sacrificial love by being dedicated and devoted to Him. And Jesus loves His bride the church with the desire that His bride would respond to His love with a life that reflects His character and His conduct; a life that is faultlessly focused on pleasing Him.

Now men, here is a question for us to consider: Do we love our wives like that? Do we love our wives in a way that brings them closer to Christ? Do we treat our wives like an outsider or love them as an insider? Do we love our wives in a way that makes them glorious? 

Do we love our wives in a way that is motivated that they would become extraordinary women? Extraordinary in their spiritual splendor and purity? Do we love our wives in a way that results in pointing them to a deeper devotion to Jesus and the mission that He has given us? Do we love our wives in a way that provokes in them a desire to reveal and reflect Christ in their character and conduct?

And if those questions are not challenging enough, Paul continues by applying Christ’s love for the church even more clearly to the relationship between a husband and a wife in Ephesians 5:28-30.

We will spend our time there tomorrow…

Embracing our identity as a follower of Jesus in marriage will lead wives to willingly embrace and place themselves under a husband’s godly leadership...

This week, we have been looking at a section of a letter that is recorded for us in the Bible called the book of Ephesians. Wednesday, we talked about the reality that both men and women were created by God in His relational image and are of equal value and worth in His sight. And as a result, Adam and Eve were both naked and not ashamed because they were able to be totally transparent and vulnerable with one another. They were united in their love for God and one another and viewed one another with equal value and worth.

Yet while Adam and Eve had equal value and worth in God’s creation, they had different roles and responsibilities to fulfill; Adam was to exercise a role of leadership and authority as first among equals by lovingly leading, providing, and protecting Eve. And Eve was to lovingly coming under and following Adam’s leadership in a way that allows for her spiritual growth and good.

And just like our first parents while men and women have equal value and worth in God’s creation, men and women have different roles and responsibilities to fulfill; men are to exercise a role of leadership and authority as first among equals by lovingly leading, providing, and protecting women in ways that are appropriate to their relationship. Women are to fulfill their role in relationships by lovingly coming under and following godly male leadership in a way that allows for growth in their relationship with Christ and to exercise the gifts that God has given them.

Now a natural and great question that arises here is “well Dave if God really designed marriage relationships to be like this, then why doesn’t my husband do what he is supposed to do? Why doesn’t he lovingly, lead, protect, and provide for me?” Or you may be thinking “Well Dave, if this is the case, if this is God’s design, then why do I want to push back against this so hard?”

These are great questions to ask, and here would be my answer: We push back on this so hard just as our first parents pushed back on this truth. We see their pushback recorded for us just one chapter later, in Genesis 3:

Now the serpent was more crafty than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said to the woman, "Indeed, has God said, 'You shall not eat from any tree of the garden '?" The woman said to the serpent, "From the fruit of the trees of the garden we may eat; but from the fruit of the tree which is in the middle of the garden, God has said, 'You shall not eat from it or touch it, or you will die.'" The serpent said to the woman, "You surely will not die! "For God knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was desirable to make one wise, she took from its fruit and ate; and she gave also to her husband with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loin coverings.

Instead of fulfilling his responsibility to lovingly, lead, protect, and provide for his wife, Adam cowardly chose to allow Eve to lead their relationship. God gave His command to Adam, who was expected to lead the couple in following the commandment. The result was disobeying God’s command and sin entered the world and corrupted God’s design and creation. We see the specific consequences of our first parent’s sin that leads women to push back against their role in marriage relationships in Genesis 3:16:

To the woman He said, "I will greatly multiply Your pain in childbirth, In pain you will bring forth children; Yet your desire will be for your husband, And he will rule over you."

What is so interesting here is that this phrase “your desire will be for your husband” is not referring to a sexual or relational desire. We know that to be the case because this phrase is used just one chapter later, in Genesis chapter four. After God rejected an act of worship that was offered by Adam and Eve’s son, named Cain. Cain was very angry. He was so angry that his anger was revealed in his countenance or body language. And it is in this context that we see this phrase appear again in Genesis 4:7:

"If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it."

You see, sin was crouching at Cain’s door, desiring to dominate and manipulate Cain into rebelling against God. And in the same way, as a result of our first parent’s sin, all women throughout history have a natural bent and desire to rebel against God’s design in creation by seeking to usurp and rebel against God’s design for marriage relationships by attempting to exercise leadership and domination over men.

And as a result of our first parent’s sin, men tend to abdicate their leadership responsibilities and instead function as either cowards or chauvinists. And that is why Paul reinforces God’s design when it comes to the role and goal that a woman has in a marriage relationship with the following statement in Ephesians 5:24:

But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

Paul reinforces God’s design for women within a marriage relationship by explaining that just as followers of Jesus are to willingly place themselves under His leadership as they exist in community with one another, wives are to willingly place themselves under the leadership of their husbands in a way that follows their godly leadership in a marriage relationship. And what makes this statement even more difficult is the last two words in everything. This is not just about what occurs in the bedroom, or the laundry room. Wives are to willingly place themselves under the leadership of their husbands in every aspect of their marriage.

Now ladies, here is why this timeless truth is so, so important. This timeless truth is so, so important because Paul is revealing for us the reality that your willingness to place yourself under the leadership of Jesus will be reflected in your willingness to place yourself under your husband’s godly leadership. You see, as followers of Jesus, we can often find ourselves practically living life in this manner: God you can be large and in charge of these parts of my life, but when it comes to my money, when it comes to my habits, or when it comes to my marriage, I will be large and in charge of those parts of my life.

 However, Jesus desires to be large and in charge of every part of our lives, including our marriages. And when God created marriage, He divinely designed specific roles and goals within marriage that result in God’s glory and our good. And it is here that we see that Apostle Paul reveal for us a timeless truth when it comes to how a woman's unique identity as a follower of Jesus impacts her role and responsibility within a marriage relationship.

And that timeless truth is that embracing our identity as a follower of Jesus in marriage will lead wives to willingly embrace and place themselves under a husband’s godly leadership.  Just as it was for the members of the church at Ephesus, just as it has been for followers of Jesus throughout history, our identity as a follower of Jesus in marriage leads wives to willingly place themselves under a husbands godly leadership.

And our willingness as husbands and wives to embrace and place ourselves within those roles that flow from our identity as a follower of Jesus will have a profound impact on the depth and intimacy we have with Christ.

Our culture's confusion over what the Bible has to say about marriage, part two...

This week we are looking at a section of a letter that is recorded of us in the New Testament of the Bible called the book of Ephesians. Yesterday, we looked on as a man named Paul commanded wives to willingly place themselves under the leadership of their husbands in a way that follows their leadership in a marriage relationship.

And Paul seems to add to the tension when he states that wives are to be subject as to the Lord. In other words women are to willingly place themselves under their husband’s leadership in the same manner that they are to place themselves under the leadership of Jesus.

We talked about the reality that the tension that we tend to feel fill a room when we discuss what the Bible has to say about the relationship between men and women within a marriage, especially when it comes to these verses, often flows from two specific areas of confusion. The first area of confusion that can often arise when we talk about the idea of leadership or authority within a marriage relationship, which is due to how our culture attempts to portray God’s design when it comes to a women’s role in a marriage.

This first area of confusion that surrounds the stereotypes of women is compounded by a second area of confusion that can often arise when we talk about leadership and authority within a marriage relationship, which is the tendency in our culture to confuse value and roles. For example, while every member of the trinity has the same nature, essence, and value, they have different roles, responsibilities, and authority.

God the Father is the first among equals; God the Father exercises the leadership and authority role in the relationship amongst the Trinity. Jesus and the Holy Spirit, while equal in value and worth to God the Father, fall under and follow His leadership. We see Jesus do this throughout the gospels. And we see Paul talk about this reality throughout his letters that he wrote to various churches.

Another example is the twelve disciples. While there were twelve disciples, and all twelve were equal in their value and worth as disciples, Peter was the first amongst equals. Peter was the leader that the rest of the disciples followed in terms of leadership and authority. We see this throughout the book of Acts.

Today, we will see that this same principle also applies to God’s design for relationships in humanity when it comes to men and women within marriage. We see the mutual value and worth of men and women revealed for us in Genesis 1:27:

God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.

Both men and women were created by God in His relational image and are of equal value and worth in His sight. And because of that reality, men and women are to be treated with equal value, respect and worth by one another. To treat a woman any other way contradicts the crystal clear teaching of God’s word.

In Genesis 2 we read that God formed man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life. God then gave Adam a job to tend the garden and name the animals and just one command to follow; don’t eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. But, as Adam named all the animals, he did not find a helper suitable for him and we read the first time that God said that something was not good; it is not good for man to be alone.

So God caused Adam to fall to sleep and took one of his ribs and formed Eve, the first woman. Ladies that is why we men do not understand you, we don’t understand you because we were asleep when it happened. And as God brought Eve into Adam’s presence, we see Adam’s response and God’s design for marriage revealed for us, beginning in Genesis 2:22:

The LORD God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. The man said, "This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man." For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Adam and Eve were both naked and not ashamed because they were able to be totally transparent and vulnerable with one another. They were united in their love for God and one another and viewed one another with equal value and worth.

Yet while Adam and Eve had equal value and worth in God’s creation, they had different roles and responsibilities to fulfill; Adam was to exercise a role of leadership and authority as first among equals by lovingly leading, providing, and protecting Eve. And Eve was to lovingly coming under and following Adam’s leadership in a way that allows for her spiritual growth and good.

And just like our first parents while men and women have equal value and worth in God’s creation, men and women have different roles and responsibilities to fulfill; men are to exercise a role of leadership and authority as first among equals by lovingly leading, providing, and protecting women in ways that are appropriate to their relationship. Women are to fulfill their role in relationships by lovingly coming under and following godly male leadership in a way that allows for growth in their relationship with Christ and to exercise the gifts that God has given them.

You see, the problem with the stereotypes that we looked at yesterday is that none of them are found in the Bible when it comes to the role that women have in a marriage relationship. First, as we will discover next week, unlike Doormat Dora, God’s design when it comes to the role of men in a marriage relationship does not promote the idea of a woman being a docile doormat. The claim that a Biblical view of the role of women promotes doormats and encourages abuse is both false and slanderous.

Second, unlike Dipstick Danielle, nowhere is Scripture do we see God promote the idea of weak willed, unintelligent women. What the Bible does promote are women who study and think hard about the message and teachings of Jesus and how they are to apply these truths to their lives. And the pages of the Bible are filled with strong willed and courageous women. Women like Deborah, Abigail, Ruth, Esther and Mary, just to name a few. A Biblical view of women promotes women who can swim against the cultural tide and critically think for themselves.

Third, unlike Kitchen trapped Kathy, the Bible does not teach that woman are to be homebound. What the Bible does teach is that part of a woman’s role in the home is to help create and maintain a welcoming environment where the marriage and family is nurtured and can grow. However, as we will see next week, this does not mean that she has to do all the chores or that the home is the sum of her existence. And for those of you who get hyper spiritual on this particular issue, I would simply direct you to Proverbs 31, where the woman described as the standard for women to follow not only managed a household-she also ran a business.

Fourth, one of the great meanings and blessings is to bear children and raise them in a way that promotes their good and God’s glory. Yet, unlike Baby-popping Bertha, the Bible teaches that while marriage and motherhood is a blessing, it is not a woman’s ultimate aim and goal. A woman’s ultimate goal, just like men, is to live their lives in such a way that reveals and reflects Christ and advances the kingdom mission we have been given. Marriage is neither absolute nor eternal. What is absolute and eternal is that we are to live a life that is engaged in a relationship with Jesus Christ and the mission that He has given us.

And fifth, unlike repressed Rita, the Bible does not teach that women are second class citizens when it comes to exercising their spiritual gifts talents and abilities in the church. As a matter of fact, what the Bible teaches is that there is only one thing that a woman cannot do when it comes to serving in a local church. The one thing that a woman cannot do is be in the leadership position of an Elder or any position that requires the qualifications of an Elder. The pages of the Bible is filled with examples of woman who invested their time, talents, and treasure into God’s kingdom mission in a way that resulted in God’s glory and in the spiritual good and growth of others.

Now a natural and great question that arises here is “well Dave if God really designed marriage relationships to be like this, then why doesn’t my husband do what he is supposed to do? Why doesn’t he lovingly, lead, protect, and provide for me?” Or you may be thinking “Well Dave, if this is the case, if this is God’s design, then why do I want to push back against this so hard?”

These are great questions to ask, and Friday, we will discover the answer...